The Incredibly Effed-Up Week That Was

In the time of the pandemic, "it's been a busy week" is the new "may you live in interesting times," curses-flung-by-the-gods-wise.

This week NASA successfully landed a new rover, Mars Perseverance, on the surface of the Red Planet. This is a Big Fucking Deal. In a normal week, this would have the biggest news story in America, if not the world. A triumph for science, a milestone for human exploration, a symbol of our ever-expanding understanding of our place in the universe.

Also, it's adorable.

But it wasn't. Here are the stories that overshadowed it:

Texas had a winter storm. That of course doesn't come close to describing the severity and impact of what actually happened here. Texas is a huge state - there are 254 counties (by comparison, my home state of Wisconsin has 72). All 254 of those counties were under a winter storm warning as of last weekend. This includes Laredo County, whose average high temperature in February is 72 degrees, and my own Dallas-Fort Worth area, which hadn't seen measurable snow in February since 2015. 

For the record, I was one of the very fortunate few who didn't lose power, water, or internet this week. I personally know many people who struggled to stay warm and dry. For the most part, local governments and social agencies did a heroic job connecting folks with resources, as did ordinary friends and neighbors looking out for each other. Interestingly, the worst problems this week were caused by elected and appointed government toadies. Same as it ever was.

Speaking of government toadies, Senator Ted Cruz cemented his place as one of the worst people alive by packing up his family and heading for Mexico while millions of his fellow Texans went cold, wet, and hungry. Ted apparently never heard of the internet, because he rapidly cycled through numerous lies to explain why he fled to Cancun in the middle of a disaster declaration, despite his own easily discoverable previous digs at officials who similarly abandoned their responsibilities for the sake of personal comfort. Ted is an asshole of epic proportions.

Speaking of assholes, Rush Limbaugh finally died this week. I found out that you can land in Twitter jail by wishing for the rapid decomposition of a human body post-mortem:

Totally worth it. I've challenged his fans to provide specific evidence that Rush ever did anything beneficial for humanity that doesn't include the phrase "he wuz a paytriot." So far even the crickets are staying mum on the matter.

Anyway, Perseverance is safely puttering around on Mars, (most) Texans are good strong people, Ted Cruz is a sniveling sack of snot, and Rush Limbaugh is no longer consuming precious oxygen on this planet. The gamut of humanity has well and truly been run this week.

So stay safe, get vaccinated when it's your turn, do what you can for your fellow human, and remember that no one ever had "they stayed out of Twitter jail" carved on their tombstone, so go for it. May the news cycle slow to a crawl next week. We've earned it.

Panic! At the Gas Pump

Check out this bullshit.

This is the general area where I live in the Dallas Metroplex.

You may have heard we're having a wee bit of a gas shortage.

Or, actually...we're having a wee bit of a problem with assholes panicking about an imagined shortage of totally not-scarce gasoline and making a run on the pumps and draining every tank in town.

Look at that graphic up there. The green spots have gas. The red are gas stations that HAVE. NO. GAS.

Because Hurricane Harvey caused supply disruptions that created shortages?

NO.

Because enough people in Dallas were selfish idiots who believed there might possibly be shortages and made a run on the pumps.

Descendants of the same morons who thought "War of the Worlds"
was an actual Martian invasion in 1938.

Here's what caused the well-publicized (and ongoing) "gas panic." 

1. Assholes who drive until their empty light comes on.

2. Assholes who think nothing matters except their personal well-being.

3. Assholes.

I filled up on Tuesday of this week. I was a little annoyed that the price of gas had spiked after Harvey made landfall, for no other reason than predatory greed. But OK.

A fill-up typically lasts me 7-8 days. Hey, my world is small. So when this bullshit gas panic started up on Thursday, I didn't worry. I'm good to go for another several days. I didn't rush to top off my tank, because this wasn't Black Monday, and I wasn't worried about freaking margin calls.

Apparently I was in the minority.

