Beyond Sharknado

Drunkard Pablo gave me an excellent blog topic today.

Also, he wants a better nickname than Pablo, so I'm offering Rowsdower or El Huevo.

Take it or leave it.

Anyway, the topic is this: It's tornado season here in Texas, and there's no better tornado than a SHARKNADO.

If you see a Ford Focus with this sticker
on the back window, that's totally me.

But wait...are there other, even awesomer 'nados out there? Maybe so, child. Maybe so.

Like maybe...a frognado?

Ribbit! Ribbit!

Or a Shatnado.

Every hair still perfect, you'll notice.

Or a cornado.

Mind the ears!

Or a Dogenado?

So meme. Wow.

Or the ever-terrifying TORnado.

My personal favorite.

Maybe, like, a Thornado?

The windy hammer of justice? I don't know.

And finally, the protector of us all...the Ralphnado.

Full disclosure: Voted for this one
in 2000.

Take your pick. Their powers are all terrifying.

Also, I can't wait to see Sharknado 2, can you?

You're either with me or against me here.

And remember, there's always the horror of the Pauly Shornado.

Totally no need for Photoshop to enhance
the terror.

Thanks again, El Huevo.

You Can't Spell Chuck Norris Without Awesome. Don't Try It.

Dear Mr. Norris:

Wait, can I call you Chuck? After all, my name is Chuck, too. So we're practically related, right?

Holy crap, we're like twins.

So, Chuck, I just wanted to thank you for attending my Precocious Daughter's karate belt ceremony at her school last night. Actually, first I want to thank you and your wife, Mrs. Chuck, for founding the Kickstart Kids program in Texas and for remaining an active part of it instead of just slapping your name on it like a douchey skull on an Ed Hardy jacket and walking away to polish your collection of gold-plated condor skeletons and hang out with your, admittedly, rather hot spouse.

You're an adorable couple in person, just as you were
when this picture was taken sometime in the 20th century.

PDaughter was quite excited when she learned that you were going to be present when she was awarded her purple belt. But not as excited as I was. Not by a long shot.

My exact words, except I was smiling
and doing an awkward little happy dance.

You, after all, are Chuck Norris, 10th Degree Black Belt, King of the Internet, Destroyer of Men, Slayer of Evil, Purveyor of Home Fitness Equipment. Your fist-pumps punch holes in the ozone layer. You make onions cry. All of your genes are dominant. Your dog scoops its own poop because you don't take shit from anyone.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?
ALL OF THEM.

Plus you're like a huge celebrity, and I am so into seeing famous people. You may have heard that I saw William Shatner's one-man show recently. I'm pretty sure that was covered extensively in the media, although you might have missed it because you were opening pickle jars with threats and charisma. The point is, the opportunity to see both The Shat and The Chuck (well, at least the Other Chuck, with all due respect) in a single year makes me think the Mayans were right. The world may as well end in 2012 because nothing can top that. Unless you disagree, in which case, f*ck the Mayans.

Because I'm pretty sure this is what happened
the last time you disagreed with the Mayans.

Here's the point, Chuck. You sat through a long program of demonstrations and speeches by a bunch of middle- and high-school kids, and you were generous with your applause, and you warmly greeted all of the instructors with hugs and handshakes. And even though by my count there must have been a hundred kids receiving belts last night, you posed for a picture with every single one of them. You smiled and spoke encouraging words. You put your arm around PDaughter and told her she did a great job. And...and your beard brushed her head.

I would have fainted if it had been me.
And you and your beard would have comforted me.
And we would be wearing period clothing for some reason.

It was a memorable and moving evening. My only quibble, Chuck? When everyone else stood and faced the flag during the National Anthem, your bodyguard faced the room instead. What's up with that?

As if anyone could ever sneak up on Chuck Norris from behind.
Or maybe he was making sure no one was staring at his wife's butt.
(Great picture by the awesome Bek!)

Thanks for coming out, Chuck and the lovely Mrs. Chuck. It meant a lot to the kids, and it turned an audience of mature adults into giggling, neck-craning fanpeeps. Except for me, of course.

I wasn't mature to begin with.

And remember at the end of the evening when the room had gone quiet after a huge final round of applause for you, and you were walking out the door to your waiting limousine made from a tame T. Rex? And someone yelled, "Bye, Chuck!"

That was totally me.

