Five Reasons I Won't Attend The Response

You've probably heard about The Response, the big God-rave happening at Houston's Reliant Stadium on August 6th. Texas Governor Rick Perry (not to be confused with my personally endorsed 2012 Presidential candidate Dick Perry) has officially proclaimed that day to be a Day of Prayer and Fasting for Our Nation. He's invited the governors of all 50 states to join him at the air-conditioned shindig in Houston "on behalf of our troubled nation."

I'll bet the 283 million of you Americans who don't live in Texas weren't even aware Gov. Perry had the authority to issue proclamations for the entire United States from his $10K-a-month rented mansion in Austin. Well, he does. Because he is the Lord's megaphone. And everyone knows that the best cheerleaders are in Texas. Noah dropped them off here right after the flood waters subsided. I believe God's exact words at the time were, "Well, this is the last good rain they'll see for a spell, but these surgically enchanced blondes in tight costumes should make up for the lack of fresh produce and drinking water."

A few governors from other states will be attending the event - the ones whose 10-foot poles are in the shop for repairs, I believe. The actual number of governors who will be at The Response is a bit hard to pin down, however. While some have RSVP'd a definite "no" - like Chris Christie of New Jersey and Rick Snyder of Michigan - there seem to be a lot of "undecideds" on the guest list. I surmise that these governors are privately praying for a minor natural disaster in their state or a case of the sniffles that will enable them to gracefully send their regrets just prior to the event. (Don't pretend you've never used a mild earthquake as an excuse to skip your second cousin's wedding. We've all done it.)

I will not be attending The Response. It was a tough decision - who doesn't enjoy cramming themselves into a sports venue with a bunch of sweaty hypocrites to shout about how humbly and meekly they love God for seven hours? But in the end, I had to follow my conscience. And my conscience doesn't like to hang out with lunatics. Oh, yes, there will be lunatics aplenty in attendance at Reliant Stadium on August 6th. Trust me on this. Or don't. I'm happy to supply specific reasons why I must regretfully decline Gov. Perry's invitation to join him a day of quasi-religious tomfoolery.

1. No pets are allowed. That's bullshit. I love my pets, especially my Darling Dog. To me, he is proof that God is loving and has a wicked sense of humor. I'll stay home and feed him biscuits and pretend it's doggy Communion instead.

2. These people don't know how to fast. Food will be sold at the event. That's right, they're selling concessions at a FAST. I understand that some people can't really fast for medical reasons, and that it may not be practical to ask kids or the elderly to go without food for an entire day. In those cases it makes sense to bring a cooler of snacks for...Oh, wait, you can't bring your own food. If you're going to break your fast, you're going to do it by purchasing six-dollar hot dogs and plates of toxic nachos. As the Lord would want you to.



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3. That song. If you look at the website for The Response, you'll see a picture of a crowd of young, attractive Christians with their eyes squeezed shut and their hands in the air. They look as if they all just reached orgasm simultaneously after chasing a Muslim family out of their gated community. I would bet Internet dollars that these people are singing "Awesome God." I would further wager that this song will be sung at some point during the event. And I would rather spread peanut butter on my private parts and swan-dive into an enclosure of hungry baboons than listen to that song. 

Four out of five baboons would prefer it, as well.

4. Assholes make my head explode. The Response is being put on by the Donald Wildmon and the American Family Association, the notorious "Christian" group that is anti-choice, anti-gay, anti-free spech, and likes to organize boycotts of companies that don't cram Christian holidays down your throat in their advertising. These activities are carried out in the name of decency and Jesus, who of course kicked the money-changers out of the Jerusalem Target because they were singing "She-Bop." Another "endorser" of The Response, John Hagee of San Antonio, likes to refer to the Catholic Church as "the Whore of Babylon." These guys all love Rick Perry, who has famously responded by saying, "I appreciate their endorsements but [that] doesn’t mean I endorse what they believe in or what they say.” Except, presumably, what they'll say at Reliant Stadium on August 6th. My skull is experiencing tremors right now.    

5. I know what "apolitical" means. And I'm pretty sure a public rally called by a sitting governor on official letterhead and held just before an expected declaration of candidacy for President of the United States is a textbook example. See, because it's "a political" statement. Right? Maybe I don't know what it means, after all. But that's OK, because Rick Perry doesn't either, and it doesn't seem to bother him a bit.