Adorable Animals, Ranked

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Welcome to today’s presentation of adorable animals for May 14, 2019. These rankings have not been certified. Repeat, these rankings have not been certified. Please register your challenges with Central Control. Thank you.

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Rankings commence...now.

Number Ten: Juvenile Corn Snake

Number Nine: Otter in Swimming Pose

Number Eight: Guinea Pig, Multicolored

Number Seven: Capuchin Monkey, Dressed As People

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Number Seven: Capuchin Monkey, Dressed As People

Number Six: Beagle, Puppy Stage

Number Five: Crow Wearing Expression of Curiosity

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Cross-reference Curious Crow Cannabis Company of Tonasket, Washington.

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Number Four: Smiling Gecko

Number Three: Baby Tiger, Extreme Cuteness Mode

Number Two: Hedgehog in Slightly Furled Position

Number One:

Number One:

Number One:

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We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please wait.

Adorable animal loading now.

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Number One: Alligator On Casual Friday

This concludes today’s ranking of adorable animals. Thank you.

Simian Lives (Even Imaginary) Matter

Here's a true story from the Baudelaire Files:

A couple of weeks ago, Precocious Daughter and I were driving home from her weekly clarinet lesson.

Totally channeling the Goodman vibe, she is.

She was driving, because ever since she got her learner's permit, I basically only drive to work and home again. Everywhere else - Target, music lessons, her dad's place, band practice - she drives.

She is actually a pretty damn good driver. I'm proud of her.

And in fact, except for her two iron-clad rules - 1) the driver picks the radio station and 2) when she's not the driver she picks the radio station - I like being a passenger. It's a novelty I haven't enjoyed since becoming a single mom.

Let's pretend any of these women are me, OK?

Back to the point, though.

We were driving on a stretch of road between suburbs where the speed limit is 50 mph. And naturally, PDaughter was taking tf care of that rather high limit as she drove us home.

And so, while driving at a pretty good clip for a city street, we both saw something in the median.

First, we saw a big-ass crow.

I mean, this thing was the size of a KFC five-piece meal all by itself.

Seriously, effing wings and thighs and biscuits and all that shit.

Second, we saw that said Mr. Crow was presiding over the body of some roadkill. As your standard suburban crow will do.

Spoiler alert: Doesn't give a sh*t whether you call it a crow, blackbird,
or grackle. Will crap on your car and stare you the f*ck down
from the median.

Here's the thing: As we whiz by, PDaughter exclaims, "Was that a monkey?"

As in, was the roadkill we just saw next to the amazingly freaking large crow...an actual monkey?

DO NOT EVEN LOOK IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY

Oh, Jeebus. I'm sorry for that.

Here's the thing. I saw something in the median that Sunday morning.

I thought it was a large cat...?

Possibly a Siamese, because it was, like, tawny and had a long tail...?

But...A monkey?

What the actual f*ck would an actual dead monkey have been doing in the median of a suburban thoroughfare on a Sunday morning?

Besides something super-interesting but also
inherently very sad?

You can imagine our curiosity.

Unfortunately, the moment passed quickly.

We did not make a U-turn to confirm our suspicions, also unfortunately.

So what did we see that Sunday morning?

A run-of-the-mill carcass of a squirrel or cat that didn't make it across the road like the fabled chicken?

Or an actual long-tailed, tan-bodied, inexplicable monkey who somehow met its unlikely end along a wide suburban road in Texas, to be attended in death by a glossy black-feathered bird?

I'd like to say I have the answer. But I don't.

As far as PDaughter and I are concerned, we saw a monkey in the median along Belt Line Road between Coppell and Carrollton, Texas.

And we mourn that little guy.

The point is, every little life matters. Try to remember that as you whiz by on the roadway.

Every life.

Every one.

Tuesday Endorsements

I have five things to endorse today.

1) The Bai TV commercial featuring Christopher Walken and Justin Timberlake. This is off the freaking chain. Precocious Daughter recently stopped drinking soda and has switched to Bai. I continue to suck down Coke Zero, and also I'm not an *NSYNC fan. But anything that CWalk and PDaughter like, I will support.



2) Cold pork 'n beans. Not just room temperature, but actually stick-a-can-of-Van-Kamps-in-the-fridge cold. I'll eat 'em room temperature, I'll def eat 'em heated up. But coooooold p'n'b reminds me of my childhood and makes me happy.

3) Chopped Jr. Yes, the Food Network show. Over the past 25 years I've become a pretty damn decent scratch cook. But when I was in middle school? I could not have turned fried pickles and mole sauce into a Korean-infused entree. Hell, I couldn't do that now. Mad props to these kids. Also, it's hosted by Ted Allen, who always was my favorite Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

4) Claude Taylor. If you're on Twitter and haven't followed this former White House staffer-cum-artist-cum-SJW, you should. His nose for new is razor-sharp, particularly when it comes to the latest Trump intel. Also, he seems like a genuinely nice guy.