P.S. I can't believe I had forgotten this, but my friend SuzyQ reminded me that this was not our first encounter, Chuck. Many years ago you were doing location filming for "Walker, Texas Ranger" in Farmers Branch, Texas right behind the building where I was working at the time. And I went outside and I yelled "Hi, Chuck!" I'm so glad we finally got to finish our conversation.

Why Yesterday Was Amazing

Two days ago I said I wasn't going to see William Shatner's one-man show in Dallas. I believe my exact words were "I'm just a lowlife blogger and I don't do awesome things like that."

Today I'm pretty sure I'm still a lowlife blogger. But I'm a lowlife blogger who totally got to see Bill Shatner last night, bitches!

OMFG, and unicorns!

I think I still owe my friends ChrisAndBek about 6,000 more lame, inadequate expressions of gratitude for making it possible. It was soooo much fun. Bill (who is now my boyfriend, because I don't think a 37-year age difference is an insurmountable obstacle, nor the fact that we've never met) was great. If he comes to your town with his one-man show, go see it. GO! I'M NOT MESSING AROUND HERE!

Now you've gone and made the unicorn angry.

Ahem.

But it wasn't just the performance that caused yesterday to be amazing. Here's what else made March 22, 2012 a day full of win.

1. Jonathan Coulton - Bek introduced me to his music yesterday while we were driving downtown. Now I lurve him. The only thing better than a day when I discover a new singer-songwriter to dig on is a day when I discover I actually left myself a couple of shots of vodka at the bottom of the bottle for once. Wholly unexpected and tremendously exciting. Listen:




2. The world's most unhelpful "You Are Here" sign - We parked in this really cool parking garage across the street from the Majestic Theater. It's six stories tall and about 12 feet wide. Seriously. Ascending the levels of this garage in a car is like being a ladybug trundling up a corkscrew.

As helpfully illustrated here.

Thankfully there was an elevator to take us from the fifth level to the ground floor. And posted next to the elevator was this sign:

You are here...in the vicinity of this tiny X in the upper left corner of a
completely featureless rectangle that represents this parking garage or perhaps
a broom closet in the Guggenheim.

The sign did a somewhat better job of pointing out the nearby fire escape/exit. We didn't get a picture of it, but it was marked "DO NOT USE THESE STAIRS." I guess because they belong exclusively to Mark.

3. It was Bill Shatner's birthday - We got to sing "Happy Birthday" to a living legend, in person, while he tried to blow out trick candles on a birthday cake. Did you do that yesterday? Well, if you were at the show you did, or if you're a close personal friend of Sir Lord Baron Duke Earl King Andrew Lloyd Webber, whose birthday was also yesterday. But he's not William Fucking Shatner. I win.

4. Dolly Madison Zingers - This has nothing to do with Bill Shatner's one-man show. Even I can't forge a connection that tenuous, and my mind is wired by stoned elves with 10 lb. test fishing line.

I actually Googled "stoned elves with 10 lb. test fishing line"
to see what would happen, and I got this picture of a bag of baby carrots.
Thanks for making me look like a slacker, Google.

However, a while back in this space I lamented the appearance of Hostess-branded Zingers following the merger of Hostess and Dolly Madison into a single snack-cake entity. It made me sad, in the way that only completely insignificant changes to a large corporation's marketing strategy can make one sad.

But yesterday, feeling peckish and down to the last four quarters of my vast personal fortune before payday, I took a chance on the coin-devouring vending machine in my building and scored some chocolate Zingers. I could have gotten pretzels or a granola bar or some healthy shit like that, but I didn't. Because I'm edgy that way. And before I ripped away the wrapper and shoved those little artery-cloggers down my gullet, I noticed this:

Cue heavenly strains of "Linus and Lucy."

It was when I saw the Dolly Madison label returned to its rightful place on a package of Zingers that I realized this might turn out to be a pretty good day. And for once I was right.

5. "'Yes' is risky" - Mr. Shatner said those words during his show, and they made it all worthwhile for me. "Yes" is risky. "No" is safe and easy and is what I very nearly said when Bek asked me if I wanted to go with her to the Majestic. Because my mind tends to make a beeline for "no." It winds through all the doubts and questions that try - and with me, generally succeed - to disrail me.

Accept a free ticket? Does she feel sorry for me? How am I going to repay that? Spontaneously give up an evening at home to go downtown? On a weeknight? What if Beloved Spouse is mad that he can't go? What if Precocious Daughter is sad that I'm bailing on "American Idol" results night? What will they have for dinner while I'm gone? Is it worth it? Can I do it? Can I risk it?

