This Land Was Made for You and Me...No, Really

Guys, over on Twitter I've been retweeting a specific post all day.

It's from U.S. Representative Steve King (R-IA). Who is pretty much a known right-wing straight-up racist.

White af, thank you.

Today he tweeted a statement that has left many individuals and news outlets in a state of confusion and outrage.

Here it is:

Wilders understands that culture and demographics are our destiny. We can't restore our civilization with somebody else's babies. https://t.co/4nxLipafWO

— Steve King (@SteveKingIA) March 12, 2017

Read that last sentence again, and again.

"We can't restore our civilization with somebody else's babies."

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

My Precocious Daughter - my blue-eyed, blonde, 10,000% American child - is the product of immigrants from five countries. She is the descendant of German, Polish, English, Italian, and Irish people who came to America for a better life.

She is NOT "somebody else's babies."

She is currently dating an outstanding young man whose family emigrated here from Colombia. He was in middle school when they arrived in Texas. At the time, he spoke not a word of English. He is currently ranked second in their junior class. He and his parents are among the sweetest, smartest, warmest people I've ever met.

He is NOT "somebody else's babies."

I have a dear friend and former co-worker who came to America from Nigeria. He and his (American) wife have two gorgeous children. What I love about him is that he speaks and writes
impeccably in English, but on Facebook he communicates with his Nigerian friends in a patois that is basically unintelligible to me. It makes me so happy that he embraces both cultures while being a genuinely decent, nice person to everyone.

He is NOT "somebody else's babies" (nor are his children).

Rep. King, you are quite simply wrong when you state that this country needs to be "restored." We are fine. We are strong. We are evolving, despite efforts by you and your ilk to pretend we are not.

Also, you are incredibly ignorant if you believe the majority of Americans are somehow "pure" and not the descendants of immigrants from all over the globe. My ancestors totally did not sail here aboard the Mayflower, nor did the ancestors of the vast majority of people I know.

Finally, what the eff do you want to "restore" America to? An America without feminism, without civil rights, without racial equality, without tolerance and acceptance of people whose religion, politics, and sexual identity differs from yours?

That's not restoration, Mr. King. That's fear. And bullying. And cowardice.

Your blatantly nationalist, racist tweet will, I hope, define you from this point forward. In the meantime, millions of concerned Americans will fight to shout down your bigoted beliefs.

Restore America, my left buttock. Real Americans need to reclaim the idea of an accepting, inclusive America from troglodytes like you. Sir..

A few of my readers may agree with me.

Along with several million of my countrymen, born from "other people's babies."

Platform

I don't say this as a member of a party, or as an adherent of an ideology, or as a fan of a candidate.

The vilest political statement I've heard uttered by any American in any context in quite some time is what retired General Mike Flynn said at the Republican National Convention tonight:

          "We must regain 

the ability to CRUSH 

our enemies."

I'm not voting for this shit. 

I'm not voting for a candidate whose base includes Chachi and a former underwear model and a millionaire who pretends to be a bearded redneck everyman.

Don't get me wrong. I also don't support the party of the disingenuous, dissembling, faux-populist Democrat who wants to double down on the legacy of her husband's corrupt, hypocritical presidency.

I'd totally vote for the libertarian candidate - what's his name - if I didn't believe that a third-party vote would do nothing except help propel one of the other candidates into office.

For the record, this American is not interested in crushing our enemies. Or in ruling the world. Or any of that bullshit.

I want my daughter to be strong, independent, and educated.

I want my fellow citizens to be equal, whether they are rich or poor, black or white, gay or straight.

I want our economy to be strong, and the architects of the economy to be held to the highest standards of fairness and lawfulness.

I want America to be a protector, not a bully.

I want to be left alone, unless it's tax day or Memorial Day. I support those days wholeheartedly.

I don't want to crush anyone.

Trump is not America, nor America Trump.

OK?

Requiem for #Tarpman

If you've been following the saga of the fucking idiots patriots who have occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon since January 2nd, you're probably familiar with the name LaVoy Finicum. Aka "#Tarpman." Aka "Guy Whose 11 Foster Children Who Acted As An Unpaid Labor Force to Support His Unprofitable Cattle Ranch in Arizona Were Taken Away from Him After He Abandoned Them to Play Vigilante."

