Friday, April 18, 2014

The Road to Chuckville

Tomorrow is Precocious Daughter's statewide karate tournament. It's in beautiful Bryan Texas, just a hop, skip, and a jump from Texas A&M University. About which I give not a shit, but maybe I'll get some extra hits from people Googling "Aggies."

Also, here's an adorable picture of their mascot, Reveille.
Who's a good doggie?

The best part about going to the tournament is that it teaches children from across Texas to compete in a spirit of fairness and excellence.

Hahaha, no, of course not. The best part is that CHUCK NORRIS WILL BE THERE.

He's already been here.

Regular readers know all about my love-stalk relationship with Master Norris. And this is my chance. I want to shake Chuck's hand. I want to get his autograph. I want to run my nose through this beard.

That's why my motto for the tournament is "Meet Chuck or Get Arrested Trying 2014."

By Chuck Norris, of course.

But I don't have much time, and I need your help. I need a perfect opening line to ingratiate myself to Chuck Norris, to let him know how I much I respect and admire him, how much I want to clone him from his fingernails, and most of all how I'm totally not an insane person who should be escorted from the venue by his goons and/or the police.

So I've been working on some ideas. Let me know which one(s) I should try.

Potential Greetings to Chuck Norris on the Occasion of Meeting Him Totally in My Capacity as the Mother of a Defending State Champion and Not Some Nutcase Blogger/Fangirl

1. "Hello, Mr. Norris. It's a pleasure to meet you. May I please have the honor of putting my tongue in your ear?"

2. "Can I take a selfie of you kicking me in the face?"

3. "I have a 10th degree black in being completely obsessed with you."

4. (If his wife is nearby) "Hey Chuck, why don't you give your daughter there 20 bucks and tell her to go buy a t-shirt while the grown-ups talk?"

5. "I'm a huge fan. I've seen all of your memes."

6. "I've got a great idea for a new TV show. It's called 'Walker, Texas Ranger.' You star as a lawman who still catches bad guys even though you have to use a walker to get around."

7. "Is that your real hair? Is that your real beard? Are those your real pecs? I can keep moving down as long as you like."

8. "Chuck! Chuckchuckchuckchuckchuck! CHUUUUUUUUCK!

9. If I lie between two cinderblocks, will you break me in half like a board?"

10. "Hey Chuck - let's fuck."

Also, wish PDaughter and all of her Kickstart Kids classmates on a successful tournament. I hope to see them all do well before I'm dragged kicking and screaming out of the gym.


  1. Hey Chuck
    Let's tuck
    Like a buck
    In muck
    'cause I'm stuck
    Like Donald Duck
    Or an ice hockey puck
    Down on its luck

    Or you know what
    Forget it all
    Let's fuck
    Oh Chuck.

  2. "Can I take a selfie of you kicking me in the face?" This post was brilliant!

    Thank you, just, thank you!


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