I came so very close to making a lame excuse for turning down Bek's generous offer. It was a knee-jerk reaction, an automatic assumption that I couldn't, shouldn't, upset my normal routine. But at the last moment, a smart little voice in my head - one that almost always gets drowned out by my big dumb doubts - managed to ask, "Do you think you'll regret going more than you'll regret not going?"

So I took a chance and said "Yes." Despite my deeply ingrained resistance to not paying my own way, despite my natural inclination to never put my own needs in front of my family's, despite the fact that I don't do anything spontaneous unless I've carefully planned it out beforehand (yes, I know)... I risked a "Yes." And it was a great time.

Yeah, yesterday turned out to be amazing. And it had a lot to do with a free ticket to a really fun show. But it also had to do with a bunch of little unrelated joys that I actually allowed myself to find and grab on to. They added up to one damn fine day. I've got to do that more often.

Hmmm...I wonder if George Takei has a one-man show?

Oh, Holy Shat!

And the Drunkard of the Year award goes to my friend and faithful reader Bek!

BEK! BEK! BEK! BEK!

Sort of sounds like a chicken when you say it fast.
That's a compliment, honest.

Thanks to this most fabulous babe, yours truly gets to attend William Shatner's one-man show at the Majestic Theatre tonight!

Needs a few more exclamation points, but yeah.

I am thrilled, overwhelmed, and overjoyed. I'm doing the most awkward middle-aged-white-mom dance you've ever seen right now. And speak-singing "Rocket Man." Just like -

OMG I'M GOING TO SEE WILLIAM SHATNER TONIGHT!!!!

SQUEEEEEEEEE!

I owe Bek a drink. And an appetizer of her choice. And another drink. Not tonight, per se, because it's a weeknight and we're both working moms. So heading for Mexico after the show is probably not an option, either. But IOU, baby. I-freaking-OU.

Psssst...him. We're seeing him.

Best. Early. Birthday. Present. EVER.

Thank you, Bek. This is going to rock.

P.S. I think Beloved Spouse is a little jealous/pissed that I'm going without him. Don't worry, dear, I promise I won't run away with Bill. Why yes, I do call him Bill.

You Know What Tomorrow Is, Don't You?

Tomorrow is March 22nd. You know what means, don't you?

It's William Shatner's birthday!

Want to blow out my candles, baby?
You know you do.

If you've been reading my blog since last year at this time, YOU'VE WASTED THE LAST YEAR! GO READ A DAMN BOOK!

Perhaps some fiction.

Anyway, if you've been reading my blog since last year at this time, then you may remember that I went a little nuts when Bill (I call him Bill, for no good reason) turned 80. I believe there were five posts dedicated to the Once and Future Kirk that day. Five awesome posts.

That shirt is stuffed with awesome.

I've added a "The Shat" tag to my "Mostly What I'm Ranting About" list on the right side of the page there so you can review the glory of last year's birthday Shat-a-Thon at your pleasure.

And it will be your pleasure. Oh, yes.

Here's what's especially super-awesome about William Shatner's birthday this year: He's spending it right here in Dallas! Woo-hoo! Bill (did I mention I call him Bill?) is performing his one-man show, "Shatner's World: We Just Live in It" at the Majestic Theater tomorrow night, and he'll be interviewed in the morning on my favorite radio station, KLUV.

Er, no, I won't be attending. Because I'm just a lowlife blogger and I don't do awesome things like that. :(

Forgive me, Bill. Can I call you Bill?

But I wanted to give you all a heads-up on The Shat's birthday so you can prepare your celebrations.

Maybe whip up a cake.

By the way, in honor of his birthday, voice actor Maurice LaMarche (The Brain, people!) has decreed that March 22nd is also International Talk Like William Shatner Day. So brush up on your stilted dialogue and practice shouting "KHAAAAAAAAAAN!" or you'll feel like a real dummy tomorrow when you're the only one not doing it, K?

Good job, Mr. Fluffypants.

For next year, I'm working on getting William Shatner's birthday declared a national holiday so I can take the day off. I love days off. Almost as much as I love Bill Shatner.

Maybe not quite as much as he loves himself. But that would be a lot of love. More than a non-Shatner could handle without imploding.

Hugz, Bill. We're like this (holds up crossed fingers). We're tight.

Video Saturday: Bohemian Rhapsody by William F'ing Shatner!