Yeah, he's dead now.

And Ammon "Daddy Issues" Bundy and Jon "Incredibly Creepy Doll-Face Manchild" Ritzheimer and others are in federal custody. And although it may be too late for the Native American artifacts they desecrated while committing grand theft auto, trespassing, and vandalism, it seems the so-called Oregon Militia's siege of federal property may finally sputter to a limping end soon.

Apparently local, state, and federal law enforcement officials got together and decided that armed, belligerent protesters blatantly breaking multiples of laws should be dealt with, even if they are white Republicans.

Apparently those guys aren't above the law, once they flee a traffic stop and then charge at officers after running their stolen truck aground on a snowbank.

It's not enough that they illegally occupied government-owned property, seized government-owned vehicles and computers, and armed individuals whose felony status makes them ineligible to play Davy Crockett except with an enormous beer gut. It's not enough that the father and son they supposedly were defending asked them to leave, or that the Native Americans to whom the land belongs asked them to leave, or that a majority of the American citizens in the area around the wildlife refuge asked them to leave.

Because democracy is so much more than doing what the majority decides, you guys.

Anyway, looooooooooong story short, one asshole got himself shot to death, and the chief monkeys in the Oregon militia circus are now in custody. A few of the remaining vandals have vowed to keep up the fight. But I'm guessing that without Tarpman and Daddy's Boy and BigEyes SmallDick to lead them, they'll give up pretty quick. Especially once they run out of dildos.

Dildos being super-important to freedom.

Locking up these seditionist rednecks will not do a single thing to bring back the scores of innocent people killed by law enforcement in the last couple of years. But maybe, just maybe, it will provide a nugget of evidence that there is but a single system of laws in this country, and it doesn't favor white criminals over people of color who are minding their business.

To the family of LaVoy Finicum: I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that the person you're mourning was a deluded fucking idiot. That must be an extra burden at this difficult time.

Yo, Oregon: Do the right thing. Clear out this nest of scum and make your state safe.

God bless this thing we call America.

Scene from a Liquor Store in Addison, Texas

To the two dudebros who got booted from the liquor store after trying to buy a plastic bottle of Burnett's Sour Apple vodka because the one who could legally buy it had just turned 21 yet hadn't bothered to renew his driver's license on this milestone birthday and so didn't have a valid ID to prove his age and then got all pissy about it when the no-nonsense cashier explained that if the police wouldn't accept an expired license then neither would she and then marched their ironic white t-shirts and baggy plaid pants and patchy facial hair out of there sans grown-up beverage while we laughed and laughed:

Fucking Burnett's Sour Apple vodka? Really?

Read this.
Best. Review. Ever.

Dudes, aim higher. By which I mean, don't buy anything from the bottom shelf at the liquor store. Ever. Not if you want to be treated like men rather than poseurs who buy their clothes from the Young Douchebro department at Sears. Real talk: If it's not Coke or Gatorade, it has no place being sold in a plastic bottle. If you had confidently set down a 750 mL of Belvedere, you probably wouldn't have been carded in the first place. That's a man's vodka. Take it from a woman who drinks like a man.

Grown-ass men do not drink Burnett's Sour Apple vodka, regardless of age.

Shown here: Working his way up to Burnett's.

Come back when you're mature enough to renew your driver's license on time and not disrespect a lady old enough to be your mom.

Here's hoping you found a 7-Eleven that was willing to look the other way while you stocked up MD 20/20. You can play Fallout 4 all night on that shit.

Enjoy.

Love,

Chuck

The Price of Happy vs. The Price of Smug Douchebag

 The new dose of Prozac is working out great.

The new pills are approximately three inches long,
but it just takes more room to hold the extra sanity.

Although this week hasn't been materially less stressful than any of the past, say, eleventy weeks, I literally have found myself thinking, "You know, last week this would have driven me batshit crazy, but today, not so much" at least once every day.

