Showing posts with label Crabs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crabs. Show all posts

Friday, January 4, 2013

I Have a Dream, Bitches

Here’s my dream:

I’m sitting on a beach. I don’t care which beach. All I know is it’s warm, it’s breezy, and there are none of those disgusting sea onions lying around. I hate those things.
 
I'm sure they're not actually called sea onions.
But by any name they make me want to throw up
if I step on them.

But there are lots of hermit crabs scuttling across the sand. Because I like hermit crabs.

I’m in a lounge chair. I’m in the world’s most comfortable lounge chair. I’m looking smoking hot in a bikini

SHUT UP THIS IS MY DREAM OK?

and since this is my dream, maybe the hermit crabs could be singing. Maybe they could be singing old Dr. Hook songs, because I’m really into old Dr. Hook songs right now.
 
Hook, claw, whatever.

Anyway, the sun is shining, the waves are lapping, and I’m slowly baking to a golden brown in my comfy lounge chair. Am I alone? Why no, I am not.

To my left, Johnny Depp is slicing fresh pineapples with a machete and feeding me the pieces. He’s wearing an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and a Speedo. Also, I’m not having the allergic reaction I often have to fresh pineapple where my lips itch and my throat closes up. My dream.

To my right, Hugh Jackman is reading e.e. cummings poems to me. He’s wearing a tuxedo. I just think he looks sexier that way. Oh, and his Wolverine claw is on one hand, so he can gently scratch me when I itch.

I’m drinking fresh pineapple juice…you know, because the pineapples are right there. No alcohol. Are you kidding? I’m on a beach being fawned over by Johnny Depp and Hugh Jackman – could booze make me feel any better? No. No, it could not.

I couldn't find a picture of Johnny Depp in a Speedo,
so you'll have to look at him shirtless. Sorry.

So the day is fine and the crabs are singing “Sylvia’s Mother,” except when I snap my fingers they fall silent. Because the ability to get complete silence on command is every mother’s dream. Then all I can hear are the waves caressing the shore, and the breeze ruffling the palm trees that line the beach, and sound of pelicans making whatever the hell sound pelicans make. There are no seagulls on my dream-beach. Noisy winged vermin, they are.

Maybe I sleep. Without worrying that I should keep one eye open in case someone decides to rifle through my stuff and steal my wallet. No one is going to do that. Because I’ve got Wolverine right here. Also because I didn’t bring a wallet. I have no need of ID here. I’m nameless, blameless, and shameless. Ask Johnny Depp.

Oh, and I can reach down and pick up passing kittens whenever I feel like it. My beach has kittens. Who never, ever use the sand as their litter box.

Pelicans and kittens. Hell, yeah.
 
Eventually I pick up my left-handed Gibson, and of course in my dream I know more than four chords and don’t have to look at the frets for the changes. I improvise a melody; something a little folky, a little jazzy, a little bluesy – in A, why not. Johnny Depp starts to sing, weaving the words of e.e. cummings into the tune. The hermit crabs add harmony. Hugh Jackman strips to his shorts and runs into the ocean, then swims out with smooth, powerful strokes. I don’t know what happens to him after that.

But now I’m alone with Johnny Depp on the beach.

My subconscious is happy to report that he’s a masterful lover. Very tender, and never once digs a knee or elbow into my side. And he smells like toasted coconut.

And marshmallow? Sure, why not?

Afterwards, we’re looking at a spectacular sunset. You know, when we’re not gazing into each other’s eyes. Me and Johnny Depp, who are snuggled together on a lounge chair and it’s not at all cramped and awkward because it’s the most comfortable lounge chair in the world and also magically gets bigger to accommodate me and Johnny Depp.

Just when I think I couldn’t get any happier or more content, he reaches behind his lean, bronzed torso and produces a handful of Snickers Peanut Butter Squared, which he lets fall on my lap. Then with a puff of smoke he transforms into Bestest Friend, and we spend the rest of the evening eating Snickers and pre-sliced pineapple surrounded by kittens and no men.

I never wake up. The end. 