5) Otters. Why we can't all be more like otters? Feisty, smart, loving, and adorable af. Just saying.

What five things do you recommend today? Share, please.

Happy April 15th Day, You Know?

April the giraffe finally had her baby today.

So adorable.

Precocious Daughter and I took a break from obsessing over Hamilton to watch the Blu-Ray of Jesus Christ Superstar. Because Easter is tomorrow, you guys.

I attempted to replace my five-year-old smartphone, but my local T-Mobile store didn't have my desired phone in stock, so I guess I'll order it online.

It's April 15, and my taxes are filed.

I've written a poem every day this month. (You can read them here if you want. Not required, though, honestly.)

It's been a pretty good day, is what I'm saying.

And, you know, Happy Easter to those who celebrate.

Let me know what's good in your life.

OK?

For My Puppy

I just got a call from my ex.

He thinks that tomorrow morning, he will have to put down our Darling Dog.

DDog and PDaughter, both as babies.

About a week ago, DDog was diagnosed with idiopathic vestibulitus. Basically, doggy vertigo, which is pretty common in older dogs. It  manifests as dizziness, inability to walk, nausea, and  lack of appetite. Most doggos get over it in 7-10 days.

But it's been a week, and DDog is not getting better. He hasn't eaten in days, and now he's stopped drinking water. He soils himself. He no longer recognizes his dad. My ex is very stressed. He called me tonight to let me know what was happening.

I cried a lot, you guys.

If you've met this dog, you know how amazing he is.

If you haven't...he's an amazing dog dog. Such a good dog.

Anyway, he may die tomorrow.

His 13th birthday would be March 2nd. But we don't get to make these decisions.

Please share if you've ever loved a mutt who was the best dog ever.

Speak Softly and Say Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh

It's time for a revolution, Drunkards.

I'm not talking about a political revolution or a social revolution or even whatever revolt against our collective sanity caused Donald Trump to get 14 million primary votes.

No, I'm talking about a dolphin revolution.

It's become clear to me that most forms of communication are failing in our modern world. Civil discourse has given way to petty bickering. Entire philosophies are based upon logical fallacies that are supposed to disprove them, yet somehow they thrive. People on the Internet are just dicks to each other. And the media have all but thrown away any pretense of impartiality. The whole world seems like one long commercial where companies threaten to burn down your house if you don't buy their product. Only shoutier.

I say we need to find a new way to communicate. A better way. A much, much cuter way.

Enter dolphin sounds.

Dolphin sounds are happy sounds. Even the angriest dolphin you can imagine still sounds more like a cute little rascal than, say, Sean Hannity on a bender.

Just listen to these smiling, happy bastards:




You're happy, right? That's why I think we should emulate our dolphin brethren (who are, if you believe Douglas Adams, superior beings from another world to begin with). Go ahead, practice making a dolphin sound. Especially if you're reading this on a bus or in a crowded restaurant. Just do it. As Karen Carpenter once sang, don't worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just ehhhhhh - eh - eh - ehhhhhhhhhhh.



Once you get used to the unique squawking cadence of dolphin-speak, I think you'll find there are all kinds of scenarios in which dolphin sounds are far more effective, and less offensive, than human speech. Here are just a few:

If someone complains that "America has become a welfare state," ask them if they're on welfare. Or if any of their friends or loved ones are on welfare. Whatever they say, respond by making dolphin sounds.

If a person approaches you and demands your wallet/money, respond with dolphin sounds.

If you're in a relationship and you feel your partner is taking you for granted, state your case in dolphin sounds. Preferably in a public setting.

If you decide after a first interview that a job isn't right for you, but the company invites you back, conduct the second interview entirely in dolphin sounds. If they still want you, hey, maybe it's a good fit after all.

If an acquaintance talks smack about a candidate you support, smile, nod...and give a 10-minute rebuttal in dolphinese.

If your boss makes a passive-aggressive comment that hurts like a bitch, spend the next few days conducting all business with his top clients via dolphin sounds.

If your internet goes down for long periods of time with no explanation, call your service provider and calmly express your dissatisfaction with dolphin sounds.

If you can't think of anything nice to say, say it with dolphin sounds.

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Also, this happened on Twitter:

Shit. Now what do I do?

 Eheheheheheheheheheheh *qlunq*

Tires Are Totally Part of the Circle of Life

Forgive me, Mother Earth, for I have sinned.

I have killed one your cutest and most bushy-tailed creations.

You did what, now?

This morning, while driving Precocious Daughter to her music lesson, I ran over a squirrel.

It was an accident. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!

Use of deadly force was approved!