And that in a nutshell is what the wonder drug fluoxetine does: It lets me not go batshit crazy over things that normal people handle daily.

Sadly, it also doesn't turn me into Christina Ricci,
which is a side effect I could actually  get into.

Now, there is a real cost associated with the increased dose and attendant increased likelihood to not randomly lose my shit in a public place. I had been paying about $6.00 for a 30-day supply of generic Prozac. Now, with my dosage doubled, I'm paying...almost eight bucks for a 30-day supply.

It now costs me 26.6 cents a day to be a functional human.

Probably this would cost a bit more.

That, my friends, is a price I'm so very willing to pay. Just over a quarter a day to not have emotional breakdowns at work? To be capable of choosing confidence over fear at least half the time? To believe the future is something other than a scary black void that will eat me if I dare approach it?

Oh hell yeah. Eight bucks a month for the win.

But of course my personal victory got me thinking about people who rely on the drug Daraprim, a 60-year-old generic formulation that treats the fairly rare but very dangerous condition of toxoplasmosis, a parasitic infection that can infect AIDS patients, cancer sufferers, and pregnant women, among others. It's a very effective drug that costs about $13.50 a dose.

This week, many news outlets reported that the patent to Daraprim was purchased by Turing Pharmaceuticals, a start-up company owned by a guy named Hedgefund McDouchebro.

Or Martin Shkreli, as his grandmother probably still knows him.

Call him whatever you think is appropriate.

Mr. McDouchebro decided that the drug that all the medical professionals think works just great needed to work better.

Hahaha, no really, he just thought he could make a shit-ton of money by gouging the people who need this drug to keep, sort of, living.

And so overnight, the price of Daraprim went from $13.50 a dose to...$750.

Five. Thousand. Percent. Increase.

McDouchebro claims the obscene profits from the price increase will help fund research to create even better drug therapies.

Let me again link to this article, which claims that no one has ever questioned the efficacy of the existing drug.

I'm going to do math here, you guys. It's almost certainly going to be wrong, so call me out on that. But here goes.

If my precious fluoextine suddenly increase in price by 5000%, it would cost me...$14.77 a day?

Seriously, no idea.

I did this equation a number of ways, and ended up with answers that were all over the galaxy. So I don't know what the equivalent of jacking up Daraprim by 5000% is, OK? But it's, like a lot. And if I had to face that kind of price increase, several people I know would be dead by morning. Promise.

So, if you're mathier than I am (NOT difficult, tbh), let me know what 5000% over the price of an eight bucks a month prescription is. Let me know if McDouchebro is at all justified in raising the price of an obscure but important drug. Also, let me know if you think this asshole is an asshole. For the record, I think he's an asshole.

Also, in light of everybody in the world calling him a big fucking jerk, McDouchebro has now announced that Turing Pharmaceuticals will roll back that price increase for "certain customers." He won't say who those customers are, or what price they will pay.

Maybe bloood relatives.

I'm not good at math, you guys. Not even with sweet, sweet Prozac. So I'm trusting that one or more of you will uncover the truth here. Media assholes, millionaire douchebag assholes, or enough assholes to go 'round while innocent people continue to suffer for no good reason.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

In the morning I'll take my sunshine in a capsule. Because I need it and I can afford it.

I hope the same applies to all of you.

And let me know if you think Mr. McDouchebro is an asshole. My money says yes.

If Governor Perry's Guns Are Taken Away, the Terrorists Win. No, Really.

As you may have heard, Texas Governor Dick Perry is under indictment for abuse of power and being a complete tool.

Those goggles are just plain douchey.

Hey! Guess what folks who under felony indictments can't do?

They can't have guns!

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Dick Perry likes guns.

The bigger the better.

He likes guns a lot.

The poster child for totally-not-batshit-crazy
gun owners.

Dick Perry loves guns.

And Jesus and fetuses.

But he can't have 'em until after the trial. And if he winds up being a convicted felon...no more guns for Dick Perry ever!

Let's get on with making being named Ted Nugent a felony.

