Sunday, December 27, 2015

Things to Do When You're Alone

Update: I left two things off this list. First, go to and order all the things. Guiltily take most of them out of your cart before placing the order. But definitely buy the pot rack. Second, watch multiple episodes of "Beachfront Bargain Hunt." Wonder for 870th time how the hell these people can afford to just pack up and move to a beach and/or how you get one of those "jobs I can do from anywhere."

OK, now the list is complete. Go on with your life.


I'm learning how to be a grown-up single person. It's different from what I'm used to.

That's me in the middle of everything I used to know.
Grown-ups have to learn to deal with disappointment. I totally get that. But single-lady disappointment is different from married-lady disappointment. Married-lady disappointment typically consists of not being alone when you want to be, while single-lady disappointment tends to involve being alone when you don't want to be.

I'm learning.

Yay, it's fun.
Here are a few things I learned today about coping when you've planned an adult playdate, complete with sleepover, and instead ended up spending the entire day (and night) by yourself.

1. Drink all the alcohol. All of it. The bottle you bought five days ago that you promised would last two weeks, the small bottle of the good stuff your estranged spouse bought you to distract from shafting you $1500 on Christmas Day, the two bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade that otherwise might have stayed in the fridge forever because you don't really like Mike's Hard Lemonade. It will solve nothing. Do it anyway.

2. Spend some time checking out your ass in the new jeans you bought this weekend. They're a smaller size than anything you've worn in at least five years. And while I don't recommend the end your marriage, sell your house, and ruin your credit diet, you can't argue with the results. Your ass looks great. Admire it, because no one else will.

3. Color your hair. Over the last few months, taking care of your hair has taken a back seat to pretty much everything. You're sick and tired of your mousey-blonde, gray-streaked roots. Color it. Yes, you're going to get a lot of your new highlights chopped off later this week, but who cares? You love the smell of the conditioner.

4. Dance naked. Because you can. No one can see you or your cottage-cheese thighs. Enjoy your killer moves.

5. Turn off the alarm. You're sleeping in tomorrow. If you must sleep alone, at least sleep late. You deserve it.

Good night, Drunkards.


  1. You are well on your way to creating and living in your own little world. I can't recommend it highly enough!

  2. Sleep well, Chuckster, and dance all you like :)

  3. Live a little. Colour your hair red and purple. Or blue and green. Just do it!

  4. Part of me wants to tell you to find someone to dance with, but mainly I'm just glad the tornadoes missed you.

  5. Honestly, you are your own best company. You just don't believe it yet. (and I'm glad the tornadoes missed you, too)


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