Thursday, October 3, 2013

Tattoo Me?

I'm in the very early stages of thinking about considering mulling over the possibility of getting a tattoo.

I will probably look like this by the time
I make up my mind. Which is still
fabulous, apparently.
This must be my midlife crisis getting ready to happen. I can't afford a sports car, I don't want a younger man, and I'm not about to be Real Housewife of Anywhere on This Planet. So if I'm going to do something uncharacteristically impetuous in an effort to recapture my fading youth...uh, sure, tattoo.

I have no tattoos. Other than one simple hole in each ear that I got when I was 10, I have no piercings. They've never been me. Or I've never been them. We've never been each other. It has something to do with my conventional and pretty straitlaced upbringing. It also has something to do with not wanting needles poking holes in any part of my body unless I'm at a blood drive.

This aversion has its benefits. There is no chance I will ever become addicted to any drug that is administered via syringe.

Me to heroin: Eww, gross, get away, yuck. No offense.
Here's how Wikipedia describes the process of getting a tattoo:

Tattooing involves the placement of pigment into the skin's dermis, the layer of dermal tissue underlying the epidermis.... The most common method of tattooing in modern times is the electric tattoo machine, which inserts ink into the skin via a single needle or a group of needles that are soldered onto a bar, which is attached to an oscillating unit. The unit rapidly and repeatedly drives the needles in and out of the skin, usually 80 to 150 times a second.


And then I'm lowered into a vat of flesh-eating bacteria while being forced to listen to Britney Spears songs, is that it? That would maximize the horror of having ink-filled needles plunge into my tender skin 150 times a goddamn second, wouldn't it?

Then we jam one into the old
eye socket, just for grins
So the jury is not exactly in on the subject of me getting inked. But I can think about it. That doesn't hurt or leave permanent marks, right? OK. Gotta start somewhere.

My basic criteria for a tattoo are simple and non-negotiable. It will be small.

We'll call this "not small."
It will be inconspicuous.

This looks great with a collared shirt,
I'm sure.

It will be fact-checked.

Wait...it's Prince, right?
Little Richard?
Chris Tucker?
And it will be cute.

If I want to frighten people, I'll tell them
I switched to the Tea Party. Not this.
It might be a Pokémon.

Little Cubone, why are you sad?
If you were on my arm, we'd be so happy.
Or a squirrel. I like squirrels.

Climbing up my leg for all eternity...
that might be creepy.
I love monkeys, of course.

It would be even better if he were wearing clothes.
There are certain things I'm not willing to do for a tattoo.

This, for example, seems a bit extreme for a
moderately funny punchline.
No matter how clever it seems.

We're just not all lucky enough to have a prosthetic leg.
The trick is to pick something really attractive.

I wonder if getting this tattoo ten-tickled?
Without going overboard.

The truth is, you don't literally
gotta catch 'em all.
And so I ponder. Because pondering doesn't cost anything and doesn't leave permanent marks.

Oh, I also hear that reputable tattoo places won't ink you if you come in drunk. So I have to figure out some way of surviving the process while sober.

Ideas are welcome. Talking me the hell out of this craziness is also good.

4 comments:

  1. Took me till I was 41 to get mine, always wanted one but just couldnt decide what I could live with forever and where (cause I want to be able to see it). I did, got the state of Texas on the top of my right foot, colored appropriately of course. Didn't hurt that bad and I LOVE IT!

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  2. oh, you can find a pic on my FB =)

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  3. I got my nose pierced because I couldn't handle the permanence of a tat. I love them, I just couldn't commit. That said, I freaking love my little nose stud. Get inked! Life is short!

    ReplyDelete

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