That’s my dream, bitches.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Well, If It Ain't Pincers McGee

It's Friday. It's been a long week. I'm crabby.

Sometimes you most need a hug when you're least likely to get one.

Oh, well. Good thing I have this thick, calcified outer layer to tool around in. Otherwise I might feel vulnerable. AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.  Can we?

I'll be scuttling sideways if you need me.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Feeling Shellfish (See What I Did There?)

Some days you just feel like telling everyone to leave you the f*&%! alone. The danger is that everyone will take you at your word.


But what are you going to do? Any little kid will tell you that she understands perfectly well that the Bactine will make the skinned knee feel better. But first it will sting like a bitch for about five seconds, and those five seconds of agony MUST BE AVOIDED AT ANY COST. It's hard to take the long view when you're staring down a bottle of Bactine.

That's why some days, even though the last - the very last - thing you need is to be left alone to your own reckless thoughts and irrational feelings, you will tell everyone to leave you the f*&%! alone.  Because you totally mean it. You'll find the damn bottle of Bactine yourself later. And bitch about how you have to squirt it on all by yourself because no one is there to help. Because you told everyone to leave you the f*&%! alone. Which you totally meant at that moment.

I'm in my shell right now. But my pincers are ready to go. To keep away the predators, the haters, the evildoers, and of course the people who love me and want to help. Because it's all or nothing inside the shell.

Go feast on someone else's tender flesh. Crab is off the menu today.

Maybe tomorrow...if you're still here.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A (Rather Horrifying) Fairy Tale (Which Is Why I Like It)

I came across this Japanese fairy tale, and I had to share. Because it features a well-meaning crab, an evil unrepentant monkey, and horrible, sweet revenge. Which makes it just about the perfect story, although I'm not sure why anyone would tell it to a child, except perhaps some in the business of making commissions for referrals to psychotherapists. Seriously, this story is messed up. In a charming, Japanese way. 

And there's probably some kind of political analogy here, too. Like Democrats Republicans Tea Partiers Liberals someone you don't like is ruining the country with their profligate rabble-rousing tax-and-spend intolerant interventionist  agenda. I'm sure you'll see something if you squint hard enough.

Anyway, enjoy the story of The Quarrel of the Monkey and the Crab.



Long, long ago, one bright autumn day in Japan, it happened, that a pink-faced monkey and a yellow crab were playing together along the bank of a river. As they were running about, the crab found a rice-dumpling and the monkey a persimmon-seed.

The crab picked up the rice-dumpling and showed it to the monkey, saying:

"Look what a nice thing I have found!"

Then the monkey held up his persimmon-seed and said:

"I also have found something good! Look!"

Now though the monkey is always very fond of persimmon fruit, he had no use for the seed he had just found. The persimmon-seed is as hard and uneatable as a stone. He, therefore, in his greedy nature, felt very envious of the crab's nice dumpling, and he proposed an exchange. The crab naturally did not see why he should give up his prize for a hard stone-like seed, and would not consent to the monkey's proposition.

Then the cunning monkey began to persuade the crab, saying:

"How unwise you are not to think of the future! Your rice-dumpling can be eaten now, and is certainly much bigger than my seed; but if you sow this seed in the ground it will soon grow and become a great tree in a few years, and bear an abundance of fine ripe persimmons year after year. If only I could show it to you then with the yellow fruit hanging on its branches! Of course, if you don't believe me I shall sow it myself; though I am sure, later on, you will be very sorry that you did not take my advice."

The simple-minded crab could not resist the monkey's clever persuasion. He at last gave in and consented to the monkey's proposal, and the exchange was made. The greedy monkey soon gobbled up the dumpling, and with great reluctance gave up the persimmon-seed to the crab. He would have liked to keep that too, but he was afraid of making the crab angry and of being pinched by his sharp scissor-like claws. They then separated, the monkey going home to his forest trees and the crab to his stones along the river-side. As soon as the crab reached home he put the persimmon-seed in the ground as the monkey had told him.