Now, it's by no means a certain thing that Dick Perry will be convicted on charges that he used state funding to try to coerce a political opponent to resign. When I stop laughing about this, I do plan to write a serious analysis of all the twists and turns in this strange case. It's fascinating, and it's frustrating, and it deserves thoughtful attention.

But today I'm still laughing about the government taking Dick Perry's guns.

Now when he tells the ladies to look at the gun show,
he'll actually have to show them his arms.

This is a terrible time to disarm the Governor, unfortunately. What with Texas about to be overrun by Jihadists.

I mean, I took this picture at the Galleria not an hour ago.

In case you didn't know, Dick Perry has decided that 'Murica is not quite as jeopardized by the flood of refugee children from Central America as he thought (particularly since the flood has slowed to a trickle, and the word "trickle" does not make for good sound bites). So he's come up with a new reason to keep the National Guard deployed along the Texas-Mexico border: Because ISIS is fixin' to cross the Rio Grande, y'all!

Turns out Islamic extremists love the little old band
from Texas. Must be the beards.

Despite the fact that literally no one thinks there's a shred of plausibility to Dick Perry's dire warning, this is what he's going with to distract us from that pesky corruption trial. Personally, I think it should be one of the main planks of his platform when he runs for President in 2016.

Can convicted felons even run for President?

In Dick Perry's America, it will be a requirement.

The Best Dick Perry Quote Ever

Texas Governor Dick Perry is officially under indictment on two counts of being a corrupt bastard.

Dick Perry, shown here counting to two.

You can read the actual indictment here. In a nutshell, Dick is accused to threatening to veto $7.5 million in  funding to an entity overseen by Rosemary Lehmberg, the Democratic District Attorney for Travis County, after Ms. Lehmberg refused Dick's demand to resign over a DUI incident.

The entity with whose funding the Governor attempted to coerce and blackmail the DA?

The Public Integrity Unit, of course.

Pfffft.

This is going to to be So. Much. Fun. And Dick himself has gotten the party off to great start with a feisty statement full of his characteristic blend of cockiness, charisma, and crazy. In fact, he dropped a classic line that someone should totally get a bonus for writing. For which someone...no, no, I can't top his wordjammery.

Here's what the Dickinator said about the decision of the grand jury to try him for his alleged offenses:

"We don't settle political differences with indictments in this country."

Said the man whose political party has been trying to impeach the President of the United States basically since the first day of his first term.

This face.

I really don't know where Dick Perry can go from there. Could it be he's shot his wad comically early, setting an impossibly high standard for the rationalizations and double-talk that surely will follow?

Nah. I have faith in the Texas Governor. He'll find a way to raise the bar to the level of his 2012 magnum opus, "Oops."

As I said, this is going to be fun.

Mission Accomplished

I said I would do it. And I did it.

As of today, I'm blocked from the Open Carry Tarrant County Facebook page!

I'm devastated.

It was so much fun getting there, Drunkards! And I learned a lot about the art of trolling. Unfortunately, I can no longer practice my art on the OCTC page. But hey, maybe you can!

Here are some helpful hints, illustrated by actual posts I made (with my name and picture obscured, of course).

1. Full disclosure: It does truly help if you choose a target that doesn't understand satire.

2. At all.

3. Don't come out swinging. Don't give them any ammunition, so to speak.

4. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Apparently flies are slow-witted and unable to grasp the obvious.

5. If you are articulate and respectful, your message is likely to sail completely over your target's head, and they will end up not only agreeing with you but furthering your point.

6. Do not come to bury Caesar, but to praise him.

7. With the proper tone, you'll be able to turn up the volume without consequences.

8. In the words of Marge Simpson, "Fox turned into a pornography channel so gradually, I didn't even notice."

9. Sometimes you'll make a slam-dunk, and your target won't even respond. This is frustrating, but carry on. Every small interaction leads to a greater goal.

8. The important thing is to not enrage the beast before you've received maximum exposure.

9. Don't forget that your mission is to maintain access so that you can continue to post.

10. But when inevitably you drop the straw that breaks the camel's back (more on that in a moment), realize that even being blocked from someone's Facebook wall doesn't mean you can't still comment on their Events page.

