Dick Perry for President

It's early going, but I'm pleased to announce that I'm endorsing a candidate in the 2012 Presidential election. I'd like to back President Obama for a second term, but I just can't. After careful deliberation over what to write about today, I've decided he just doesn't have the combination of moral rectitude, patriotism, and love of meat that America so desperately needs to carry it into the second half of the second decade of the first century of the new millennium.

So who does?

Why, Dick Perry, of course!

He's charismatic, down-to-earth, and he's got great hair. Plus he looks like a character from "The Simpsons" for some reason. I'm pretty sure that's all anybody needs to lead this great nation of ours.

Now, some of you might take a look at Candidate Dick's official portrait up there and get the idea that I'm actually shilling for someone else.

Au contraire! I could never support Ted Nugent. The guy's a gun nut.

No, Dick Perry is my man. I'm pretty sure he's straight, and I'm almost positive he's an American citizen. Why?  Because he says so! And that should be good enough for all of us! Unless you're some kind of a tree-hugging Lame-o-crat. But that's OK, too, because Dick Perry loves trees. You can't make walnut rifle stocks without trees. Or makeshift gallows on the outskirts of town in the dead of night, for that matter.

Dick Perry has permanent five o'clock shadow, because he's trained his facial hair to stop growing past stubble length. That's the kind of tough discipline we need in the White House. After all, the last American President with a beard led this country into civil war.


Jerk.

Dick Perry loves diversity. He's been both a Democrat and a Republican. In fact, so as not to be bound by a particular political ideology, he's made up his own, one that is not tied to any special interest group or conventional definition of logic. He loves all flavors of vanilla ice cream, every Southern Christian Conservative Protestant religious denomination, and most people who give him money. That inclusiveness guarantees that Dick Perry will be the President of the people who are just like him.

Dick Perry is a Texan, and Texans have always made the best Presidents. Ask any citizen of Vietnam or Iraq, and they'll be proud to tell you what they think of our past Texan Presidents. I can't understand what they're saying in those jibber-jabber tongues they speak, but I'm sure it's glowing praise. Dick Perry promises to pick some other sovereign nation and put his tank-shaped stamp upon it, just as his predecessors did. And that nation surely will return the love in kind.

Now, it's true that Dick Perry is a tad more conservative than other candidates I've supported in the past. But I think the time is right for a shift to more traditional values. And no one is more traditional than Dick Perry.


He loves tradition, including the traditional two-parent,
single-color family and the traditional refrigerator
crammed with booze.

We're all under stress nowadays because of divisive issues such as civil rights, taxes, a crumbling infrastructure, foreign wars, poverty, and political corruption. Dick Perry doesn't want the American people to have to worry about these things. He doesn't want us to even have to think about them. In fact, with Dick Perry as President, these difficult issues will be banished from public discussion and never addressed again.

We'll be too busy for such talk, anyway.

The goal of Dick Perry's campaign is to bring the message of American strength and independence to the American people. To do that, he'll have to get all those non-American people out of the country, so they can't listen in. It's only fair. America is a land of law-abiding citizens, not a bunch of down-on-their-luck immigrants. And to make sure illegal immigration is stopped, Dick Perry will crack down on corporations that illegally hire undocumented workers to skirt minimum-wage and fair-labor laws. And...

...excuse me for a moment...

...I apparently was reading from the wrong notes...I'm being supplied with an amended version...

...ah, here we go...

Dick Perry is a staunch supporter of free enterprise and entrepreneurialism and believes government should get out of the way of businesspeople trying to maximize their efficiency and productivity in the free market.

Huh.

Well, I'm sure if Dick Perry believes it, it's a good thing. And that's why I support Dick Perry for President.  Because he knows what's good for us, whether we believe it or not.

And to help kick off Campaign 2012 for Dick Perry, I'd like to present the first limited-edition Dick Perry for President campaign button!

Remember: Democracy, like strychnine, works best in small, measured doses. Support the candidate who will dole it out in the tiniest amounts possible. Pick Dick.