Warning: Puns at Maturity Are Fully Groan

 Today I have for you a joke. A bad joke! An illustrated joke! A badly illustrated bad joke!

If you don't LOL, I hope you'll at least groan.

***

One day three dinosaur friends were running and playing together on the grassy plains.

One of them spotted a shiny object off in the distance and went to investigate (dinosaurs like shiny objects).

It was a magic lamp!

They rubbed the lamp - which was not an easy feat with their short dinosaur arms, but they managed - and a genie appeared.

The genie said, "I have three wishes to grant, so I'll give one to each of you." The dinosaurs thought this was fair, having little knowledge of the legal concept of possession.

The first dinosaur thought hard. "All right," he said, "I wish for a big, juicy piece of meat."

Instantly there appeared before him the biggest, juiciest piece of meat they had seen in many a day.

Not to be outdone by his friend, the second dinosaur thought even harder. "I know!" he cried. "I wish for a shower of meat!"

All at once, large chunks of meat began to rain down around him, courtesy of the genie's powers.

The third dinosaur was amazed and astonished, and not a little jealous of his friends. Determined, he thought as hard as his little walnut brain could think. 

At last a smile of triumph split his toothy face. "I've got it!" he crowed.

"I wish for...a MEATIER shower!"

***

Please enjoy your day.

Mom Jokes For The Win

I made Precocious Daughter laugh twice today.

That gets the Victory Squirrel Dance Pose.

Making your kid laugh is easy-peasy when she's, say, three. Or seven. Or even 12. Try to make a teenager laugh, and you're in "squeeze-another-sequel-out-of-Alien" mode. Difficult, awkward, and embarrassing for all.

So when I scored not just a laugh, but a sincere laugh, off PDaughter for two completely off-the-cuff jokes, I felt pretty damn justifiably pleased with myself. So much so that I thought I'd share them.

Disclaimer: You guys know I love stupid jokes. There's nothing wrong with stupid jokes if they're stupid and funny. Why do you think "Family Guy" is still on the air?

Actually, I have no idea why "Family Guy" is still on the air. Bad example.

Why is his chin a scrotum? WHY?

Joke No. 1:

What's green and stands on one leg?

A phlegmingo!

Joke No. 2:

What do you call the star of BBC's "Sherlock" after a minor car accident?

Been in a fender-bender!

GET IT???

Wocka-wocka!

Yeah, well, my kid thought they were funny, and so did I. So we'll just be over giggling while you chuckle politely at the sophisticated wit of Noel Coward or some goddamn thing.

But really. Go find a teenager and lay these on him/her. You'll thank me when your cred goes crazy high. Yo.

Bad Jokes, Part Two

OK, yesterday I asked for your help choosing the worser of two really bad jokes.

I laughed until I was a little hoarse.

Today I've got two more. Why am I presenting all these lame jokes?

I'm not telling.

Anyway, here are today's contenders. Comment and vote.

Today's theme is "What do you call?"

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.

Are you shitting me?

What do you call a mushroom who goes to a bar and buys everybody drinks all night?
A fungi to be around.

I'm gonna cap you for that.

Honestly, I think these are all hilarious. I'm a sick person.

Give me a shout and tell me what you think.

I Need Your Help

Good evening, Drunkards. I have two terrible jokes and I need to know which is terribler. Please weigh in.

Here's Option #1.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"Breathe, damn you, breathe!"

Yeah, that's pretty bad, but wait. Here's Option #2.

How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis. LADDER! I meant ladder!

The winner will move on to the next round of terrible jokes. Yeah, there are more. So let me know, and remember:

A Non-Partisan Joke

Just because it's Friday, let's have some humor that straddles the political fence. Smile, life is good.

A man was flying in a hot air balloon and realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a another man down below. He lowered the balloon further and shouted: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man on the ground shouted up: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man on the ground. "How did you know?"

"Because," said the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but it doesn't do me any good and makes you sound like kind of an asshole."

The man below said, "And you must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the Republican, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


If you like it, share it.

You Can't Spell Chuck Norris Without Awesome. Don't Try It.

Dear Mr. Norris:

Wait, can I call you Chuck? After all, my name is Chuck, too. So we're practically related, right?

Holy crap, we're like twins.

So, Chuck, I just wanted to thank you for attending my Precocious Daughter's karate belt ceremony at her school last night. Actually, first I want to thank you and your wife, Mrs. Chuck, for founding the Kickstart Kids program in Texas and for remaining an active part of it instead of just slapping your name on it like a douchey skull on an Ed Hardy jacket and walking away to polish your collection of gold-plated condor skeletons and hang out with your, admittedly, rather hot spouse.

You're an adorable couple in person, just as you were
when this picture was taken sometime in the 20th century.

PDaughter was quite excited when she learned that you were going to be present when she was awarded her purple belt. But not as excited as I was. Not by a long shot.

My exact words, except I was smiling
and doing an awkward little happy dance.

You, after all, are Chuck Norris, 10th Degree Black Belt, King of the Internet, Destroyer of Men, Slayer of Evil, Purveyor of Home Fitness Equipment. Your fist-pumps punch holes in the ozone layer. You make onions cry. All of your genes are dominant. Your dog scoops its own poop because you don't take shit from anyone.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?
ALL OF THEM.