So...last night I commented on a post on the OCTC page, but I was really tired, and I thought, I'll screenshot that in the morning. But this morning I found I had been blocked and all my posts removed. Never put off until tomorrow, etc.

Anyway, I'll have to describe what went down. They posted a 10-minute video from their last Nutty Folks Marching Around with Loaded Guns As If That Were a Good Idea event. The tagline was something along the lines of "Here's video proving that the media's portrayal of our interaction with the public is a lie."

Which I guess refers to articles like this. And also this.

The video consisted of amateurishly shot clips of OCTC members shaking people's hands and having their pictures taken. I stopped watching after a couple of minutes because I was getting a headache from the shaky camerawork, plus it was really boring (have these people never watched a movie with a montage? Where's "Eye of the Tiger" and the slo-mo fist pumping?) And I said as much. Sadly, I don't remember my words verbatim, but it was something like this:

I didn't watch the whole video because it was too long and also quite dull. If you want to expose more people to your cause, you should go back to harassing and threatening people who don't agree with you.

And that's what got me banned. I mean, I didn't use bad words, I didn't call anyone names, I never said "small-penised fuckheads with control issues." In fact, they clearly thought my criticism was constructive; they didn't just take down my comment, they actually removed the offending, poorly-made video.

YOU'RE WELCOME, OPEN CARRY TARRANT COUNTY.

Oh, Kory-with-a-K Watkins, don't ever stop wearing your dorky trilby hat and Dockers shorts while pushing a tiny shopping cart and carrying a gun pointed at your own foot. For freedom.

I'll continue reading the OCTC Facebook page. And someone with a personality very similar to mine - but with a different name - will continue to comment.

'Murica.

Anonymity Can Be a Good Thing

If I were a widely-read blogger, I might never admit this.

But I'm not, so I will.

You guys know that I've been trolling the Open Carry Tarrant County Facebook page.

My actual glamour shot.

It's been fun, because they don't grasp subtlety.

Anyway, today the OCTC Facebook page announced that they wanted supporters to sign up for email blasts advertising, presumably, dumb-shit numb-nuts crap-ass things that the organization wanted to publicize. Like its patented "Let's Walk Around with Loaded Guns Because That Totally Makes People Feel Safe" events.

Nothing makes me feel safer than two dudes in fugly hats
carrying weapons at Home Depot.

All you have to do to get OCTC's email blasts is to send your email address to opencarrytc@yahoo.com.

Which you can totally do if you want.

Or...you can use that email address to go to other websites and sign up for their newsletter.

Which is what I've done with the following:

• Wendy Davis for Texas Governor

• Greenpeace International

• Wiccan Spirit

• BuzzFeed All-Cats Newsletter

• Submissiveness.com

• Nickelodeon Universe

I sincerely hope that Kory Watkins enjoys the newsletters I've hooked him up with. With which I've hooked him up. Never mind.

The point is, once your email address is publicized, it's fair game.

So if there's a newsletter or mailing you think OCTC needs to see, feel free to sign them up.

Maybe Mr. Watkins will enjoy the change of pace from right-wing gun-toting conservative nutcase news.

Or not.

Just saying.

Here's the Plan

My IRL Facebook profile has been blocked by the Open Carry Texas page.

These lovable tykes.

All I did was engage them in an open exchange of ideas.

It may have involved the word "crazy."

I swear, it was a non-confrontational and respectful exchange on both sides. But they blocked me anyway.

I was heartbroken.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get blocked from as many Open Carry groups on Facebook as possible, both under my real name and as Chuck.

But from this point forward, I'm going to take screenshots in real time.

I like being an instigator. Or insti-lizard.

And post them here, of course.

Stay tuned as I take on the gun nuts.

#chucktakesonthegunnuts

Use that, OK?

Dick of the Border

Hey, guess what Texas Governor Dick Perry is doing now!

Besides practicing his fascist salute.

He's deploying 1,000 National Guard troops to the Mexican border to shoot and terrorize children!

We'll show those tortilla-munching little shits
how America  Texas a crazy person rolls.

