Texans, Here's Your Chance to Not Be Dale Hansen. Snap It Up.

Tonight's blog is mostly for my fellow Texans.

Honestly, I can't call myself a Texan
without LOLing, but you know what I mean.

Precocious Daughter and I voted today. Early voting for the midterms only started yesterday, but already turnout has been insane. It's the same all over the country. Almost as if there's a sense of urgency about what's happening in the USA and what will happen over the next two years.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

PDaughter and I proudly, happily voted straight-ticket Democrat. Secret ballot, shmecret shmallot. No one who knows either of us has any doubt how we voted. And we are Team Beto 352%

Ohhhhh Rourke.

I don't want to turn this into an ugly political post. My views are my views, your views may be different. This is no time to talk about how awful I think most of the Republican candidates are. Instead I'd like to point out how much I admire the Democrats who are running for various national, state and local offices.

You see the difference, don't you?

Fellow living-in-Texas people: I urge you to vote, passionately. Don't sit this one out. You know where I stand, and if you were to ask me, I would dance the Beto/Lupe/Collier dance all up in here. But the important thing is that. You. Vote.

One other note: Even if you don't live in Texas, you may know who Dale Hansen is.

The largest sportscaster in Texas.

Over the past couple of years, he's become nationally known for his Dale Hansen: Unplugged segments on WFAA-TV. He's expounded on all kinds of subjects, from the First Amendment to "taking a knee." Those videos have received a lot of play, and a lot of respect, for their practical, straight-talk approach to hot-button issues.

Well, Dale's latest segment aired yesterday. His topic was the same as mine: The importance of voting. But unlike me, Dale's lead was that he'd just voted...for the first time in 46 years.

WTAF.

For someone who makes his living expounding, pontificating, and just plain loudly proclaiming his opinion, the revelation that he hasn't bothered to express himself at the polls since 1972 is astounding. And infuriating.

Here's my message for Dale: How dare you.

How dare you not set an example for your kids to participate in democracy?

How dare you huff and puff and not lift a finger to effect change in your state and your country?

You, sir, are a hypocrite, even as you smugly declare that "everyone has a voice" while literally not using yours in the only place that matters.

Texans: Vote. Not because some local hack journalist in a loud sportscoat says it's OK, but because despite what he says, it IS your civic obligation. It IS your voice. And it IS important.

I would prefer you vote Democrat. But I would definitely prefer you vote for whoever you believe in than not vote at all.

As Colin Kaepernick would say...Just Do It.

Democracy Rocks

Yesterday Precocious Daughter and I voted in the Texas Democratic primary.

Her first time voting.

She was way excited, and frankly, so was I.

It was early voting, which was great, because although every voting machine was in use when we got to the polling place, there was no line. The lady who checked PDaughter's ID obviously noticed her birthdate and asked if it was her first time to vote. When PDaughter answered in the affirmative, all the poll workers turned toward her and applauded. That was nice.

Outside the local library, which was our early-voting location, we got to meet the candidate for state representative for whom we planned to vote. It turned out we have a mutual friend in a district judge who is up for re-election, so we had a very nice chat. We also got to meet our local precinct chairman, a very nice man who welcomed us and thanked us for voting.

My wonderful, smart, nerdy child was awestruck by the entire experience. She was so proud to have voted. And I was so proud to see how proud she was.

Just pride all over the damn place.

his morning I mentioned to a co-worker that PDaughter had voted for the first time (he also has a daughter who just turned 18). And he confessed to me - literally in a whisper - that he has never voted in his entire life.

This man is in his late 40s. He has multiple degrees and is actually working toward another one right now. And he's never once voted in a single election at any level.

I am Joey at this moment.

Let me tell you a little secret. When I was married, my ex and I voted in the major elections...you know, President, statewide elections, midterms, that sort of thing. But I rarely voted in primaries, and I never voted in local elections. Because it wasn't a priority for him, and so it wasn't a priority for me.

This is what can happen when you allow yourself to be absorbed by your spouse.

Since I've been single, I've voted in every election. I've made myself research candidates for even the most minor of elected offices. Dammit, they're not minor until you realize that no one cares about them. I've come to realize that my voice may be small, but it's freaking powerful if I make the effort to speak up.

Making the effort is the best.

