Land of the Armed, Home of the Drunk

There's a Constitutional amendment that gives Americans the right to own guns.

There's also a Constitutional amendment that gives Americans the right to drink.

Let me say from the outset that two rights
can most definitely make a wrong.

Few question either right, although some strongly disapprove of one, the other, or both. But everyone gets to choose to exercise or abstain from their right to bear arms or knock back a cold one. That's how America rolls.

Yet despite the Constitutional mandate, the right to get your drink on is far from unrestricted. You have to be the right age. You have to be in the right place. And you definitely have to refrain from certain behaviors while under the influence.

Like driving. Or harassing/assaulting others. Or serving on jury duty.

And don't even think about combining these two Constitutional rights. IT'S A VERY BAD IDEA.

Please refer to my earlier caption.

Literally no one balks at the idea that drivers should be licensed, insured, properly trained, and subject to extensive regulation of their behavior behind the wheel.

But merely float the idea that perhaps gun ownership should incorporate similar public safeguards, and certain supporters of the Second Amendment go apeshit.

Shown here: Literal gorilla poop.

I personally don't get this. I mean, if I drink 12 shots of vodka and subsequently threaten a similarly drunken stranger with physical violence, I totally expect to be held accountable for my behavior. That's how law and order works.

According to the 57 shows bearing that name.

But if one person with a gun encounters another person with a gun, I'm supposed to have faith that one boasts moral superiority because they're a "good guy" and also because somehow their aim is automatically perfect because they believe they're John Wayne?

Yeah. So. I'm as wary of gun owners with a marksman complex as I am with drunks who insist they can "handle it."

I don't want to take away any American's rights.

I simply want to be confident that my personal right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness can't be destroyed in a split second.

I promise not to piss and moan that I can't down a handle of Smirnoff while driving down the freeway if 2A folks promise not to pretend that only pure-hearted, law-abiding citizens are able to obtain/use assault rifles.

Hi! The ability to shoot an assault rifle WAY outweighs
the lives of your loved ones! Signed, the NRA.

Right here, right now, gun people:

Tell me why the Second Amendment is inviolable to the rule of law but the Twenty-First Amendment can be abridged all to hell and gone.

Tell me why you pay a tiny group of people to advance the interests of gun ownership over all other American rights.

Tell me why you stubbornly believe that Americans have a right to self-defense, while simultaneously pushing the false narrative that a "good guy with a gun" is somehow the answer to preventing/thwarting crime in any and all settings, regardless of the danger posed to people by an untrained private citizen attempting to affect justice via a personal weapon.

Tell me why killing innocent people because I'm drunk driving is a terrible offense, but killing innocent people with a gun is somehow the price of freedom.

I'm honest to God listening.

I await your intelligent, reasoned responses.

For as long as it takes.

Finger on the Trigger

Note: There will be no illustrations accompanying this post. Use your imagination.

So I am a huge throbbing supporter of the #cocksnotglocks movement started by UT student Jessica Jin.

In case you missed it, Ms. Jin is calling for women (I mean, I guess men can also participate? Sure, why not, let's get the guys involved in this) to openly carry dildos on the Austin campus in response to the Texas law that will make concealed handgun carry legal at state universities.

Austin being Austin, i.e. a refreshing oasis of weirdness in a state that is otherwise utterly without a sense of humor about itself, the movement has gained considerable momentum, with thousands indicating they will pack their finest sex toys in solidarity.

Of course, Texas being Texas, i.e. a state so ridiculously backwards that "South Park" can't even find a way to satirize it, Campus (DILDO) Carry has come under attack by the very people who prove that a lot of mentally unstable assholes own guns.

I've read a number of the thoughtful, reasoned comments left on the group's Facebook page, all of which I'm sure were intended to provoke a productive dialogue on gun laws and social mores. For your benefit, I've summarized them all here:

"Y'all liberal sluts who can't get a man y'all cunts gonna get raped and wish you had a gun [incorrect form of "their"] Texas Jesus guns liberal skanks [incorrect form of "your"] *spits*"

I'm paraphrasing, of course.

If I haven't said it before, I'll say it right now: I know a lot of people who own guns. Never once has any of them pulled one out and pointed it at me "in fun," or cleaned it while my kid was visiting, or gotten in my face about my personal dislike of guns, or said "Hold my beer and watch this." I know a lot of responsible gun owners, is what I'm saying.