In the following spring the crab was delighted to see the shoot of a young tree push its way up through the ground. Each year it grew bigger, till at last it blossomed one spring, and in the following autumn bore some fine large persimmons. Among the broad smooth green leaves the fruit hung like golden balls, and as they ripened they mellowed to a deep orange. It was the little crab's pleasure to go out day by day and sit in the sun and put out his long eyes in the same way as a snail puts out its horn, and watch the persimmons ripening to perfection.

"How delicious they will be to eat!" he said to himself.

At last, one day, he knew the persimmons must be quite ripe and he wanted very much to taste one. He made several attempts to climb the tree, in the vain hope of reaching one of the beautiful persimmons hanging above him; but he failed each time, for a crab's legs are not made for climbing trees but only for running along the ground and over stones, both of which he can do most cleverly. In his dilemma he thought of his old playmate the monkey, who, he knew, could climb trees better than anyone else in the world. He determined to ask the monkey to help him, and set out to find him.

Running crab-fashion up the stony river bank, over the pathways into the shadowy forest, the crab at last found the monkey taking an afternoon nap in his favorite pine-tree, with his tail curled tight around a branch to prevent him from falling off in his dreams. He was soon wide awake, however, when he heard himself called, and eagerly listening to what the crab told him. When he heard that the seed which he had long ago exchanged for a rice-dumpling had grown into a tree and was now bearing good fruit, he was delighted, for he at once devised a cunning plan which would give him all the persimmons for himself.

He consented to go with the crab to pick the fruit for him. When they both reached the spot, the monkey was astonished to see what a fine tree had sprung from the seed, and with what a number of ripe persimmons the branches were loaded.

He quickly climbed the tree and began to pluck and eat, as fast as he could, one persimmon after another. Each time he chose the best and ripest he could find, and went on eating till he could eat no more. Not one would he give to the poor hungry crab waiting below, and when he had finished there was little but the hard, unripe fruit left.

You can imagine the feelings of the poor crab after waiting patiently, for so long as he had done, for the tree to grow and the fruit to ripen, when he saw the monkey devouring all the good persimmons. He was so disappointed that he ran round and round the tree calling to the monkey to remember his promise. The monkey at first took no notice of the crab's complaints, but at last he picked out the hardest, greenest persimmon he could find and aimed it at the crab's head. The persimmon is as hard as stone when it is unripe. The monkey's missile struck home and the crab was sorely hurt by the blow. Again and again, as fast as he could pick them, the monkey pulled off the hard persimmons and threw them at the defenseless crab till he dropped dead, covered with wounds all over his body. There he lay a pitiful sight at the foot of the tree he had himself planted.

When the wicked monkey saw that he had killed the crab he ran away from the spot as fast as he could, in fear and trembling, like a coward as he was.

Now the crab had a son who had been playing with a friend not far from the spot where this sad work had taken place. On the way home he came across his father dead, in a most dreadful condition - his head was smashed and his shell broken in several places, and around his body lay the unripe persimmons which had done their deadly work. At this dreadful sight the poor young crab sat down and wept.

But when he had wept for some time he told himself that this crying would do no good; it was his duty to avenge his father's murder, and this he determined to do. He looked about for some clue which would lead him to discover the murderer. Looking up at the tree he noticed that the best fruit had gone, and that all around lay bits of peel and numerous seeds strewn on the ground as well as the unripe persimmons which had evidently been thrown at his father. Then he understood that the monkey was the murderer, for he now remembered that his father had once told him the story of the rice-dumpling and the persimmon-seed. The young crab knew that monkeys liked persimmons above all other fruit, and he felt sure that his greed for the coveted fruit had been the cause of the old crab's death. Alas!

He at first thought of going to attack the monkey at once, for he burned with rage. Second thoughts, however, told him that this was useless, for the monkey was an old and cunning animal and would be hard to overcome. He must meet cunning with cunning and ask some of his friends to help him, for he knew it would be quite out of his power to kill him alone.

