Chuck and Chuck's Principles for Life

Precocious Daughter gave me a whole stack of bookmarks featuring Chuck Norris' Principles for Life.

Starring Chuck Norris.

My child knows me so well.

Chuck Norris, of course, is the founder, sponsor, and spirit animal of PDaughter's karate organization. And the reason I willingly drag myself to whatever corner of Texas is holding the state karate tournament each year. Because I can't miss my yearly opportunity to yell "Hi Chuck!"

This is as close as I am legally and ethically allowed
to get to Chuck Norris.

Anyway, PDaughter's karate instructor happened to have a stack of these bookmarks sitting around, and she snagged them for me because she is wonderfully tolerant of my Chuck obsession, as long as I stop short of actually inspiring a restraining order.

So I'm reading through Chuck's Principles for Life - as one does - and I realized a couple of things.

One is that, if Chuck is true to his words on this bookmark, then he essentially is Jesus in black pajamas.

Second is that there is no way Chuck can be true to his words. Human beings were not created to be this perfect.

Mostly we are made of derp.

I know that Chuck has an image to protect, a persona to project. And I'm willing to cut him plenty of slack when it comes to his bookmark o' principles. If I were Chuck, I would pretend to live my live this way, too.

But I don't.

So if you admire the icon that is Chuck Norris but despair of ever approaching his level of Chuckness, then I've got good news.

I've created some alternate principles for life for the rest of us. They parallel Chuck's principles, but they're a tad bit more accessible to those of us who don't reach the pinnacle of Mt. St. Walker Texas Ranger.

In the following list, Chuck Norris' Principles for Life are in bold, and Chuck Baudelaire's Principles for At Least Not Failing are below.

Mix and match, if you feel so bold.

Chuck's (and Chuck's) Principles for Life

I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.

I will remember that crushing, humiliating failure means I at least tried

I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.

I will rewrite my personal history as often as necessary, or at least until the new version starts showing up on Google.

I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.

I will endeavor not to physically attack people who smile at me before I've had my coffee.

I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family and acknowledge that no other success can compensate for failure in the home.

I will love the children I had with the spouse I divorced, the child I had out of wedlock, and the kids I had with my second wife, and will consider it a win if I do. 

I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.

I will wish nothing but the best for the sister-in-law who shunned me after I separated from my spouse and who has now decided she'd rather have sex with women than with her unfaithful husband.

If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.

If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will write a blog post.

I will always give so much time to the improvement of myself that I will have no time to criticize others.

As long as vodka counts as self-improvement.

I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

I will swallow my envy and resentment of successful people until it appears that I am just thrilled for them.

I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness toward another person's viewpoint while still holding fast to what I know to be true and honest.

I will never, ever subscribe to that "love the sinner, hate the sin" bullshit. Being a judgmental hypocrite is a way worse sin than anything one can do by being true to oneself.

I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all times.

Unless those in authority act like assholes. Then all bets are off.

I will always remain loyal to my God, my country, family and my friends.

I will remain to loyal to people and entities whose actions inspire loyalty. I won't defend anyone for being a shithead.

I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country and myself.

I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life despite what my family or my country thinks, and I will rise above my own doubts so that I can transcend the arbitrary opinions of others.

The thing about principles is that we can create our own, and as long as we live by them, no one can call us a failure.

Right?

Kickin'

I told you yesterday would be a 20-hour day. And so it was.

Well, it was for me. For Precocious Daughter, it was a 24-hour day. She got up at 2:00 a.m. Saturday and went to bed at 2:00 a.m. Sunday.

Just thinking about it.

But Karate Tournament 2015 was awesome. Her whole team did a great job, snagging several first-place finishes. PDaughter herself placed 4th in both her events, which makes me very proud, as the competition was so, so fierce.

Chuck was there, guys!!

It's a pretty terrible picture. But look, it's totally Chuck.

This weekend, I learned that I'm too goddamned old to sit on plastic high-school bleachers for seven hours. My lower back is killing me.

Still, completely worth it.

I also learned that I can still spend a day with PDaughter's dad and have a good time. Also, that I can spend a day with PDaughter's dad and realize we're done.

And it's OK.

My kid took a wicked kick to the face yesterday that turned her skin beet-red and knocked one of her contact lenses back into her eyeball. She took it with a smile and gave her opponent a big hug after the match.

I love her so much.

Today was pretty much a recovery day, you know?

I hope your weekend was as good as mine.

In Short

Here comes a really quick post, and only because I didn't post last night.

That's because a giant fly flew into my ointment.

I'll get him out, don't you worry.
Just be kind of messy, is all.