Every asshole in the city has let their asshole flag fly in the last 48 hours. Blocking traffic, being rude, hoarding gas (i.e., filling 10 fucking gas cans along with their tank).

Turns out there are a whole lot of people in this town I would punch in the head if I got within three feet of them.

If this bullshit is still going on in a few days when I actually need gas, I'm going to be PISSED OFF.

You may see me on the news.

Assholes are such assholes.

Hey, it's a three-day weekend, and if I run out of gas, I've got plenty of vacation time saved up.

I'll be back when the assholes put their human-suits back on.

This Is Not Me (Not Even Close)

This is a not a normal Saturday afternoon post.

But this is not a normal Saturday.

You may have heard that the University of Virginia in Charlottesville has been beseiged by a large number of alt-right activists...

Sorry, backing up. Can't say that with a straight face.

UVA has been invaded by fucking white supremacists who claim they are being threatened by  non-white, non-male, non-Christian people aka most of the freaking planet.

They brought their own nahtzee helmets.
How cute is that?

Apparently the definition of "threatened" is now "we thought democracy meant we were in charge but now it means we're equal to people who don't look or worship like us and we just figured out that sucks for us."

And so these butthurt white Christian males have chosen to express their outrage that other lives actually do matter. By burning torches and rallying around a statue of Thomas Jefferson, because why not it's not like Daveed Diggs, a POC, slayed the role of TJ in Hamilton, proving that skin color doesn't define greatness.

FUCK YOU GUYS.

Look. My dad is a white American male. My brother is a white American male. I have many co-workers who are white American males.

I don't agree with their views 100%. But I love them, and I respect them, because I know they're all good people. And good people can disagree.

But if any of them - ANY, including my own family - were to light a torch and chant slogans about being superior to lesser beings aka anyone who doesn't look and think exactly like them, they would be dead to me.

DEAD.

I am a white middle-class suburban mom. Aside from the obvious defect of my gender, I'm a member of just about the most privileged class in American society. Not considering the super-wealthy, who in my mind only exist to demonstrate the evils that money can do to putatively normal people.

I love good people. Whether they be white, black, Hispanic, Muslim, gay, religious, or whatever.

Also, I despise bad people, whether they be white, black, Hispanic, Muslim, gay, religious, or whatever.

Because "good" and "bad" transcend random accidents of birth.

But fuck these people who can't deal with the world not being controlled by white professed-Christian males.

How dare you claim to be Americans in an America populated by immigrants, refugees, marginalized groups, and outcasts?

This country belongs to those who love it.

And doesn't give a damn about the pigmentation, religious affiliation, or political orientation of anyone who pledges their allegiance to our flag.

Take your torches and your slogans and shove them up your asses, you pseudo-American hatemongers.

Babies.

Please love or hate me. Either response is totally welcome.

Dick Sends Pics. Really.

Eric Bolling, who I guess has a show on Fox News, has been suspended from the network pending an investigation into alleged wrongdoing.

Specifically, several female Fox News employees have accused Mr. Bolling of texting them unsolicited photographs of his genitalia.

History will show that there was a Squidward reaction GIF
for every situation.

I have a few points I wish to make on this subject.

First: I don't know who Eric Bolling is.

I don't watch Fox News. I knew who Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly were, but they're both gone. I know who Tucker Carlson is, because he used to wear those ridiculous bowties on CNN before he decided that impartial journalism is for suckers. But I have no idea what Eric Bolling says or does. Whatever it is, he's been suspended from saying or doing it while he's accused of texting unsolicited dick pics to female co-workers.

Second: Why do women work at Fox News?

I totally get that there are female conservatives. I respect their views, even though they differ from my own. What I don't understand is how any woman can look at a cable news channel that is overtly anti-equality, anti-choice, anti-feminism and think, "I want to work there, yeah buddy." I assume they think they're gaming the system for personal gain, and that's great. But don't whine because you didn't realize the tiger was a carnivore.