The young crab set out at once to call on the mortar, his father's old friend, and told him of all that had happened. He besought the mortar with tears to help him avenge his father's death. The mortar was very sorry when he heard the woful tale and promised at once to help the young crab punish the monkey to death. He warned him that he must be very careful in what he did, for the monkey was a strong and cunning enemy. The mortar now sent to fetch the bee and the chestnut (also the crab's old friends) to consult them about the matter. In a short time the bee and the chestnut arrived. When they were told all the details of the old crab's death and of the monkey's wickedness and greed, they both gladly consented to help the young crab in his revenge.

After talking for a long time as to the ways and means of carrying out their plans they separated, and Mr. Mortar went home with the young crab to help him bury his poor father.

While all this was taking place the monkey was congratulating himself (as the wicked often do before their punishment comes upon them) on all he had done so neatly. He thought it quite a fine thing that he had robbed his friend of all his ripe persimmons and then that he had killed him. Still, smile as hard as he might, he could not banish altogether the fear of the consequences should his evil deeds be discovered. IF he were found out (and he told himself that this could not be for he had escaped unseen) the crab's family would be sure to bear him hatred and seek to take revenge on him. So he would not go out, and kept himself at home for several days. He found this kind of life, however, extremely dull, accustomed as he was to the free life of the woods, and at last he said:

"No one knows that it was I who killed the crab! I am sure that the old thing breathed his last before I left him. Dead crabs have no mouths! Who is there to tell that I am the murderer? Since no one knows, what is the use of shutting myself up and brooding over the matter? What is done cannot be undone!"

With this he wandered out into the crab settlement and crept about as slyly as possible near the crab's house and tried to hear the neighbors' gossip round about. He wanted to find out what the crabs were saying about their chief's death, for the old crab had been the chief of the tribe. But he heard nothing and said to himself:

"They are all such fools that they don't know and don't care who murdered their chief!"

Little did he know in his so-called "monkey's wisdom" that this seeming unconcern was part of the young crab's plan. He purposely pretended not to know who killed his father, and also to believe that he had met his death through his own fault. By this means he could the better keep secret the revenge on the monkey, which he was meditating.

So the monkey returned home from his walk quite content. He told himself he had nothing now to fear.

One fine day, when the monkey was sitting at home, he was surprised by the appearance of a messenger from the young crab. While he was wondering what this might mean, the messenger bowed before him and said:

"I have been sent by my master to inform you that his father died the other day in falling from a persimmon tree while trying to climb the tree after fruit. This, being the seventh day, is the first anniversary after his death, and my master has prepared a little festival in his father's honor, and bids you come to participate in it as you were one of his best friends. My master hopes you will honor his house with your kind visit."

When the monkey heard these words he rejoiced in his inmost heart, for all his fears of being suspected were now at rest. He could not guess that a plot had just been set in motion against him. He pretended to be very surprised at the news of the crab's death, and said:

"I am, indeed, very sorry to hear of your chief's death. We were great friends as you know. I remember that we once exchanged a rice- dumpling for a persimmon-seed. It grieves me much to think that that seed was in the end the cause of his death. I accept your kind invitation with many thanks. I shall be delighted to do honor to my poor old friend!" And he screwed some false tears from his eyes.

The messenger laughed inwardly and thought, "The wicked monkey is now dropping false tears, but within a short time he shall shed real ones." But aloud he thanked the monkey politely and went home.

When he had gone, the wicked monkey laughed aloud at what he thought was the young crab's innocence, and without the least feeling began to look forward to the feast to be held that day in honor of the dead crab, to which he had been invited. He changed his dress and set out solemnly to visit the young crab.

He found all the members of the crab's family and his relatives waiting to receive and welcome him. As soon as the bows of meeting were over they led him to a hall. Here the young chief mourner came to receive him. Expressions of condolence and thanks were exchanged between them, and then they all sat down to a luxurious feast and entertained the monkey as the guest of honor.

The feast over, he was next invited to the tea-ceremony room to drink a cup of tea. When the young crab had conducted the monkey to the tearoom he left him and retired. Time passed and still he did not return. At last the monkey became impatient. He said to himself:

"This tea ceremony is always a very slow affair. I am tired of waiting so long. I am very thirsty after drinking so much sake at the dinner!"

