I Didn't Even Have Time to Make Fun of This!

 Goddammit.

I had a great post almost finished about former Congressman and perpetual creep Matt Gaetz being nominated for (snort) Attorney General of the United States (wheeze) by President-Elect Skinwalker (BWA-hahahaha).

What the Mary Kay Peel-Off Hydrating Mask is that???

In a Presidential transition period where the list of proposed Cabinet members and department heads resembles nothing so much as next season's contestants on "The Masked Singer," Matt Gaetz stood out as a bizarre choice. His bona fides as an expert in law amount to being credibly accused of sex trafficking and being investigated by the House Ethics Committee for a laundry list of crimes and violations that make him more qualified to be Diddy's consigliere than the top law enforcement official in the nation.

My personal theory is that Gaetz never had a snowball's chance in Juarez of being confirmed by the Senate. But since he's been a loyal buttlicker (bootlicker? booblicker? he's been licking something, surely) of Leatherface McTinyhands for so long, he brokered a deal whereby he'd get the AG nod and use it as an excuse to resign from Congress. Since the Ethics Committee has no authority to investigate an ex-Representative, its (surely damning) report on Matty's shenanigans would be shelved forever. And then he could take on some paid lackey role in the Trump orbit that didn't require confirmation hearings, and his warped little world would keep on turning.

It was Plan B after nobody believed Jack Nicholson
had quietly taken over Florida's 1st Congressional District.

But something changed. Somehow the Chinese knockoff brand of Chutes and Ladders that passes for 3-D chess in Trumpworld got knocked to floor before the game was over. The key to what transpired behind closed doors likely can be found in this sentence from Gaetz' withdrawal tweet: "I had excellent meetings with Senators yesterday. I appreciate their thoughtful feedback." 

I'm not sure which member(s) of the Senate finally grew a pair and flat-out threatened Gaetz with exposure, but bless 'em. Once it was "thoughtfully" explained to him that 1) the report was coming out, even if it had to be leaked one line at a time and 2) the Orange One was going to leave his skeevy ass hanging out in the wind, Matty folded like a dollar bill stuck in a pole dancer's g-string.

My guess is that whether the report comes out or not, Trump will distance himself from unemployed politician Matt Gaetz. He doesn't like losers, as we all know. Bye-bye, cushy advisor role.

Maybe he and Dan Bingo-Bango-Bongino can start a podcast together after Dan's equally ludicrous nomination to head up the Secret Service crashes and burns. Too bad that Alex Jones's studio is no longer available. And that the name "Dumb and Dumber" is already taken.

Anyway, I'm bummed that I couldn't write about Matt Gaetz today. Better luck next time.