Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Speak Softly and Slash the F*ck Out of People

Yes, there's a lot going on right now.

The devastation in Southeast Texas from Hurricane Harvey springs immediately to mind. My heart is warmed by the pictures and stories of ordinary people becoming heroes simply by caring enough to help those who are suffering.

Obviously if you're outside Dallas, there are other places to drop off
much-needed donations. Suggestions: feminine hygiene products,
batteries, phone chargers, socks/underwear.
Donald Trump's perfunctory, self-serving response to Harvey also occurs to me. Three tips, Cheeto Von Tweeto: DON'T make public appearances wearing hats for sale on your campaign website, DON'T hold an impromptu rally in front of fire trucks that could be out actually helping people, and DO actually meet with Americans whose lives have been directly affected by the hurricane.

These things, yes.

But I also want to touch on something else happening here in Texas.

In less than 48 hours, a new law takes effect here in the Lone Star State.

Specifically, HB 1935, which allows Texans - for the first time since the last Enrico Morricone spaghetti Western - to openly carry swords, defined as a knife longer than 5.5 inches in length.

As in every other area in life, length matters.

On September 1, this new law takes effect. If you want to channel your inner Jack Sparrow, Errol Flynn, or random dude who stabs people on a college campus, your (pirate) ship is about to come in. You can stick a freaking Bowie knife down the back of your pants like some kind of three-dimensional bro-dude tramp-stamp and roam freely, as is your God- and Greg Abbot-given right. Amen.

Eye patches and zombie repellent are optional. But encouraged.

Depends on your feelings about beautiful, empowered black
women wielding deadly weapons, I guess.
The thing is, on Friday, September 1, 2017, I will - in accordance with the laws of the State of Texas - begin carrying a longsword on my person.

Note the intricate carving, decorative hilt, and stylin' suede accents on the handle. Yo.

I am gonna rock this bad boy everywhere I go (with the exception of schools, churches, and other restricted locations per HB 1935).

Never mind that it's made of plastic and I found it in the trash at my apartment complex.

By no means the first cool thing I've found in the trash in my apartment complex, you guys.

Yes, this is a toy sword. But it's a very, very cool toy sword.

And as of Friday, this bad boy is riding with me.

If I have any interesting encounters as a result, you bet your ass I'll post them.

Sword rights for the win, Drunkards.

And if you have a sword (real or fake) and want to show solidarity, by all means post pictures here.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Y'all.


  1. Yerah, I reminded the boss at work that we needed to update our warning signs if we didn't want people carrying swords into our offices. Our current ones only say, "Hey! Don't carry your guns in here!"

    Who would have guessed we'd need to add swords and machetes to the sign?

    The problem is that there are so few laws regulating weapons here that the legislature is having trouble finding limits to overturn to impress their NRA donors. So we get a law where you can open carry machetes.

  2. In an earlier life when my sci-fi/fantasy geekiness was more real world and less online (because "online" didn't exist and also cue the Brad Paisely song Online) I attended a lot of conventions where people walked around in costumes. There was an explicit rule against wearing swords, daggers, or other stabby things, even plastic, because they would "freak the mundanes".
    Anyway kudos for this bold step allowing Texans to look like they're attending Dungeons & Dragons conventions or members of the Society For Creative Anachonisms.
    Long ago I knew the geeks would inherit the Earth.


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