He then approached the charcoal fire-place and began to pour out some hot water from the kettle boiling there, when something burst out from the ashes with a great pop and hit the monkey right in the neck. It was the chestnut, one of the crab's friends, who had hidden himself in the fireplace. The monkey, taken by surprise, jumped backward, and then started to run out of the room.

The bee, who was hiding outside the screens, now flew out and stung him on the cheek. The monkey was in great pain, his neck was burned by the chestnut and his face badly stung by the bee, but he ran on screaming and chattering with rage.

Now the stone mortar had hidden himself with several other stones on the top of the crab's gate, and as the monkey ran underneath, the mortar and all fell down on the top of the monkey's head. Was it possible for the monkey to bear the weight of the mortar falling on him from the top of the gate? He lay crushed and in great pain, quite unable to get up. As he lay there helpless the young crab came up, and, holding his great claw scissors over the monkey, he said:

"Do you now remember that you murdered my father?"

"Then you--are--my--enemy?" gasped the monkey brokenly.

"Of course," said the young crab.

"It--was--your--father's--fault--not--mine!" gasped the unrepentant monkey.

"Can you still lie? I will soon put an end to your breath!" and with that he cut off the monkey's head with his pincer claws. Thus the wicked monkey met his well-merited punishment, and the young crab avenged his father's death.

This is the end of the story of the monkey, the crab, and the persimmon-seed.

(from Japanese Fairy Tales, compiled by Yei Theodora Ozaki)

Friday, December 16, 2011

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Second Item on My Christmas List

So the first item on my Christmas list was, of course, hand-painted monkey art. Who wouldn't want that?

Really? I'm the only one?

Huh.

Anyway, at $450 a pop, I'm not expecting a huge pile of singerie canvases under my tree. The second item on my list is much more modestly priced, although I don't expect to get it, either, for a different reason. More on that in a moment.

The second item is a pair of hermit crabs.
Like this, only, you know, two of them.
I love hermit crabs. They have hermit in their name, so I can relate to them. Although they're actually quite sociable and very good company, which makes them better people than some people I know. Like me.

I always identified with the Once-ler.
 I went through a real hermit crab phase for a while. I had a bunch of them in succession. Because, you know, they tend to die. Even though this website says that they can live up to 20 years, I don't think I ever had one that came within, say, 19 years of that mark. It could be I was a terrible hermit-crab mama. Hey, I gave them food and baths and played with them when I thought about it. PDaughter has received the same standard of care, and she's made it all the way to 12. So I'm calling bullshit on the website and/or claiming I had a defective batch of crabs.

Defective Batch of Crabs = great band name.

I remember all my crabs fondly. There was Carson, and Reno, and Truckee, and Barstow, and Bakersfield, and Sedona, and Sonoma, and Hawthorne. They were great guys. Maybe some of them were girls, but I never did learn what hermit crab genitalia looked like and I wasn't about to look too closely. Pincers, you know. A couple of my crabs were really pinchy types. Did you know that if a hermit crab pinches the soft skin on your palm, and you yell and drop it on the floor, it won't get hurt? But it will remember how you treated it the next time you expose the soft skin of your palm to it.

Um, yeah. Respect, dude.
 I personally find hermit crabs adorable. I love their eye stalks, their multiple segmented legs, the way they scuttle about. Seriously. And pinching aside, they have pretty lovable personalities. Hey, they give at least as much affection as some cats I've known, and they have a lot less attitude.

I don't know the story behind this picture,
but I'll bet it ended awesomely.
 Hermit crabs do better in pairs. I'm not sure why, because apparently it's nearly impossible to get them to mate in captivity. Maybe they don't know what crab genitalia look like, either. But mine always seemed happiest when they had a buddy in the crabitat with them. And yes, two crabs living together will have distinct personalities. One of my pairs used to enjoy swapping shells to see if I'd notice. As if I couldn't tell my babies apart. All you have to do is look deep into their eye stalks.

My last hermie went to crab heaven a few years ago, and I haven't had any since. That's because after it died, Beloved Spouse banned them from the house in perpetuity. He feels a certain animosity toward hermit crabs. Actually, he finds them horrifying and disgusting and can't stand being in the same room with them.

