Sunday, December 20, 2015

Hello, Is It Christmas You're Looking For?

You guys, there's a War on Christmas.

A moment of silence, please, for the victims
of the Battle of Barbie Dream House.
But don't worry. America's prominent Republicans aren't just sitting around letting the godless enemy persecute Christians, tear down churches, and serve coffee in plain red cups. They're employing the most potent weapon in their arsenal to defend Christmas against certain annihilation: rhetoric.

Presidential front-runner Donald Trump...

...sorry, can't type that with a straight face...

Good one, though.
Anyway, The Donald announced at a rally, "If I become president, we're all going to be saying, 'Merry Christmas' again. That I can tell you."

Texas agriculture commissioner Sid Miller wrote on Facebook, "If one more person says Happy Holidays to me I just might slap them," adding graciously, "Either tell me Merry Christmas or just don't say anything." Which I think is advice his staff should take every time he asks them a question about budgets or policies or something. When does the new farm subsidy bill come up for a vote? "Merry Christmas." What time is the press conference? *silence* It might just make the agricultural commission run more smoothly, to be honest.

Leaving aside the issue of current and hopeful elected officials declaring a preferred religion in direct violation of the Constitution they've clearly never had anybody read to them, these people are idiots. By which I, I pretty much mean they're idiots.

It is distressing to Christian conservatives that America is no longer an overwhelmingly Christian nation but merely a mostly Christian nation (about 70% as of 2014). It's particularly distressing to them that other, non-Christian religions tend to be followed by a lot of damn black, brown, and yellow people. And in the multitude of those Americans freely practicing their religions and not really giving a shit about the story of Baby Jesus and the Three Wiseguys, the Christian right sees a vicious attack on their faith.

The battle cry of this sustained wave of anti-Christian violence is "Happy Holidays." Which clearly is Muslimese for "fuck your grandmother with an unsanitized dildo," judging by their offended reaction to the phrase. Every time someone says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," apparently an angel gets beaten to a pulp by a band of crazed Hindus. These are some evil words, for sure.

The thing is, I've lived in this embarrassingly and increasingly intolerant country for going on 48 years. And I remember that back in the day, there was a very common phrase used at Christmastime that didn't seem to freak anybody out. Its popularity has waned in recent years, but you used to see these words in advertising, on greeting cards, all the same places you now see "Happy Holidays," without Christians fearing that they were going to be stripped of all their sacred texts, like the Bible and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

Season's Greetings.

Hell, it doesn't even reference holidays at all. It's basically saying, "It's winter. Hello." Yet it used to be synonymous with "Merry Christmas" and was perfectly acceptable to everyone, even Republicans. I always thought it was a lovely sentiment, and I'm sorry it's not used more today. Especially since you can longer talk to some people about holidays without specifying the holy sacred Christian holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus with two months of sales on mattresses and luxury sedans.

So, to Donald and all of his Trump-minded supporters I say, You go right on saying Merry Christmas. Say it to Christians, to non-Christians, to pigeons if you want to make sure they're getting the message, too. Pander to your base. Celebrate your faith. Nobody is half as offended to hear it as you are to not hear it, I promise.

And I'll say Season's Greetings. Because it's winter. Hello.

Have a nice war.


  1. I'm not sure what sort of executive power the President holds over how people greet each other at certain times of the year. So that would be interesting to see...

  2. Is it just me or are the people who claim there's a war on Christmas becoming increasingly desperate in their efforts to start a war on Christmas?

    Yeah, I know. It's just me.

  3. Why just at Christmas? Make "Merry Christmas" compulsory. Make it the obligatory greeting anywhere and everywhere.

    Mugger: "Merry Christmas! Give me all your money."

    Wall Street: "Merry Christmas! Give me bailouts."

    USAF: "Merry Christmas! Here, have these bombs on us,"

    Obama: "Merry Christmas! Here, you folk, get droned to death by me."

    Killary Klingon: "Merry Christmas! Now just vote for me."


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.