Third: Let's talk about male genitalia.

News flash: The human penis is not intrinsically attractive. The scrotal area is not physically appealing. Speaking as only one woman, I find the male sexual organs to be unfortunately placed and unnecessarily vulnerable to harm. My own boyfriend describes them as as God's 5:45 on a Friday decision with regard to configuration and placement.

In other words, the physical appearance of your bait and tackle is unlikely to stir sexy-feels in any thinking, feeling woman.

So sending a photograph of your junk to a woman is like sending a pic of your big toe, or your left knee, or the blackhead on your ear.

And sending it unsolicited and without context is almost exactly like posting a Tinder profile that says "I'm a complete tool and treat women as objects, swipe if you have zero self-esteem like me."

Let me repeat if you didn't get the message.

Nobody cares what your penis looks like.

Nobody cares what your penis looks like.

Don't send me pictures of your freaking penis, because nobody cares.

I totally realize that the people who need to hear this message will not hear this message.

Still, I'll try.

Got it?

Tune In, You Guys

The President of the United States wants to defund public television.

Yes, the Public Broadcasting Service, or PBS.

Non-American readers: If you want to understand the impact of this proposed defunding, please learn about PBS here. Actually, it's a good read for Americans, too, who might otherwise take the existence and ubiquity of public television for granted.

In a nutshell, if you live in the USA and have enjoyed any of these, it's because of PBS:

Muppets
Mister Rogers
Julia Child
The Electric Company
Bob Vila
Bob Ross (BOB F'ING ROSS, PEOPLE)
Monty Python
Fawlty Towers
Carl Sagan
Are You Being Served?
The PBS Newshour fka the McNeil/Lehrer Report
Sneak Previews with Siskel and Ebert
Austin City Limits (!!!)
Doctor Who
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Dragon Tales
Downton Abbey
Cosmos (COOOOOSSSSMMMOOOOSSSS)

But screw all that, because our current President wants to save approximately 0.05% of the total budget by slashing funding to PBS.

And we could totally appropriate that money for a gold-plated buttplug engraved with his initials, yo.

I DO NOT ENDORSE THIS AWESOME IMAGE, OK?

I'm so disheartened that this move is not motivated by a need to save money, but clearly by a need to destroy institutions that might with impunity question the right of our current Commander in Chief to do whatever the hell he wants at the expense of small, ineffective  players like, oh, the American People.

It's almost as if Trump promised - and is now fulfilling that promise - to be the President of the money-grubbing assholes who don't care about anything but their own wealth fuck yeah.

Because why else kill the network of Masterpiece Fucking Theater?

Yeah, I thought so.

My eyes are on 2018, Drunkards, when we can at least begin to take back America from the would-be fascist Scrooges of this country.

#Resist

Kill Masterpiece fucking Theater, my ass.

God Bless America.

Dear Sucker Who Pays Rent...

I love my little apartment. You guys know that.

This is Kendall Jenner's apartment, not mine, lol. Mine is smaller,
but has the advantage of no fucking antlers in the living room.

To be honest, I'm thrilled to not be a homeowner. I did that for almost 20 years, and yeah, owning your own home on your own plot of land is wonderful in many ways. Like being able to paint your bedroom purple.

But right here, right now, having a place that is compact, easy to clean, and has a maintenance staff on call to fix whatever breaks is awesome.

Full disclosure: I totally unclogged my own toilet recently.
But I could have had someone do it for me...for free.

Of course, there are drawbacks to apartment living. Not being able to practice clogging because of downstairs neighbors. Having to wear headphones when possessed by the urge to listen to show tunes at maximum volume. Um...no nude treadmilling allowed in the free community exercise room. Uh...must use professional-quality gas grill next to well-appointed pool when wanting to barbecue.

The struggle is real.

Really real.

But seriously folks, the numero uno drawback of apartment living is that you have a lot of neighbors in very close proximity. And some of them - I don't care where you live or how much you pay in rent - are assholes.

