Monday, August 15, 2016

The Haunted Dildo

This post is a bit different from my usual fare.

You've been warned.

I'm off the hook, legally.
So there's a difference between being in a committed relationship in your early 20s and being in a committed relationship in your late 40s.

It has to do with a) rabbits and b) fucking like same.

Googling "fucking like rabbits" yields surprisingly few
images of bunnies, FYI.

Let's just say that if I turned up pregnant right now, the Catholic Church would name a feast day after me.

But it's OK. I have a side piece.

It's eight inches long and takes two AA batteries.

What the hell were you thinking of?

Nah, it's exactly what you were thinking of. Oddly enough, I've never given my jittery friend a name, although I'm aware that's a thing. After all, Steely Dan was the name of a dildo before it was the name of a 70s alt-jazz-progressive-rock band.

I've never read it, either. I just get
the pop-culture reference.
I'm shallow that way.

Let's call mine Simon. For no reason. Seriously. Stop it.

Push all the buttons just right, and you win. LOL.
Don't pretend you don't have a Simon. Men, don't pretend your wife/girlfriend/sister doesn't have one. We don't pretend you don't have a hand and an Internet connection.

Anyway.

Tonight I was hanging out with Simon because I was otherwise by my lonesome.

Real talk, ladies...You know that sad sound when the batteries are running down? You know, when Simon's, uh, voice gets lower and slower, as if he has a cold or maybe is just in a really bad mood and doesn't feel like getting off the couch?

Yeah.

As a modern, independent, single woman of the 21st century, I make sure I keep a variety of batteries on hand. For the smoke alarm, the flashlights, and...friends. Like Simon. Who is just another Battery Operated-American struggling to reach his full potential.

I honorably discharged Simon's batteries and deployed two new AA soldiers who were sworn to Make Vibrating Great Again. It was a very moving ceremony. As in, I moved that shit right on in.

Here's the thing.

Right off the bat, when I pressed the "on" button, Simon began to talk in a very high-pitched voice. And very quickly. This manic babble was unfamiliar to me, but I chalked it up to the giddy newness of fresh batteries. Right?

What I'm talking about.

OK. But when I decided to give Simon and me a break, something strange happened. I pressed his power button and...nothing happened.

I couldn't stop my dildo from chattering. I pressed that button a half-dozen times, but his battery-powered electric monologue went on.

I was freaked out, you guys.

Just imagine that the ghost of Robin Williams
decided to inhabit your personal massager, ladies.
I removed one of the batteries, and Simon quieted down. But as soon as I put it back...drdrdrdrdrdrfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckdrdrdrdrdrdrdr.  Relentlessly.

It was like being with my ex, without the physical abuse.

OK, so...Simon happens to have another side. Specifically, another end, so as to be not a one-dimensional friend. And Simon II, as I'll call him, has a separate power button.

Not knowing how else to silence the manic sexual chattering of Simon I, I activated Simon II and his guttural, frankly frightening, two-headed chant. Then I pressed the button again.

Improbably...thankfully...both ends shut off.

I put Simon back in his room aka desk drawer.

I'm left with two possible explanations for this incident

One: My dildo is haunted.

Two: I can't even have a successful sexual experience with a piece of plastic that exists solely to give me a successful sexual experience.

I'm leaning toward ghosts, for obvious reasons.

If you're really sorry you read this...I understand.

4 comments:

  1. I picked up my suitcase once at baggage claim and it was buzzing. Let's assume it was my electric toothbrush, and it shifted during flight.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. I assume you're familiar with this? The answer is in there.

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  4. So Simon is going to need an exorcism. I find that quite amusing because I'm picturing the priest who gets asked to perform that service.
    Now I think I need to listen to the Motorhead song Bill has shared to get rid of the song stuck in my head.
    The song stuck in my head is, of course, the theme from "Simon In The Land of Chalk Drawings".

    ReplyDelete

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