Friday, February 3, 2012

Eight Cool Things About Octopuses

There's so much going on in the world right now. The Komen Foundation has reversed its boneheaded, politically-motivated decision to defund Planned Parenthood. Israel is planning to attack Iran over its nuclear capabilities. Michelle Obama is doing pushups on "Ellen."

It's all kind of overwhelming.

So instead of commenting on any of those things, I'm going to write about octopuses.

Do you know all the parts of an octopus?
Well, DO YOU?
The octopus is one badass cephalopod mollusc. They're intelligent, sophisticated, powerful creatures who probably would never deny underserved women access to breast cancer screenings because of pressure from short-sighted right-wing idealogues. Not according to my research, anyway.

But octopuses (not "octopi," a common misconception based on the incorrect assumption that "octopus" is a second declension Latin noun - au contraire, tentacle breath) have some amazing talents. I'm going to share eight of them with you, one for each arm, although recent scholarship suggests that two of the tentacles might be more accurately classified as legs based on structure and usage.

See, you can be a geek about anything. Here we go.

1. Octopuses can predict the outcome of professional sporting events.

RIP, Paul the Octopus.
2. Octopuses can totally kill and eat sharks.

Mega-shark vs. Giant Octopus? Not even a contest.
3. Octopuses are wicked cute when they're tiny babies.

I would so pay a quarter to get one of these out of a gumball machine.
4. Octopuses can do the Rubik's Cube.

Full disclosure: They rarely actually get more than four sides.
(And yes, that is a real photograph of a 'pus working a Rubik's Cube.)
5. Octopuses know how not to be seen...

There is totally an octopus smack dab in the middle of this picture.
6. ...but if they do want to be seen, they have freaking neon in their bodies.

Place a few of these around the living room, and you've got a party.
7. Some octopuses like to chill inside coconut shells.

Take that, hermit crabs! You ain't all that with your spiral shells.
8. Octopuses can do this to you if you get in their way.

Holy crap! What a sucker! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
I found it very relaxing to write about our friend the octopus today. Much better than trying to make sense of all the weirdness going on in the world this week.

Oh, and God, please help Tom Brady win the Super Bowl, amen.

See what I mean?


  1. Saw an article about a softball-sized eyeball that washed up on a Florida beach and I got curious about giant squids and octupuses.. (octopi?)

    Came across your blog. Love this entry! Go PATS!

    1. That last picture is NOT from an octopus attack, it's a Chinese cupping massage. Here's the actual video:

    2. Hmmm...well, I'm not going to click on your link because it might take me to octopus sucker porn, which would be traumautic. But I'll take your word for it. On the other hand, Chinese cupping massage is 34% less funny than giant sucker marks going down some random dude's back. So I'm sticking with my story.

  2. hahhhahahhahahahahahah


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