And I'm fairly confident that at least a few of them support concealed campus carry, which will take effect in August 2016. I vehemently oppose it, yet none of my gun-owning friends and acquaintances have called me out as a slut or wished violent crime to befall me because of our conflicting opinions. Not to my face, anyway. I'm sure people say all kinds of shit about me behind my back. I would, if I knew me.

I would never say that all gun owners are angry, misogynistic rednecks. I will say that angry, misogynistic rednecks appear to comprise a sizable subset of gun owners who feel a need to attack a viewpoint they don't agree with. I will also say that these trolling haters generally possess a third-grade command of the English language, which means they will struggle to persuade anyone whose own level of literacy is a notch or 15 higher. (Translation: You sound like a dumbass, bruh.)

Bottom line: I think the idea of carrying dildos on campus is hilarious. Let's find out who thinks sex is obscene but public shootouts are the 'Murican way. Let's talk about which device trades in fear and anger and which is all about smiles and fun.

I think such a discussion would separate the men from the boys pretty quickly.

Just One More, Why Not?

I'm getting pretty fucking tired of this shit, Drunkards.

All I wanted to do tonight was write a post about the awesome names you guys suggested for my Victorian cat doll. But I can't. Because yet another stupid dickless angry young asshole has opened fire on innocent people and slaughtered multiple humans because he thought it was a good idea and HEY, look how easy it is to acquire multiple firearms!

And of course he went down in a hail of bullets and won't have to face the families of his victims. I wish Hell actually existed, so I could take comfort in thoughts of his scrotum being burned away for all eternity. Instead, he gets a free pass to the void while the grieving families of those he murdered will suffer from their losses for the rest of their lives.

All because a small percentage of Constitutionally illiterate Americans and their well-funded gun lobby think we all should have the right to keep and bear weapons of mass destruction.

Which somehow were a damn good reason to go to war with Iraq, but in 'Murica are the embodiment of patriotism, along with fucking apple pie and loving yo' mama.

So the shooter's name was Chris Harper Mercer, and not to indulge in egregious stereotypes, but if he wasn't a 20-something white dude, I'll eat my own dirty panties on YouTube.

CJ Grisham, Ted Nugent, and Wayne LaPierre can all suck my dick. I hate guns. And the people who loudly and threateningly insist on their unabridged right to carry them wherever, whenever they want. Every person who advocates for universal, unregulated access to guns is a moron and a tool and should legally be considered an accessory to murder whenever something like the UCC shooting happens.

If your penis is really that miniscule, do us all a favor and put oversized tires on your pickup truck and whack off to online porn like every other under-endowed loser in the world.

You want to hunt? You want to carry for self-defense? You just think guns are peachy keen and make your sex organ appear more impressive? Fine. Apply for a license, submit to a background check, acquire liability insurance. Then own the fuck out of that gun.

But walking into a Walmart or a pawn shop and shelling out cash for a deadly weapon with absolutely no reconciliation between your past behavior and your future likelihood of violence courtesy of your shiny new gun?

That's not America. That's fucking Crazy States of Blastmeawayistan.

Some of us would appreciate a culture of life in this country.

Along with liberty and the pursuit of happiness, we think that's pretty goddamn important.

Fuck you and your guns.

Really.

Victorian cats, man. That's really all I wanted to write about tonight.

Not this shit.

Goddamn.

This Post About Gun Nuts Contains Salty Language. See What I Did There?

Dear gun nuts:

Can I call you gun nuts?

OK, so I was looking for images to make that illustration there, and I found this:

Does that not totally look like two peanuts getting it on?

Hehehehe.

Anyway.

To answer my own question, gun nuts: Yes, I do need to call you gun nuts, because I want to differentiate you from the gun owners who don't suffer from your particular affliction, which I call Butthurtus ammosexualis.

You think that's not a thing? It's a meme. And memes can't lie.
It is Internet law.

I know a lot of people who own guns. Hell, my own mom has been known to go to the gun range. I know people who collect guns, the way I collect sewing patterns. I'm pretty sure there is zero overlap between those two hobbies, but that doesn't keep some of these people from being dear friends. They don't stick their guns in my face, and I don't make them come over for fittings.

But these people don't suffer from Butthurtus ammosexualis. Or if they do, they're so far in the closet that they end up swapping shooting stories with John Travolta.

Huh. That had some layers of innuendo.

Have you ever noticed that the word innuendo sounds like an Italian guy describing anal sex?

Where was I?

Oh yes, gun nuts. You see, Butthurtus ammosexualis encompasses a specific set of symptoms. If you compare an unafflicted gun enthusiast with a gun nut, the disease becomes easy to diagnose.