And unlike a single-family residence, where assholes in violation of community standards can be reported and fined for being bad neighbors, in an apartment complex everyone suffers the consequences of their rude and slovenly behavior.

Case in point: The community letter.

If you're employed in a company of any size, you know about the community letter. Two or three people have fucked things up for everybody else by being douchenozzles, but to avoid the liability of actually holding individuals accountable for their behavior, the home office chastises everyone in the most carefully parsed, passive-aggressive way possible.

Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh.

So when I got home tonight, one of these charming missives was stuck in my front door-crack. It was just the most cheerful, chipper reprimand I've ever read. Absolutely no one who needs to heed its admonishments will give it a second thought, and absolutely everyone who is fed up with the jizzbuckets in our midst is sure that it will be ineffective.

It's exactly like the online sexual harassment course I had to take at work today.

Look, it's not the offensive familiarity I mind so much as
the systemic marginalization of my validity in this organization.

I thought I'd share a few excerpts from this amazing memorandum, along with a passive-aggressive-to-real-talk translation.

"Thank you for choosing xxxxx [as] your place to call home! We appreciate all of you and our goal is [to] ensure your expectations are exceeeded."

We know damn well we could jack up the rent on your apartment by $75 a month if you would only move out. But whatever, fair housing laws.

"To help make our community a better place to live we need your help. It's as simple as being courteous to your fellow neighbors and abiding by the community rules."

A fucking barn...were you born in one? The fact that we need rules for being a decent human makes us think that money can't buy class.

"[P]lease help us keep the community clean and pick up after [your] pets. We've noticed more animal waste throughout the community recently."

I stepped in dogshit walking into the leasing office yesterday. Fuck, people. You know what kind of dog owner fails to poop-scoop? Lonely, disgusting douchebags who never get laid. That's what.

"Do not throw [cigarettes] off your patio/balcony or in the breezeways/stairwells."

Clearly your crack-whore mother and your three-strikes father didn't teach you not to be a piece of shit. Fair enough. Here's the lowdown on how to become a 1% better human being.

"Please be courteous and mindful of others in the parking garage. Drive at a reasonable speed and be cautious of others in the garage."

Forty mph is not a reasonable speed, dickweed. Also, in America we drive on the right, not in the middle of the fucking lane. Oh, and if you're driving an enormous vehicle to compensate for your tiny penis, be extra courteous to those who drive with confidence in their sexuality. Thanks.

"The trash cans in the garage are for small items only."

Do NOT leave the shipping crate for your blow-up Buxom Betty sex doll next to the small trash can meant for, like, Whataburger bags. Unless you neglect to peel off the shipping label first. Then at least we can mock you and share your apartment number for all to see.

"Thanks for your time and cooperation."

We can totally let ourselves into your apartment and piss on your dishes whenever we want. And then we can evict you for no good reason, per our ridiculously restrictive lease. HA!

I'm fine with these rules and regulations. Because I'm not a complete twat. But apparently the twats are among us. Maybe some of them even wrote this letter.

Whatever. Just leave me alone. I promise not to paint my bedroom purple, OK?

Men Can Be C*nts, Too

Ah, the social media are aflame with indignation.

No, Mr. Vice President. Indignant, not hold-me-back-Imma-kill-him
enraged. Dial it back.

And what is today's source of approbation and feather-ruffling?

It's this charming article on some website you never heard of by some guy you never heard of entitled "Why I'll Never Date a Feminist."

Here's the link, if you want to experience several mildly revolted chuckles.

Yes, it's another piece bashing feminism, written by someone who manifestly has no clue what feminism is but has decided it must be the key to his inability to have a fulfilling romantic relationship with a woman, it simply must be.

I told her she was smart for a chick, and now
she's mad. Goddamn feminazis, amiright?

That's why the author chose the provocative, aspirational title "Why I'll Never Date a Feminist" instead of the infinitely more accurate "Why Strong, Independent Women Aren't Attracted to Me After Hearing Two Minutes of My Uninformed Blather About How Strong, Independent Women Are the Devil."

