Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Speak Softly and Say Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh

It's time for a revolution, Drunkards.

I'm not talking about a political revolution or a social revolution or even whatever revolt against our collective sanity caused Donald Trump to get 14 million primary votes.

No, I'm talking about a dolphin revolution.

It's become clear to me that most forms of communication are failing in our modern world. Civil discourse has given way to petty bickering. Entire philosophies are based upon logical fallacies that are supposed to disprove them, yet somehow they thrive. People on the Internet are just dicks to each other. And the media have all but thrown away any pretense of impartiality. The whole world seems like one long commercial where companies threaten to burn down your house if you don't buy their product. Only shoutier.

I say we need to find a new way to communicate. A better way. A much, much cuter way.

Enter dolphin sounds.

Dolphin sounds are happy sounds. Even the angriest dolphin you can imagine still sounds more like a cute little rascal than, say, Sean Hannity on a bender.

Just listen to these smiling, happy bastards:

You're happy, right? That's why I think we should emulate our dolphin brethren (who are, if you believe Douglas Adams, superior beings from another world to begin with). Go ahead, practice making a dolphin sound. Especially if you're reading this on a bus or in a crowded restaurant. Just do it. As Karen Carpenter once sang, don't worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just ehhhhhh - eh - eh - ehhhhhhhhhhh.

Once you get used to the unique squawking cadence of dolphin-speak, I think you'll find there are all kinds of scenarios in which dolphin sounds are far more effective, and less offensive, than human speech. Here are just a few:

If someone complains that "America has become a welfare state," ask them if they're on welfare. Or if any of their friends or loved ones are on welfare. Whatever they say, respond by making dolphin sounds.

If a person approaches you and demands your wallet/money, respond with dolphin sounds.

If you're in a relationship and you feel your partner is taking you for granted, state your case in dolphin sounds. Preferably in a public setting.

If you decide after a first interview that a job isn't right for you, but the company invites you back, conduct the second interview entirely in dolphin sounds. If they still want you, hey, maybe it's a good fit after all.

If an acquaintance talks smack about a candidate you support, smile, nod...and give a 10-minute rebuttal in dolphinese.

If your boss makes a passive-aggressive comment that hurts like a bitch, spend the next few days conducting all business with his top clients via dolphin sounds.

If your internet goes down for long periods of time with no explanation, call your service provider and calmly express your dissatisfaction with dolphin sounds.

If you can't think of anything nice to say, say it with dolphin sounds.


Also, this happened on Twitter:

Shit. Now what do I do?

 Eheheheheheheheheheheh *qlunq*


  1. I love this entire post. I'm actually a bit surprised (and more than slightly disappointed) that I didn't think of this a long time ago. I shall put my new happiness to use immediately.


  2. All I can think of is the Spongebob episode where he and Patrick learn to swear...in dolphin sounds.
    And the recent story about a dolphin stealing a woman's iPad because they really are that smart.
    And the movie Day of the Dolphin which, at the end, had me sobbing like an eight-year old. But then I was eight years old at the time.
    None of this is relevant, though, because you're in the big leagues now. I just hope you don't forget us little people.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.