Thursday, March 19, 2015

This Post About Gun Nuts Contains Salty Language. See What I Did There?

Dear gun nuts:

Can I call you gun nuts?

OK, so I was looking for images to make that illustration there, and I found this:

Does that not totally look like two peanuts getting it on?



To answer my own question, gun nuts: Yes, I do need to call you gun nuts, because I want to differentiate you from the gun owners who don't suffer from your particular affliction, which I call Butthurtus ammosexualis.

You think that's not a thing? It's a meme. And memes can't lie.
It is Internet law.
I know a lot of people who own guns. Hell, my own mom has been known to go to the gun range. I know people who collect guns, the way I collect sewing patterns. I'm pretty sure there is zero overlap between those two hobbies, but that doesn't keep some of these people from being dear friends. They don't stick their guns in my face, and I don't make them come over for fittings.

But these people don't suffer from Butthurtus ammosexualis. Or if they do, they're so far in the closet that they end up swapping shooting stories with John Travolta.

Huh. That had some layers of innuendo.
Have you ever noticed that the word innuendo sounds like an Italian guy describing anal sex?

Where was I?

Oh yes, gun nuts. You see, Butthurtus ammosexualis encompasses a specific set of symptoms. If you compare an unafflicted gun enthusiast with a gun nut, the disease becomes easy to diagnose.

Can you tell the difference?
Gun enthusiast: Understands the capabilities and limitations of firearms.
Gun nut: Ascribes magical powers to guns, from granting invulnerability to eliminating all crime.

Gun enthusiast: Exercises the right to own and carry guns responsibly and respectfully.
Gun nut: Demands the right to whip out a gun and publicly fondle it at his/her whim.

Gun enthusiast: Promotes gun safety and education.
Gun nut: Threatens people with opposing opinions.

Gun enthusiast: Realizes that many people feel intimidated by guns, conducts self discreetly.
Gun nut: Gathers with buddies in fast-food restaurants and leaves gun unattended so as to better stuff face with chicken tenders.

Gun enthusiast: Believes in the integrity of the Second Amendment.
Gun nut: Feels the Constitution is so weak that government confiscation of all weapons is imminent despite the Second Amendment expressly prohibiting such a thing.

Gun enthusiast: Feels that women who are comfortable with and properly trained on firearms can be empowered.
Gun nut: Calls women who campaign for common-sense gun laws cunts and whores.

Gun enthusiast: Knows there is room for thoughtful, even passionate debate about gun policy.
Gun nut: Sees literally zero middle ground between "everyone in America walking around fully armed at all times" and "banning every single form of weapon, plus burning old Looney Toons cartoons featuring Elmer Fudd hunting Bugs Bunny."

Gun enthusiast: Is a normal human who happens to pursue an interest I don't share.
Gun nut: Is a troglodyte pretending to be a better patriot than I am, because guns.

Claims of being a better dresser
are demonstrably false.
If you find yourself identifying with the gun nut, you may be suffering from Butthurtus ammosexualis. Don't see your doctor; there's no miracle cure, and your doctor doesn't want your gun-toting ass in his waiting room scaring his patients.

The only known treatment is to stop being an asshole.

That's my advice. Come and take it, won't you?


  1. It's incredibly easy advice to follow and...hey, there's an ad offering a free knife if I join the NRA. There's a joke in there somewhere about bringing a knife to a gun fight. Where was I? Oh yes, the efforts in my area to make it legal for employees to bring guns to work. It's bad enough that offices are hotbeds of crime--I work in a library and I've been shot several times! Admittedly it was always with a camera...where was I?

    Oh yes--the justification for this proposed law is that sometimes people put their guns in the trunk of their car (that's the "boot" for those of you in English-speaking Commonwealth countries) and then forget about them. And no one should be punished for forgetting where they've left their guns.

    I think being so careless as to forget where you've left your guns is another symptom of Butthurtus ammosexualis, but I defer to the experts on this matter.

  2. There is actually an Indian gun lobby. A very ineffectual gun lobby, seeing that it's not exactly easy for an Indian to own a gun legally (I couldn't get a permit in this state, for example, though my total criminal record comprises two parking tickets), but still a gun lobby, which lies exactly like your gun lobby, and in fact rehashes the same arguments.

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