Everything I love about hermit crabs, BelSpouse hates. And so I've had to put my lovingly crafted crabitat (complete with heater and little plastic palm trees) in the garage and remain bereft of my hard-shelled friends. I submitted to spousal authority on this score because at the time I was mourning the loss of my latest crab and was admittedly a bit fatigued of loving and losing the little bastards over and over. Eventually you do start to wonder if you might be to blame when you find a exoskeletal corpse where there used to be a vibrant, playful crustacean. Fun fact: if you have more than one hermit crab and one of them dies, don't remove the body, because the others will eat it to strengthen their own chitinous skeleton!

It looks something like this, only less salty.
 Anyway, hermit crabs are a rare and precious commodity because they've been denied to me. Therefore, I want some. So they're on the list. I do hope to hear the scuttling of little feet under the tree this Christmas. But BelSpouse will probably just buy me jewelry or books or something. It's just not the same. I wonder if they make crab-shaped earrings. Yes, I would take that. Compromise is what marriage is all about. Compromise, and occasionally making a sincere effort not to creep out your husband.

Excellent.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. Makes Me Less Crabby

It's another crabby Friday for me, my friends.


I don't know why. I just am. It'll pass. But until it does, I'd better put something happy here.

Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr., Season 6 winner of "America's Got Talent," you make me so damn happy.

I'll be back later, when I can be as awesome as he is. That might take a while. I'll be back when I'm 15% less crabby, how's that?

Friday, August 5, 2011

One of Those Days

I weighed myself this morning to find I had gained three pounds despite healthy eating and daily exercise.

I dropped my phone and cracked the screen.

I found three crises waiting for me at work, one of which was caused by my failure to correct an error I spent more than an hour trying to correct yesterday.

I had to drop a wad of cash on medical bills from Beloved Spouse's surgery in May.

I got a letter from the city saying the grass along my fence in the alley is too long and I need to cut it or face a citation. (I admit, I haven't cut it during our streak of 100+ degree days, which currently stands at 34. On the other hand, during that streak, the grass has grown less than an inch a week. You do the math.)

In case you didn't read closely, it's been 100+ degrees for 34 days in a row. I walked the dog at 9:30 last night. It was full dark and still 103 degrees.

My personal e-mail got hacked (again) and started sending random messages about Viagra and car parts to all my contacts.

It's one of those days.

On the other hand:

My measurements haven't changed, so the weight gain is probably water and, uh, backup.

My phone still works, and the crack is at the very top of the screen and doesn't obscure the view.

The crises were averted.

I have excellent health insurance, which so many people don't, and can afford to pay what it didn't cover (at least in installments).

The grass will take five minutes to cut - and it won't grow back until it rains and/or gets cooler. Sometime next year, I figure.

We replaced our air conditioner last year, and it's doing a great job keeping the house cool during the ridiculous heat.

I don't know how to put a positive spin on the e-mail thing, except that most of my friends aren't dumb enough to think I'm actually trying to sell them Viagra. If I were going to spam my friends, I'd do it with adorable pictures of baby sloths.

cute baby animals - Holding On for D'awwww Life

see more Daily Squee

It's called looking on the bright side. Pincers McGee wouldn't recognize me.


Don't worry, I'll find something to rant about later. My cheeks are already getting sore from this fake smile. 


I don't know how you happy people do it.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Famous Crabs

Sebastian from The Little Mermaid


Crabby from the comic strip "Mutts"

Mr. Krabs from "SpongeBob SquarePants"


Zoidberg from "Futurama" (uh, maybe)


Hawthorne the Hermit Crab from the comic strip "Sherman's Lagoon"


Pincers McGee from "Always Drunk"


AND MEEEEEEE! I'M CRABBY!

I want a lemon poppyseed muffin, a Canfield's Diet Chocolate Soda, and a DVD of Oliver!, stat.

Thank God it's Friday, or I'd be busting out of my exoskeleton right now.

And an exoskeleton. I want one of those. A couple of pincers, too. I know some people who need a good pincing.

That's a thing of beauty, that is.
Crabby people of the world, unite.
Meh.