Speak Softly and Slash the F*ck Out of People

Yes, there's a lot going on right now.

The devastation in Southeast Texas from Hurricane Harvey springs immediately to mind. My heart is warmed by the pictures and stories of ordinary people becoming heroes simply by caring enough to help those who are suffering.

Obviously if you're outside Dallas, there are other places to drop off
much-needed donations. Suggestions: feminine hygiene products,
batteries, phone chargers, socks/underwear.

Donald Trump's perfunctory, self-serving response to Harvey also occurs to me. Three tips, Cheeto Von Tweeto: DON'T make public appearances wearing hats for sale on your campaign website, DON'T hold an impromptu rally in front of fire trucks that could be out actually helping people, and DO actually meet with Americans whose lives have been directly affected by the hurricane.

These things, yes.

But I also want to touch on something else happening here in Texas.

In less than 48 hours, a new law takes effect here in the Lone Star State.

Specifically, HB 1935, which allows Texans - for the first time since the last Enrico Morricone spaghetti Western - to openly carry swords, defined as a knife longer than 5.5 inches in length.

As in every other area in life, length matters.

On September 1, this new law takes effect. If you want to channel your inner Jack Sparrow, Errol Flynn, or random dude who stabs people on a college campus, your (pirate) ship is about to come in. You can stick a freaking Bowie knife down the back of your pants like some kind of three-dimensional bro-dude tramp-stamp and roam freely, as is your God- and Greg Abbot-given right. Amen.

Eye patches and zombie repellent are optional. But encouraged.

Depends on your feelings about beautiful, empowered black
women wielding deadly weapons, I guess.

The thing is, on Friday, September 1, 2017, I will - in accordance with the laws of the State of Texas - begin carrying a longsword on my person.

Note the intricate carving, decorative hilt, and stylin' suede accents on the handle. Yo.

I am gonna rock this bad boy everywhere I go (with the exception of schools, churches, and other restricted locations per HB 1935).

Never mind that it's made of plastic and I found it in the trash at my apartment complex.

By no means the first cool thing I've found in the trash in my apartment complex, you guys.

Yes, this is a toy sword. But it's a very, very cool toy sword.

And as of Friday, this bad boy is riding with me.

If I have any interesting encounters as a result, you bet your ass I'll post them.

Sword rights for the win, Drunkards.

And if you have a sword (real or fake) and want to show solidarity, by all means post pictures here.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Y'all.

This Post About Gun Nuts Contains Salty Language. See What I Did There?

Dear gun nuts:

Can I call you gun nuts?

OK, so I was looking for images to make that illustration there, and I found this:

Does that not totally look like two peanuts getting it on?

Hehehehe.

Anyway.

To answer my own question, gun nuts: Yes, I do need to call you gun nuts, because I want to differentiate you from the gun owners who don't suffer from your particular affliction, which I call Butthurtus ammosexualis.

You think that's not a thing? It's a meme. And memes can't lie.
It is Internet law.

I know a lot of people who own guns. Hell, my own mom has been known to go to the gun range. I know people who collect guns, the way I collect sewing patterns. I'm pretty sure there is zero overlap between those two hobbies, but that doesn't keep some of these people from being dear friends. They don't stick their guns in my face, and I don't make them come over for fittings.

But these people don't suffer from Butthurtus ammosexualis. Or if they do, they're so far in the closet that they end up swapping shooting stories with John Travolta.

Huh. That had some layers of innuendo.

Have you ever noticed that the word innuendo sounds like an Italian guy describing anal sex?

Where was I?

Oh yes, gun nuts. You see, Butthurtus ammosexualis encompasses a specific set of symptoms. If you compare an unafflicted gun enthusiast with a gun nut, the disease becomes easy to diagnose.

Can you tell the difference?

Gun enthusiast: Understands the capabilities and limitations of firearms.
Gun nut: Ascribes magical powers to guns, from granting invulnerability to eliminating all crime.

Gun enthusiast: Exercises the right to own and carry guns responsibly and respectfully.
Gun nut: Demands the right to whip out a gun and publicly fondle it at his/her whim.

Gun enthusiast: Promotes gun safety and education.
Gun nut: Threatens people with opposing opinions.

Gun enthusiast: Realizes that many people feel intimidated by guns, conducts self discreetly.
Gun nut: Gathers with buddies in fast-food restaurants and leaves gun unattended so as to better stuff face with chicken tenders.