You've heard about the "border crisis" situation: Thousands of people, including many children, have fled their violence-plagued Central American countries to seek refuge in America. The surge in border crossings underscores the desperation of people to escape - or have their children escape - the oppressive influence of the drug cartels, the crushing poverty, and the lack of opportunity in their own homelands.

Oh, wait, I've just been handed a talking points memo by Gov. Perry.

You must be healed of your filthy hippie liberal demons.
Begone!

OK, this says the surge in border crossings actually underscores the complete failure of the Obama administration to do anything about anything, ever, because he nasty. Also, Benghazi.

Two of my body parts are this tiny.
One of them is my brain.

Thank you, Governor. You're fabulous, as always. And I don't mean that in a gay way.

Because I have great respect for the gay community.

You know what it costs to deploy 1,000 National Guardsmen to the Texas-Mexico border?

Twelve million dollars. Per month.

And for that $12 million, we get a thousand men and women with guns and boots (because you can't have "boots on the ground" without boots, and also why is the Governor of Texas using battlefield terminology to describe actions toward children, for corn's sake?) who cannot detain, arrest, or process anybody.  So basically, the state that spends less than almost every other state on educating children and providing health care for children is putting its money in armed soldiers to stand around and intimidate children with guns.

I would grumble here about how my tax dollars are spent. But of course this is Texas, and we don't pay any state tax, which is why our governor feels free to pull ridiculous, costly stunts like this in response to the businesses and special interests who are his only true constituents.

But I digress.

I don't have solutions to the problems of illegal immigration, third-world poverty, bigotry, or dirty politics. I feel frustrated and powerless, like any thinking, feeling person in the face of injustice, regardless of ideology.

Also, I really, really enjoy making fun of Dick Perry, because he's a complete toolpepper.

And truly, he makes it easy.

I'm looking forward to Gov. Perry making another running leap at the White House in 2016. It will give me a solid year's worth of blog posts, which is great because I'm kind of lazy at thinking up my own ideas.

And I can't wait to remind everyone how the Governor showed us in 2014 that his preferred method for dealing with children in crisis is to point a gun at them.

Orale!

My Thoughts on Open Carry Texas

Those of you who don't live in the Lone Star State may have a lot of questions about the gun-loving activist group that calls itself Open Carry Texas.

If you don't, What the fuck? is a good one to start with.

Does this yahoo think he's protecting his little girl
by aiming the barrel of a rifle at her feet? is another.

But let's start with this one: What do these people want?

We can answer that by quoting their own mission statement from their website, www.theapeshavearmedthemselves.com, which I've taken the liberty of annotating:

1) To educate all Texans about their right to openly carry rifles and shotguns in a safe manner.

For instance, by holding an assault rifle with your finger
on the goddamn trigger inside a restaurant.

2) To condition Texans to feel safe around law-abiding citizens that choose to carry them.

By waving them in the air like this. Also, by telling a former Marine,
 "You're going to wish you had a gun, boy,
when I fill you full of holes."

3) Encourage our elected officials to pass less restrictive open carry legislation.

Because being able to brandish a semi-automatic weapon in the kid's
section of Target without legal or psychiatric intervention
is too freaking restrictive.

(4) Foster a cooperative relationship with local law enforcement in the furtherance of these goals with an eyetowards (sic) preventing negative encounters.

Such as the non-negative encounter several OCT members had with
a Texas mom who felt threatened by their gun-toting antics.

Apparently, they also want to be the Beatles.

If the Beatles were a bunch of inbred rednecks who sang about
their hatred of black people and hygiene instead of love.

So the next question is: Why? Why are the members of Open Carry Texas like this? What drives the single-minded pursuit of their agenda in the face of public anger, fear, and common sense?

I believe the answer is simple:

They have tiny penises.

Iddle widdle diddle.

Yes, the women, too. Although I suspect their penises are actually larger than the guys' small-caliber weapons.

She's got balls.

To sum up:

The members of Open Carry Texas are violent, thuggish, intolerant, deliberately provocative, and, if not actually stupid, at least completely open to doing and saying stupid things in defense of their perceived right to act stupid.

Full disclosure: I don't like guns.

So shoot me.