Never stop making an effort, Drunkards.

So I vote. And I make sure PDaughter knows I've voted, whenever and wherever it occurs.

And that's why my remarkable child and I just voted in the Texas Democratic primary together.

For the record: Beto O'Rourke for U.S. Senator. Because he's the best.

In addition to being smart, compassionate,
and qualified, he's way easier on the eyes
than Ted Cruz.

Voting is freedom. Voting is independence. Voting is being fully American.

Honestly, not voting is a major turn-off for me. Voting is sexy af.

I've raised a voter. That makes me happy.

Please vote, you guys. It's our shot at being part of history.

Why would you want to pass on that shot?

Casa Baudelaire votes Democrat. But you vote you.

Voting rocks.

I Call This...Penguexit. Sure, Why Not.

Earlier today, my sister-from-another-mister and fellow blogger The Jeneral did the world a favor and posted her IRL Tinder profile on Facebook:

If I were not in a committed relationship and also a dude, I would totally swipe that in whatever direction you swipe when you dig someone on Tinder. Up? Down? Honestly, if I were not in a committed relationship I would be scared to death to sign up for Tinder because I got more than enough rejection in middle and high school to last a lifetime, thank you very much.

But I digress.

Obviously The Jeneral has an awesome Tinder profile. She's an awesome human, what do you expect? Or so I thought, until one small detail jumped out at me and punched me in the solar plexus aka the actual physical feels:

Dislikes penguins? Really?

Is that even something rational humans are capable of? Of which rational humans are capable?

Whatever.

LOOK AT THIS SWEETHEART OF THE ANTARCTIC.

*dying*

Anyway, I got into a spirited debate with one of The Jeneral's FB friends on the topic of penguins. Epithets were not hurled, but only because The Jeneral's FB friends (myself included) are classy af. But the message was clear: We did not and would not agree on the subject of penguins' absolute domination of the Most Kick-Ass Animal on the Planet category.

COME ON, PEOPLE.

Eventually I declared that the debate would have to be settled by my very own Drunkards, who represent a completely heterogeneous slice of society and not simply weird social media-addicted outcasts who revel in the Schadenfreude that is reading this blog.

Are you mofos even ready for that kind of responsibility?

Gunther wants to know.

Ready or not, I created a poll. It's very simple: Pro-penguin, or pro-no-joy-in-life-and-probably-also-eats-babies? Please vote below. It takes like literally two seconds. Vote, and I'll let you know what happens.

Whether the results are yay or nay, I'll rant about them in this space very soon.

<subliminal message>Vote pro-penguin and I'll send you a million Internet dollars.</subliminal message>

Thank you for your support.

Penguins: For or Against?

Penguins ROCK!

Ugh, flightless bastards.

I have no particular opinion on penguins and am therefore a waste of atoms.

Do Riddles

... ... ... My President?

Here's a positive thought:

I now empathize with those who thought for the last eight years that America had an unqualified, illegitimate, toxic President.

Ever since January 2009, I'd wondered how any citizen in their right mind could harbor such bilious ill will against a democratically elected President. How seemingly rational people could simply refuse to accept, or even tolerate, that a candidate for whom they hadn't personally voted was the leader of the free world.

How the most innocuous words or actions could be twisted by his opponents into something contemptuous and derisible.

How every positive spin issued by his administration could be interpreted as blatant lies and hypocrisy.

But now I understand.

The current President of the United States won the Electoral College vote, the only measure of a candidate's victory per the Constitution.

And while I may believe with all my heart that the current President of the United States is a corrupt, inept, unremittingly oligarchic puppet of special interests, it doesn't change that he is what was elected to lead our nation for the next four years...assuming he isn't assassinated or impeached.

I  get it.

I reserve the right to assert my loyalty to my flag, my country, and my government.

While simultaneously reserving the right to protest the bullshit occupant of the White House as an incompetent narcissist moron.

Because this is still America, even post-Obama. Right?

Suck it, conservatives. You've been asking for this since 2008.

Man/woman up and advocate for America. Not for billionaires in #MAGA trucker caps. Not for our most cynical political operatives.

Let's try to be grown-up Americans for once, OK?

Like or comment if you agree.

Even if you don't, this is my truth. And I'm willing to post it here.