Gun enthusiast: Believes in the integrity of the Second Amendment.
Gun nut: Feels the Constitution is so weak that government confiscation of all weapons is imminent despite the Second Amendment expressly prohibiting such a thing.

Gun enthusiast: Feels that women who are comfortable with and properly trained on firearms can be empowered.
Gun nut: Calls women who campaign for common-sense gun laws cunts and whores.

Gun enthusiast: Knows there is room for thoughtful, even passionate debate about gun policy.
Gun nut: Sees literally zero middle ground between "everyone in America walking around fully armed at all times" and "banning every single form of weapon, plus burning old Looney Toons cartoons featuring Elmer Fudd hunting Bugs Bunny."

Gun enthusiast: Is a normal human who happens to pursue an interest I don't share.
Gun nut: Is a troglodyte pretending to be a better patriot than I am, because guns.

Claims of being a better dresser
are demonstrably false.

If you find yourself identifying with the gun nut, you may be suffering from Butthurtus ammosexualis. Don't see your doctor; there's no miracle cure, and your doctor doesn't want your gun-toting ass in his waiting room scaring his patients.

The only known treatment is to stop being an asshole.

That's my advice. Come and take it, won't you?

I Don't Like Guns, So I Have to Think with My Brain

@OpenCarryTexas has blocked me on Twitter!

I kind of needed the ego boost today, so thanks.

It all started last weekend when I responded to their posting of the 37,412th version of their rallying cry:

Russell Dunnachie is the Arlington, Texas man who was murdered, along with his daughter, by his estranged wife Veronica Dunnachie, who happens to be a very active member of the Open Carry movement.

Her last Facebook profile pic.

If you'll follow the link in the previous paragraph, you'll see many instances of her prominently featured in Open Carry events in the DFW area.

This one even has the Open Carry Tarrant County watermark on it,
because they're proud of being armed to teeth at Super Target.

Of course, after a flood of vaguely worded messages of shock and support, all traces of Veronica Dunnachie have now been removed from the Open Carry Texas and Open Carry Tarrant County Facebook pages. Because those groups apparently didn't appreciate the publicity they were getting because one of their members decided to openly carry a gun into the home she previously shared with her husband and gun down two people.

Best/saddest/now deleted comment to this OCTC Facebook post:
"But her mother-in-law did." Amen.

So I decided to open a dialogue with @OpenCarryTexas about their campaign to erase their affiliation with and support of an accused murderer from their social media sites.

Now, it was a Friday night, and I was tired, so I went to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah, my social life is shit. But OCT's can't be much better, because the next day I found this string of tweets directed at me:

I was so tickled! All that for little old me? You could tell that C.J. Grisham, or whichever of his trained monkeys mans the @OpenCarryTexas Twitter page, spent a lot of time and thought crafting these responses. Or looked them up in their "Risponding too the Medea" guide. Whichever. I felt badly for not being awake to immediately take up this intelligent debate of the issue at hand (the issue being that a person who advocated OCT's mission of desensitizing the public to the presence of weaponized people  in their midst extrapolated that mission to mean unloading her magazine at people who displeased her).

So I tried to make up for my tardy response with thoughtful rejoinders.

These are in the same order as the original queries, if you want to match them up.

I gotta say, I was a little crushed that I didn't hear back.

And then I discovered this.

And that kind of bums me, because I thought we had a real rapport. But I guess @OpenCarryTexas is less interested in rapport than it is in pretending that the America they live in actually agrees with their selfish, violent, bullying tactics.

I'm totally still willing and open to engaging in a mutually respectful exchange of viewpoints, as I think I expressed in my latest tweet:

I'd love to hear from a representative of the group to find out how they're going to steadfastly further their agenda while expressing appropriate responsibility for the actions of one their members. I think it would make for an enlightening conversation and a mutually beneficial airing of opposing ideas. I welcome that input.

For the record, I also believe I'm more likely to be harassed and intimidated (up to and including being shot just like Russell Dunnachie) than I am to ever be party to such a conversation.

Still, where there's life there's hope.

My condolences to the family of Russell Dunnachie, to whom I wish hope even where the lives of two loved ones have been stripped from them by an unstable person with an unhealthy affinity for deadly weapons.