Can you tell the difference?

Gun enthusiast: Understands the capabilities and limitations of firearms.
Gun nut: Ascribes magical powers to guns, from granting invulnerability to eliminating all crime.

Gun enthusiast: Exercises the right to own and carry guns responsibly and respectfully.
Gun nut: Demands the right to whip out a gun and publicly fondle it at his/her whim.

Gun enthusiast: Promotes gun safety and education.
Gun nut: Threatens people with opposing opinions.

Gun enthusiast: Realizes that many people feel intimidated by guns, conducts self discreetly.
Gun nut: Gathers with buddies in fast-food restaurants and leaves gun unattended so as to better stuff face with chicken tenders.

Gun enthusiast: Believes in the integrity of the Second Amendment.
Gun nut: Feels the Constitution is so weak that government confiscation of all weapons is imminent despite the Second Amendment expressly prohibiting such a thing.

Gun enthusiast: Feels that women who are comfortable with and properly trained on firearms can be empowered.
Gun nut: Calls women who campaign for common-sense gun laws cunts and whores.

Gun enthusiast: Knows there is room for thoughtful, even passionate debate about gun policy.
Gun nut: Sees literally zero middle ground between "everyone in America walking around fully armed at all times" and "banning every single form of weapon, plus burning old Looney Toons cartoons featuring Elmer Fudd hunting Bugs Bunny."

Gun enthusiast: Is a normal human who happens to pursue an interest I don't share.
Gun nut: Is a troglodyte pretending to be a better patriot than I am, because guns.

Claims of being a better dresser
are demonstrably false.

If you find yourself identifying with the gun nut, you may be suffering from Butthurtus ammosexualis. Don't see your doctor; there's no miracle cure, and your doctor doesn't want your gun-toting ass in his waiting room scaring his patients.

The only known treatment is to stop being an asshole.

That's my advice. Come and take it, won't you?

Talking Marriage Equality, Starring Nutty People

Kory Watkins, not content to be the hilariously inept poster man-child for open carry of handguns in Texas, instead wants to be the hilariously inept poster man-child for all sorts of libertarian hijinks.

Like protecting the Constitution with rap.

KoKo is a member of NORML, because he opposes outdated government prohibitions on the possession and use of marijuana for medical and recreational purposes. And also really likes to smoke weed. The DFW chapter of NORML held a rally in Austin earlier this week (and you should click on the link, because the writer of the headline deserves a great big prize for awesomeness), and Kory was there. Which you would know if you follow his Facebook page, but not if you read the article I linked to.

I suspect Shaun McAlister, who organized the rally, slipped the reporter a rather large baggie of sticky bud to please, please, PLEASE leave Kory's name out of the article. Because his last few trips to Austin have demonstrated an uncanny grasp of self-promotion over, you know, lucidity.



Good on NORML for recognizing that having KoKo on your side is like having an orangutan riding shotgun: Lots of great photo ops, but you're equally likely to have your face ripped off.

Clint Eastwood (R-Empty Chair) grossly misled us.

And now Kory Watkins has weighed in on the subject of gay marriage.

Get your popcorn.

Getting pretty tired of the Michael Jackson
meme, you know?

This week Texas issued its first same-sex marriage license. Kind of. It's a pretty convoluted story (read about it here), but the upshot is that Republican heads are exploding because one white dude outsmarted another white dude to make it happen.

Well, KoKo, ever the champion of small government and individual rights, took to his Facebook page and posted this:

And actually, yeah, if you're going to be a libertarian, this is exactly what you should think about the whole issue. Good on you, Kory Watkins.

But while KoKo may believe he's the ideological leader of a throng of like-minded souls who follow his teachings as if he were Christ in a trilby, the reality is that most gun nuts (not gun owners, per se, but extremist wingnuts) could care less about ideology. They are for the most part narrow-minded reactionaries who don't want anybody pointing out that violent misandry is not protected by any part of the Constitution.

I know, them's big words. Try not to shoot the dictionary
as you look them up.

To his credit, KoKo understands that open carry of firearms is one small issue in a larger value system that abhors intrusive government. What he doesn't understand is that such nuances are lost on many of the illiterate rednecks who follow him on Facebook.

To cut to the chase: A lot of gun nuts don't like teh gays.

Oh, some of them try to deflect.

And some of them, er, I think try to be supportive in their syntactically challenged way.