Plus you're like a huge celebrity, and I am so into seeing famous people. You may have heard that I saw William Shatner's one-man show recently. I'm pretty sure that was covered extensively in the media, although you might have missed it because you were opening pickle jars with threats and charisma. The point is, the opportunity to see both The Shat and The Chuck (well, at least the Other Chuck, with all due respect) in a single year makes me think the Mayans were right. The world may as well end in 2012 because nothing can top that. Unless you disagree, in which case, f*ck the Mayans.

Because I'm pretty sure this is what happened
the last time you disagreed with the Mayans.

Here's the point, Chuck. You sat through a long program of demonstrations and speeches by a bunch of middle- and high-school kids, and you were generous with your applause, and you warmly greeted all of the instructors with hugs and handshakes. And even though by my count there must have been a hundred kids receiving belts last night, you posed for a picture with every single one of them. You smiled and spoke encouraging words. You put your arm around PDaughter and told her she did a great job. And...and your beard brushed her head.

I would have fainted if it had been me.
And you and your beard would have comforted me.
And we would be wearing period clothing for some reason.

It was a memorable and moving evening. My only quibble, Chuck? When everyone else stood and faced the flag during the National Anthem, your bodyguard faced the room instead. What's up with that?

As if anyone could ever sneak up on Chuck Norris from behind.
Or maybe he was making sure no one was staring at his wife's butt.
(Great picture by the awesome Bek!)

Thanks for coming out, Chuck and the lovely Mrs. Chuck. It meant a lot to the kids, and it turned an audience of mature adults into giggling, neck-craning fanpeeps. Except for me, of course.

I wasn't mature to begin with.

And remember at the end of the evening when the room had gone quiet after a huge final round of applause for you, and you were walking out the door to your waiting limousine made from a tame T. Rex? And someone yelled, "Bye, Chuck!"

That was totally me.

P.S. I can't believe I had forgotten this, but my friend SuzyQ reminded me that this was not our first encounter, Chuck. Many years ago you were doing location filming for "Walker, Texas Ranger" in Farmers Branch, Texas right behind the building where I was working at the time. And I went outside and I yelled "Hi, Chuck!" I'm so glad we finally got to finish our conversation.

Awesome, Offensive...or Awesomely Offensive?

This is awesome.

No, not this.
OK, it is, but it's not what I'm talking about.

There's a federal judge in Montana who's in hot water over an e-mail that he forwarded. He's apologized and self-initiated an official investigation into his actions.

Awesome thing about this #1: The headline on CNN.com reads "Judge asks for probe after sending racist Obama e-mail."

I've been a bad boy. Be gentle.

Needless to say, I have a new career goal, and it is to be a headline writer for CNN.com. It replaces my former goal of being a headline writer for ESPN.com.

Who apparently will fire you for having a flair for inventive descriptions.

OK, so Richard Cebull - who is the Chief Federal District Judge of the state of Montana, which is a real job - is facing predictable calls to step down because of a joke that he forwarded to some friends via e-mail. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the calls are not coming from anyone he sent the e-mail to, or whoever actually sent it first, or any of the people from any point on the political spectrum who think it's hilarious to say tacky things about elected officials they didn't vote for.

Which leaves this guy.
Caption: I is on your news, calling for your resignation.

Awesome thing about this #2: CNN.com actually repeated the joke! Here it is:

Cebull did not write the offensive material, but admitted forwarding the February 20 message to a few friends after it was sent to him by his brother. The Great Falls Tribune newspaper was given a copy and reported the message went:

"Normally I don't send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a bit touching. I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read this. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.

"A little boy said to his mother, 'Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?' His mother replied, 'Don't even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!'"

Thanks to the crack reporting skills and high journalistic integrity of CNN's Bill Mears, millions of people can now enjoy what is being called a joke so offensive that it should cost a federal judge his job. Mears helpfully added this sentence to his story for much-needed context: "Obama is of mixed race."

In other breaking news: Wet.

Awesome thing about this #3: In his apology, Judge Cebull defended his actions thusly: "There's no doubt it's racist.... I didn't send it as racist...I sent it out because it's anti-Obama."

"I didn't kill six million people because they were Jewish.
I killed them because I'm batshit crazy. Quit being so sensitive."

See, when something is offensive on multiple levels, e.g., making fun of mixed-race individuals in general and making fun of the President of the United States for being of mixed race, you get to choose in which way you intended it to be offensive. By the same token, when you are offended or defending those whom you presume to be offended, you get to choose which portion of the offense was actually offensive.

As usual, Opus got it right.

Awesome thing about this #4: While the left is getting all huffy that a Republican judge made fun of a Democratic president, and the right is getting all huffy that the left is refusing to let it characterize a mean-spirited and crude joke as protected speech, everyone is ignoring the real point, which is: Ha-ha, it's funny because it implies that President Obama's late mother had sex with dogs! No one wants Judge Cebull to resign over that. It's much funnier to be horrified by the idea of a white woman procreating with a black man, or by the notion that an educated man in a position of responsibility still enjoys rude humor. Let's give him a pass on implying the President's mom enjoyed a spot of bestiality.

Also hilarious.

Really? Come on, guys, there's an entire slate of Republican Presidential candidates who want to give corporations more rights than women, and you're focusing on a well-respected jurist who forwarded a stupid e-mail...and apologized for it...and is probably relieved no one has mentioned all the other e-mails with dick jokes in them?

That part isn't awesome.

But all the other parts?

Hell yeah.