William Shatner, in all his 80-year-old transcendant looniness, has made a new album called Seeking Major Tom, in which Himself sings 20 songs that have more or less or almost nothing to do with space and whatnot.

If someone doesn't buy me the deluxe vinyl box set
for Christmas, I'm going to kill myself.

We've just had a pretty awesome week here on planet Earth, what with Ghadafy being dragged out of a drainage pipe and having his ass capped by his own people, and Governor Dick Perry being endorsed by his dogs. But this? This is serious shit. William Shatner has released a cover of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." Make your peace, Israel and Palestine. The stars ain't gonna align any better than they are right this minute.

Like Shatner's landmark, definitive version of "Rocket Man," his "Bohemian Rhapsody" has got to be experienced in tandem with its video. BECAUSE IT DOES, THAT'S WHY. For reals, people. I hope to God he makes videos for some of the other tracks on the album, like "She Blinded Me with Science" and "Space Cowboy." Yes, I'm very interested in the Shat's artistic take on the Pompatus of Love.

But for now, please behold, experience, and be awed by "Bohemian Rhapsody," as interpreted by the most awesome man in show business, Mister Captain His Eminence William "Don't Call Me T.J. Hooker or I'll Kick You in the Balls" Shatner. I freakin' love you, Bill.

The Last Shatner Birthday Post (I Promise)

Oh, gosh, this has been fun.  Not just celebrating the 80th birthday of Mr. William Shatner, although that has been a joy and an honor.  But knowing that I've bored and exasperated those readers who don't share my adoration of the Shat...I love you all, and I thank you for your patience while I got this out of my system.  I wish I had pictures of your eye-rolling, head-shaking, and frustrated mouse-clicking every time you realized I had posted yet another goddamn bunch of pictures of William freaking Shatner.  Tomorrow I'll write about my kid or Charlie Sheen or getting drunk or whatever you want.  Really.  But man, imagining the looks on your faces for the last five posts...hoo-boy.  Life is good.

OK, so here are just a few random shots of The Man that I thought were particularly wonderful.

"William Shatner is so cool that when he appears on 'Match Game,'
Charles Nelson Reilly [blank]s him."

Guest-starring on "The Rookies" in 1975.  Aaron Spelling
must have thought Shatner made a pretty good cop,
because he later cast him in...

..."T.J. Hooker," which introduced the world to Heather Locklear.
And the idea that cops didn't have to be young,
physically fit, or have their original hair.

There's more hair where this came from, ladies.
It's on my back.

Still smirking and smoldering after all these years.

Happy Birthday, Bill!  Thanks for an amazing body of work.  Except for Kingdom of the Spiders.  That stunk.  A lot.  Hugs!

Shatner - His Star Trek Hair

It may shock some people to discover that our birthday boy William Shatner has worn a variety of hairpieces over the years.  No, really, he has!  I'll show you through pictures from his seven Star Trek movies (he used to be in a show called "Star Trek," did you at least know that?  He wasn't always the dad in "Shit My Dad Says."  No, really!)

Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Wow, on the big screen his hair is so much...bigger.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
KHAAAAN...Your fake mullet is no match for my synthetic curls!

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
Did you look under your wig?

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
In solidarity with the story's humpback whales,
our hero sports humpback hair.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
"Why yes, that could be a play on words about my hairline.  Very clever."
Aside: "Have Mr. Nimoy killed."

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
The title comes from Hamlet's soliloquy.
Here we see a toupee covering Shatner's bare bodkin.

Star Trek: Generations
Captain Kirk dies, just as he's starting to get the hair right.
WTF?

Next:  A final birthday post in honor of William Shatner.  No, not his final birthday.  That's just mean. 

Even More Shatner - Deal with It

Continuing our all-day William Shatner birthdayfestoflove, here are pictures from Bill's (I call him Bill, as all his dear friends do, as well as George Takei) 1960s spectacular coming out.  Coming out, like the way a debutante comes out, not the way George Takei did.  OK, then.

That's a cigarette, right? Although I'll bet Shatner
was down with the weed in his day.

Method acting with formidable moobage on display.

Will you cast me as Captain Kirk if I show you my big gun?

The smolder, the smirk, AND the off-camera gaze.
Clearly a pinnacle had been achieved.

Seen here with a few of his favorite toupees.

Just remember, if you try to upstage me, Imma choke you, bitch.

Next:  a discussion of industrial determinism vs. expressionistic nihilism.  Or more Shatner photos.  I haven't decided yet.