I won't be posting tomorrow, either. I'm looking down the barrel of a 20-hour day for Precocious Daughter's state karate tournament, which this year is being held in Outer Wherethefuckisthat, Texas. On the plus side, Mr. Chuck Norris may be there! I'll let you know. Hey, speaking of that, here's last year's karate tournament post.

Anyway, I didn't want you think I'd forsaken my 12 loyal readers, so here I am.

Hello, hello.

If I have a few minutes I'll schedule a few posts to run on my Facebook page and Twitter feed tomorrow. You know, the kind of quality wit and graphical humor you've come to love and expect from the Always Drunk brand.

I couldn't keep a straight face, either.

So that's today's post. Hugs, kisses, etc.

So Chuck and Yet So Far

I saw Chuck Norris yesterday.

He came to Precocious Daughter's karate tournament. I mean, he came to see his own daughter, who is an 11-year-old black belt, if you can dig that. But he was there watching his kid, just as I was there watching my kid. So we were united in purpose.

And we were breathing the same air and listening to the same music blaring over the P.A. For all intents and purposes we were one.

Except that I spent the day sitting in cramped, uncomfortable bleachers, and Chuck stood on the competition floor, looking exactly like this:

For hours and hours as the competition went on, Chuck watched over the proceedings like the badass he is.

Any kid who approached him for a picture after winning a trophy, Chuck obliged.

PDaughter, unfortunately, didn't place in any of her events. She did a great job, but the competition was really fierce. Everyone put up their best performance because Master Norris was there.

Also, parents weren't allowed to get anywhere near him. So I didn't get to actually meet him. (Did I yell "Hi, Chuck!"? You bet your bippy I did.)

So I've had to create this artist's rendering of what a picture of Chuck and me would have looked like. It's for Chuck's benefit, really. I feel bad that he missed out.

Such a perfect likeness.

Chuck, if you're reading this...I drove all the way to Bryan, Texas for you. I left civilization and drove past approximately 168,000 cows to be with you. And to watch PDaughter compete, of course. But this was your chance. For me, it was totally worth it to watch you in action.

Shown here: Action.

I'm sorry we didn't have a chance to get to know one another. You would have loved me. Ah, well. There will be other tournaments. We may yet have our moment. Chuck Norris and the crazy lady who yells "Hi, Chuck!" every time you show up. Until we meet again...take solace in your wealth, fame, reputation, social standing, and hot wife.

Be strong.

The Road to Chuckville

Tomorrow is Precocious Daughter's statewide karate tournament. It's in beautiful Bryan Texas, just a hop, skip, and a jump from Texas A&M University. About which I give not a shit, but maybe I'll get some extra hits from people Googling "Aggies."

Also, here's an adorable picture of their mascot, Reveille.
Who's a good doggie?

The best part about going to the tournament is that it teaches children from across Texas to compete in a spirit of fairness and excellence.

Hahaha, no, of course not. The best part is that CHUCK NORRIS WILL BE THERE.

He's already been here.

Regular readers know all about my love-stalk relationship with Master Norris. And this is my chance. I want to shake Chuck's hand. I want to get his autograph. I want to run my nose through this beard.

That's why my motto for the tournament is "Meet Chuck or Get Arrested Trying 2014."

By Chuck Norris, of course.

But I don't have much time, and I need your help. I need a perfect opening line to ingratiate myself to Chuck Norris, to let him know how I much I respect and admire him, how much I want to clone him from his fingernails, and most of all how I'm totally not an insane person who should be escorted from the venue by his goons and/or the police.

So I've been working on some ideas. Let me know which one(s) I should try.

Potential Greetings to Chuck Norris on the Occasion of Meeting Him Totally in My Capacity as the Mother of a Defending State Champion and Not Some Nutcase Blogger/Fangirl

1. "Hello, Mr. Norris. It's a pleasure to meet you. May I please have the honor of putting my tongue in your ear?"

2. "Can I take a selfie of you kicking me in the face?"

3. "I have a 10th degree black in being completely obsessed with you."

4. (If his wife is nearby) "Hey Chuck, why don't you give your daughter there 20 bucks and tell her to go buy a t-shirt while the grown-ups talk?"

5. "I'm a huge fan. I've seen all of your memes."

6. "I've got a great idea for a new TV show. It's called 'Walker, Texas Ranger.' You star as a lawman who still catches bad guys even though you have to use a walker to get around."

7. "Is that your real hair? Is that your real beard? Are those your real pecs? I can keep moving down as long as you like."

8. "Chuck! Chuckchuckchuckchuckchuck! CHUUUUUUUUCK!

9. If I lie between two cinderblocks, will you break me in half like a board?"

10. "Hey Chuck - let's fuck."

Also, wish PDaughter and all of her Kickstart Kids classmates on a successful tournament. I hope to see them all do well before I'm dragged kicking and screaming out of the gym.