Simply put, this article contains so much misinformation, so many tired stereotypes, and such a high level of casual misogyny that I seriously combed the website that published it to make sure I wasn't being duped by an unusually convincing satire page. Nope, it's for reals, although it's the kind of website that puts up a poll like this one:

This makes the classic leading question
"Have you stopped beating your wife?" seem
nuanced in comparison.

Anyway, I'm just going to thoroughly trash all this guy's angry, creepy assertions about feminism and, really, women in general. Because after all, people who berate feminists are essentially publicly casting their vote for a feminine ideal that is submissive, weak, and inherently inferior.

By the way, at this point I don't give a damn if you agree with me or not. My dander is up, people. So up.

You guys. I think I finally found the tattoo I want.

Let's dig into this dude's clueless rant, shall we?

If you look for a reason to hate men, chances are you’re going to find it.
Boom. Opening line. The old "feminists hate men" canard. Truth bomb #1: Feminism has nothing to do with hating men. I suppose there are women who identify as feminists who "hate" men. But feminism didn't teach them that. Truth bomb #2: Feminism has NOTHING TO DO WITH MEN. It's about empowering women. Which includes not allowing men to make every damn thing about them. That's not how equality works.

Men’s Rights Activists have taken flight with a new philosophy called "Red Pill" which aims to point out how derogatory, hypocritical and vindictive third-wave feminists can be.
Ah, yes. "Men's Rights." The "All Lives Matter" of gender politics: Let's pretend that when people whose rights have been violated demand their rights, our rights have been violated EVEN WORSE. I wonder if feminists won't date you because you consider them derogatory, hypocritical, and vindictive. Naaaah, must be because we really are derogatory, hypocritical, and vindictive. Le sigh.

By the way, click on that Red Pill subreddit link at your own risk. It probably won't make you hate men, but it will make you question why angry, disrespectful tools are given free reign on the Internet.

Women are more likely to graduate college, they live longer, are less likely to die in the workplace, less likely to go to prison and extremely less likely to die in war-time combat.
All that sounds pretty pro-woman, right? Go Team She! Until you realize that this sentence is presented a evidence that "[the justice system] fails men." Again, these are all positives (with the exception of the combat statistic, because until earlier this year military women weren't allowed to have active combat roles), which have been turned into negatives because we're succeeding in all these areas for the sole purpose of emasculating men. Obviously women get no intrinsic reward from success; all that matters is outdoing those icky men.

It's soooooo obvious.

People who are more loyal to their gender and not their significant other don’t make good partners.
I have no clue what this even fucking means. "People"? Who the hell are these "people"? This person (who is a feminist, have I not made that clear?) is loyal to people who are intelligent, kind, supportive, and loving. Those traits are by no means exclusive to any gender identity. Neither is being shallow, bitter, and ass-faced dumb. By the way, the writer spends his entire article being "loyal" to his own gender. What's that about you "rejecting" feminists? Riiiiight.

It’s evident that gender politics is hurting our culture. More marriages are failing and women are reporting that they’re unhappier now than ever.

Oh, marriages are failing because of gender politics! Of course! It has nothing to do with both men and women repudiating the outdated notion that marriage is forever, no matter how miserable you are. Nothing to do with both men and women realizing that they can be independent and self-sustaining. Nothing at all to do with the fact that divorce rates have actually been steady-to-declining for years now, you lie-spreading asshole. And as for women being unhappier than ever? Speaking anecdotally, I'm a) happier than I've been in many years and b) recently divorced.