To be fair, Mother Earth, you created squirrels to possess intelligence in inverse proportion to their adorableness. They are, in fact, very stupid. Sure, they instinctively know to gather nuts each year and hibernate during the coldest part of winter and even how to make little squirrel nests to raise their squirrel babies.

But couldn't you have given them some sort of basic survival instinct, as well?

Or, alternatively, some sort of natural protection?

The road I was driving on was smooth and wide and had excellent visibility. So I saw the little critter scampering across, heading for the median. He was 18 inches from safety - a mere moment at scampering speed. All he had to do was keep going.

But no. He stopped, directly in the path of my left front tire.

Aaaaah! Then what?

Now, I had time to slow down, and I had space to swerve out of the little guy's way. Had he either resumed crossing or stayed where he was, I could have avoided him. 

Mother Earth, why did you give squirrels the natural ability to choose precisely the worst option for their own survival?

Why, instead of running a couple of feet forward, did this little squirrel decide to turn around and go back the way he came? 

PDaughter and I watched, horrified, as this fluffy-tailed idiot made a beeline for the exact spot where my right front tire could take him out. Which is exactly what it did.

A moment of silence, please.

PDaughter screamed. I screamed. There was nothing I could do. We heard a small thud! And when I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw his little lifeless body, somewhat flattened, lying in the road.

And then I saw the car behind me run over him, too.

"You hit him! You hit him!" PDdaughter shouted.

"I know! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so so sorry!" I wailed. "You stupid squirrel, why did you do that?"

That's right. I blamed the squirrel for his own demise.

I'm not one to shame the victim. But it's not as if he dressed provocatively or let me pay for dinner or walked alone in a bad neighborhood. But he had two strong options for survival (three if you count not crossing the goddamn road in traffic in the first place), and he blew them off.

*sigh* Jerry never was the smartest squirrel in the tree.

That squirrel's death was quick and (I hope) painless. I, on the other hand, am traumatized and have to live with accidentally facilitating the creation of roadkill on what should have been a pleasant and uneventful drive. I think I deserve some sympathy here.

So forgive me, Mother Earth, for offing one of your furry children. In my defense, I think I've made a valuable contribution to natural selection. Perhaps my children's children's children will behold the wonder of the armored squirrel, impervious to smooshing. Perhaps I've helped hasten the rise of the all-powerful squirrel army that someday will enslave mankind force humans to work in filthy walnut mines in the service of squirrelkind.

All in a day's evolution.

Pictures of Animals. Yeah.

I owe you guys a post.

But I'm sort of in a BAD FREAKING PLACE tonight.

So instead of anything substantive, here are my favorite adorable pictures of animals.

Here is an owl riding a skateboard.

Here is a guinea pig (you guys know I love guinea pigs) wearing a SOMBRERO.

Here is a lil meerkat who just likes yellow flowers, OK?

Here is a sloth. In a bowl. I don't know what more you want.

Oh, and case you think I only feature mammals?

Here is a gorgeous green anaconda, y'all.

And a lizard who really doesn't give a crap what you think, because he knows he's all that

AND a goddamn caterpillar who wants you to know your problems don't affect her.

Being green. Easier than you think.

Life is pretty good. except the parts that are SHIIIIIT. But I can deal with those.

Enjoy the animals. I 'll be back tomorrow with angst and problems and shit.

Squee beats shitfuckcrap any day, right?

Right.

Tonight It's Pretty Much About Donald Trump's Hair

Drunkards, all I'm doing tonight is putting Donald Trump's hair on pictures of other things.

You know, like a squirrel.

My nuts are yuuuuuge.

And a dachshund.

I'm very, very attractive.
I might perhaps date me.

And a manatee.

How does it stay dry?

Of course, why should I stop at animals? Perhaps I could improve great works of art by applying Trump hair.

The Old Guitarist with Great Hair.

This is working, right?

OMG, my hair!!!

Or I could put the Donald's hair on fictional characters, such as the Third Doctor (my favorite after David Tennant).

Um.

Or this dude.

I'd worship that.

Maybe I should just stick to real people. Like Terry Crews.

Use Old Spice or my hair will find you and kill you!

Or formerly relevant singer Sinead O'Connor.

Nothing compares 2 this hair.

Or this guy. I'd love to see them show up at some event with the same coif.

This is oddly appealing.

As I said, this is all I'm doing tonight. I'll take requests if you've got them. Maybe tomorrow will be Vegetables with Trump Hair.

The possibilities are endless.

Labor of Love

I'm really glad I don't have to work tomorrow.

Or deal with assholes in traffic.

I don't have any Labor Day plans. So I'll probably just get some things done around the house.

Maybe do some writing.

Definitely listen to music and chill.

Gotta pick up a few groceries, no doubt.

And of course, hang out with my best girl.

I'd better rest up for all that.

G'night, everybody.