(By the way, I'm not sure what "publice" are, but may I suggest you patronize a higher class of tavern if these are a problem?)

Apparently this gentleman believes that being gay should be a religion, and also that the Second Amendment somehow explains this.

But at least he gets that gay couples are not out to loot and pillage your land.

Uh-oh, someone's been listening to anti-gay talking points!

And someone's been listening to anti-gay talking points AND reading lots of Ayn Rand. Possibly while taking lots of drugs! (tl;dr: Them faggots is destroying America.)

I'd like to suggest that this lady move out of her current neighborhood, because the North American Man-Boy Love Association is not considered "mainstream" where I hang out. Just sayin.

Also, if she thinks every TV show has homosexuals, someone should tell her that there actually are other channels besides LOGO.

Remember, this started out as Kory Watkins' statement that the government shouldn't be in the business of denying same-sex marriages.

Really.

And we've reached Godwin's Law. I think we're done here.

OK, just one more.

This is America, Sergio. Everybody has the ability to succeed. But I think perhaps you meant "secede," in which case, secessionary movements in our nation's history historically have failed as the result of a majority desire in those states to preserve the union.

Yeah.

In short, America: Where everyone has the right to express his or opinion, and I have the right to make fun of your atrocious grasp of the English language.

Thanks as always to Kory Watkins for being an endless inspiration to this blog.

A Victory for the Open Carry Movement

Finally, Open Carry Tarrant County has prompted swift, decisive action from the Texas Legislature.

And of course, it's all due to my spirit sociopath, Kory Watkins.

Shown here in front of the Texas state flower, the bluebonnet.
Because he wants Texas to be blue! I knew it!

With the opening of the 84th session of the state legislature, many gun nuts responsible firearms advocates gun nuts have descended on Austin with one goal in mind: To make people remember why idiots and bullies should not be allowed to shape public policy on any issue, let alone firearms legislation.

Forget open carry, this photograph should be made illegal.

To this end, the non-confrontationally-named group Come and Take It Texas arrived on the Capitol steps earlier this week with a 3-D printer that fabricates assault rifles. Am I the only person who thinks this stunt is akin to Catholic priests trying to rehabilitate their image by manning a kissing booth at an elementary school carnival? No, I'm not: In fact, even CJ Grisham of Open Carry Texas (who has blocked me on both Facebook and Twitter because he thinks the Bill of Rights starts at number 2) said it "confrontational" and "needless."

CJ, if you're reading this...let's be friends again. We could grab a beer, as long as you promise not to shoot me the way you threaten to shoot everybody you don't like.

But back to Kory, he of the trilby hat and rapidly lengthening arrest record.

Before he was a freedom crusader,
he was just another diamond-earring-
wearing douchebag posing in front of
a Mercedes.

Kory and some of his nicest pals decided not to make their point from outside the Capitol. So they went inside and started harassing and threatening state representatives and their staffs.

If you haven't seen the video KoKo took of him and buddies being assholes in the office of Rep. Pancho Nevarez, here it is.




KoKo is the one repeatedly using the word "bro." Because that's what Constitutional scholars do.

Still, kudos to KoKo and Kompany. Just one day after courageously getting kicked out of Rep. Nevarez' office for acting like Biff from Back to the Future, he pretty much single-handedly got the Texas Legislature to respond, not with hollow words, but with actions.

That's right: The House approved putting panic buttons in legislators' offices so they can kick out disrespectful, unruly buffoons masquerading as "patriots."

If only they'd approved the Trap Door Initiative, as well.

Well done, KoKo! You showed the "tyrant to the Constitution" (whatever that means) the power of the people. What reasonable discourse can't accomplish, threats and arrogant posturing can. That is, if your goal is to look like a jerk and have your own compatriots publicly call you a "knucklehead" and a "cancer."

You sure know how to get the government to act. I think everyone should know how you caused the entire Texas House of Representatives to change its procedures just because of you.

You go, Kory Watkins. (Open) carry on, my wayward son.

I Don't Like Guns, So I Have to Think with My Brain

@OpenCarryTexas has blocked me on Twitter!

I kind of needed the ego boost today, so thanks.

It all started last weekend when I responded to their posting of the 37,412th version of their rallying cry:

Russell Dunnachie is the Arlington, Texas man who was murdered, along with his daughter, by his estranged wife Veronica Dunnachie, who happens to be a very active member of the Open Carry movement.

Her last Facebook profile pic.

If you'll follow the link in the previous paragraph, you'll see many instances of her prominently featured in Open Carry events in the DFW area.

