Thursday, April 17, 2014

My Aura Can Beat Up Your Aura

I took one of those online quizzes recently.

OK, I took like a dozen of those online quizzes recently. I'm one of those people who take online quizzes. I contribute nothing to this world. But I know which Disney Princess I am, dammit.

Turns out it's Dopey.

Anyway, the specific quiz prompting today's post was called "What Color Is Your Aura?" That's a good thing to know, right? The color of one's aura says a lot about...the color of one's aura.

Shown here: Not actually your aura.

Whatever. Nobody was shot, killed, maimed, deprived of health coverage, or sent to a forced-labor camp as a result of my knowing the color of my aura. Which means that in a small way, I really am contributing something to the world. Who didn't get shot, killed, maimed, deprived of health coverage, or sent to a forced-labor camp as a result of something you did today, huh?

According to the quiz, my aura is black. Yep. My aura is the absence of all light, the visual representation of total darkness, the color that only sucks in and does not reflect back.

And you thought those quizzes weren't accurate. Pffft.

Me and my aura.

Lots of my Facebook friends took that quiz. Their auras were yellow, or blue, or red. Vibrant, dynamic colors. The colors of the crayons everyone fights over as a kid. The kinds of colors people name as their favorite.

I'm not bitter.

Tea, Earl Grey, fuck you.

I just decided to make up my own aura meanings, that's all.

Here's the link to the quiz. Take it and find out what color your aura is, but look at my explanation instead. Because it's way more accurate because I said so. And if you don't believe me, I'll come after you with my black-aura death-laser eyes.

If your aura is...

Red: You are fabulous in a "Springtime for Hitler" way. You are always perfectly put together and in control, at least on the inside. From the outside you appear to be borderline sociopathic, but that's OK. The world doesn't understand that you are heir to the throne of Ra the Sun God, and that is the world's problem. Just don't forget to coordinate your shoes with your aura, or your karma will run over your dogma.

Orange: Cats and chinchillas can smell your aura, and it drives them wild with passion. You probably took some shit for eating Play-Doh as a child, but only you knew that by ingesting it you took on its power. One day your ears will fall off as a sign that you are about to achieve enlightenment.

Yellow: You aura appears to be the result of a cosmic printing error. Probably it was supposed to be green, but the universe was out of cyan that day. You should spend your life searching for someone with a complementary aura color. Stick with something in the neutral palette - those neon auras may be trendy now, but you'll look silly in a few years.

Green: You share your aura with many creative, innovative people. Like the inventor of Cheetos, and whoever created the Doge meme. People don't always understand your motives and tend to think you're a bit of a jerk. That's their loss, and they'll wish they'd treated you more nicely when you finally work out how to spin gold from string cheese.

Blue: You passed out in the bathroom. The toilet overflowed, and now you're laying in a pool of blue Ty-D-Bowl water. This is no way to live your life.

Silver: Oh, sure, show off your badass glittery aura. You probably have perfect hair and can instinctively find the nearest public restroom when you need to go. Your sweat glands secrete Febreze. Gay men ask you for fashion advice. Butterflies try to sip nectar from your nostrils. You are destined to be hit by a bus.

Purple: With an aura like yours, who needs underwear? You are a free thinker, which is great until you realize that most laws and social mores were not created by free thinkers. In fact, the NSA has created special radar to detect auras like yours. They can see you right now. If you know how to ascend to the next plane of consciousness, now would be a good time to do that.

Black: The possessor of the black aura is powerful, merciless, and pretty damn sexy. Oprah looks under her chair when you tell her to, and then you're all "Psych! You get nothing!" Also, your eyes shoot death-lasers, which is kind of cool. Chuck Norris is your spirit animal. You rock.

You're like a unicorn's skidmark.

Stay tuned for my next quiz, "Which Symptom of a Crippling Drug Dependency Are You?" (Hint: It's probably either incontinence or hollow eye sockets.)


  1. Having a blue aura makes you oviparous? I didn't know that.

    I'll go try the quiz now. That's if my cell lets me.

  2. If online quizzes were like THIS, I would take them. If they made me laugh, I would do it. I made a meme about taking online quizzes and the result was I'm dead inside. I'm okay with that.

  3. I'm not taking the quiz, because I want my aura to be red, and I'll be horribly upset if it's anything else. You can pick your aura, right?

    Apparently you can, because looking through the questions I find that my answers would vary depending on time of day, what I've been doing lately, and a myriad of other factors. The only one I can answer conclusively is that the last thing I read was "something dirty". That's how we red-auras describe Stephen Jay Gould.

  4. Snort, yeah absolutely I'm yellow (not)
    Prob bcz I wanted to hang w/my doggies!


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