This one even has the Open Carry Tarrant County watermark on it,
because they're proud of being armed to teeth at Super Target.

Of course, after a flood of vaguely worded messages of shock and support, all traces of Veronica Dunnachie have now been removed from the Open Carry Texas and Open Carry Tarrant County Facebook pages. Because those groups apparently didn't appreciate the publicity they were getting because one of their members decided to openly carry a gun into the home she previously shared with her husband and gun down two people.

Best/saddest/now deleted comment to this OCTC Facebook post:
"But her mother-in-law did." Amen.

So I decided to open a dialogue with @OpenCarryTexas about their campaign to erase their affiliation with and support of an accused murderer from their social media sites.

Now, it was a Friday night, and I was tired, so I went to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah, my social life is shit. But OCT's can't be much better, because the next day I found this string of tweets directed at me:

I was so tickled! All that for little old me? You could tell that C.J. Grisham, or whichever of his trained monkeys mans the @OpenCarryTexas Twitter page, spent a lot of time and thought crafting these responses. Or looked them up in their "Risponding too the Medea" guide. Whichever. I felt badly for not being awake to immediately take up this intelligent debate of the issue at hand (the issue being that a person who advocated OCT's mission of desensitizing the public to the presence of weaponized people  in their midst extrapolated that mission to mean unloading her magazine at people who displeased her).

So I tried to make up for my tardy response with thoughtful rejoinders.

These are in the same order as the original queries, if you want to match them up.

I gotta say, I was a little crushed that I didn't hear back.

And then I discovered this.

And that kind of bums me, because I thought we had a real rapport. But I guess @OpenCarryTexas is less interested in rapport than it is in pretending that the America they live in actually agrees with their selfish, violent, bullying tactics.

I'm totally still willing and open to engaging in a mutually respectful exchange of viewpoints, as I think I expressed in my latest tweet:

I'd love to hear from a representative of the group to find out how they're going to steadfastly further their agenda while expressing appropriate responsibility for the actions of one their members. I think it would make for an enlightening conversation and a mutually beneficial airing of opposing ideas. I welcome that input.

For the record, I also believe I'm more likely to be harassed and intimidated (up to and including being shot just like Russell Dunnachie) than I am to ever be party to such a conversation.

Still, where there's life there's hope.

My condolences to the family of Russell Dunnachie, to whom I wish hope even where the lives of two loved ones have been stripped from them by an unstable person with an unhealthy affinity for deadly weapons.

If Governor Perry's Guns Are Taken Away, the Terrorists Win. No, Really.

As you may have heard, Texas Governor Dick Perry is under indictment for abuse of power and being a complete tool.

Those goggles are just plain douchey.

Hey! Guess what folks who under felony indictments can't do?

They can't have guns!

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Dick Perry likes guns.

The bigger the better.

He likes guns a lot.

The poster child for totally-not-batshit-crazy
gun owners.

Dick Perry loves guns.

And Jesus and fetuses.

But he can't have 'em until after the trial. And if he winds up being a convicted felon...no more guns for Dick Perry ever!

Let's get on with making being named Ted Nugent a felony.

Now, it's by no means a certain thing that Dick Perry will be convicted on charges that he used state funding to try to coerce a political opponent to resign. When I stop laughing about this, I do plan to write a serious analysis of all the twists and turns in this strange case. It's fascinating, and it's frustrating, and it deserves thoughtful attention.

But today I'm still laughing about the government taking Dick Perry's guns.

Now when he tells the ladies to look at the gun show,
he'll actually have to show them his arms.

This is a terrible time to disarm the Governor, unfortunately. What with Texas about to be overrun by Jihadists.

I mean, I took this picture at the Galleria not an hour ago.

In case you didn't know, Dick Perry has decided that 'Murica is not quite as jeopardized by the flood of refugee children from Central America as he thought (particularly since the flood has slowed to a trickle, and the word "trickle" does not make for good sound bites). So he's come up with a new reason to keep the National Guard deployed along the Texas-Mexico border: Because ISIS is fixin' to cross the Rio Grande, y'all!

Turns out Islamic extremists love the little old band
from Texas. Must be the beards.

Despite the fact that literally no one thinks there's a shred of plausibility to Dick Perry's dire warning, this is what he's going with to distract us from that pesky corruption trial. Personally, I think it should be one of the main planks of his platform when he runs for President in 2016.

Can convicted felons even run for President?

In Dick Perry's America, it will be a requirement.