Maybe one day, men and women will stop trying to eliminate the lines between us and realize it’s the differences between the sexes that make romance, family and love an enjoyable experience.
And we finish with the classic fallback myth about feminists: That we want men and women to be the same. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I don't want us to be the same. I don't want to have a penis, and I sure as hell don't want Drummer Boy to have a vagina. I don't want to look like a man, talk like a man, pee like a man, because I'm not a man. I'm a woman. And I'm a feminist. And I love being with a man, in all his sweaty, ball-scratching glory. I love being with my man specifically, because he's an amazingly good person who happens to have naughty bits that complement mine. I think everyone deserves an amazingly good person with whom they're romantically and sexually compatible.

And I think no one should be with a hate-filled jackhole who blames an entire gender for his/her own feelings of insecurity and fear. Not cool, random writer of this ridiculous article.

Your mileage may vary. But this feminist thinks men and women who aren't complete assholes are awesome people.

The Douche Rises

So it's bean post day, but I'm not doing a bean post.

I mean, the beans are fine. They're not producing any beans, but they're holding up in the Texas heat pretty well and I haven't managed to kill them.

So that's good.

But tonight I'm going to talk about something different.

Do you all remember the Aurora, Colorado movie theater shooting?

You know, on July 20, 2012, when 12 people were killed and 70 were injured during a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises because of this asshole?

Not even going to use his name. Asshole works fine.

This asshole is serving 12 life sentences, PLUS more than three thousand goddamn years, for what he did that night. He will die in prison, and my only hope is that prison officials don't find his body for several weeks after it happens, but rats do.

Anyway, the movie theatre where this tragedy occurred is operated by Cinemark, which is the third-largest theatre chain in America and happens to have its headquarters right up the road from me in Plano, Texas, land of tacky McMansions and abundant heroin.

Shown here: the slums of Plano.

I've spent many, many hours in Cinemark theatres. They tend to be large, well-appointed, and comfortable. They hold classic film series (Precocious Daughter and I watched the first two Godfather movies at a Cinemark theatre, and it was an awesome experience). They even host RiffTrax events, and if you're a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, that's a big damn deal.

Good on Cinemark, right?

Well, here's the thing.

Following the Aurora massacre, numerous victims and families of the deceased banded together and filed a lawsuit against Cinemark, alleging that the chain should have provided a more secure environment to prevent a crazy asshole from opening fire on innocent moviegoers.

I'm not going to comment on the validity of that lawsuit. Honestly, I'm not convinced that it's the responsibility of public entertainment venues to foresee and prevent any possible threats to their patrons. That seems too broad a mandate for a business that charges for access to its completely voluntary services.

We're not quite that Orwellian...yet.

However, the right of Aurora victims and their families to allege lax security at this Cinemark theatre is beyond reproach. This is how the American legal system works. A favorable verdict is never guaranteed, but a fair hearing is.

But after initial rulings in their favor, a jury did recently rule that the theatre chain could not be held responsible for the murders based on the level of security it provided. And agree or disagree, it can't be argued that Cinemark didn't receive fair consideration on the issue.

Yet Cinemark, perhaps emboldened by that victory, has taken things a step further.

They've filed a motion to order the victims' families to reimburse them for about $700,000 they spent preparing for the lawsuit that didn't happen.

To be clear: Dozens of individuals and families were devastated by the murderous acts of the asshole who opened fire in a Cinemark theatre. They sought a legal ruling on the liability of the theatre chain for not providing a safe environment. They were denied that ruling, and now the multimillion-dollar corporation wants the victims of a heinous mass murder to foot the bill for the costs it incurred preparing to defend itself against those allegations.

HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

Fucked up in the extreme is the correct answer.

Oh, Cinemark.

You don't have a monopoly on America's movie theatre options.

Not even close.

Me, I can go to an AMC theatre, or to the Angelika, or to any of a half-dozen dollar movie theatres in my immediate vicinity.

Hell, I can stay home and wait for movies to be available on pay-per-view or Blu-Ray.

I feel no need to patronize a corporation that expects victims of a tragedy to subsidize its legal fees.

And I won't.

And Drunkards...I know you will act in accordance with your respective consciences, so I won't ask you to join me or support me in my personal boycott of this despicable theatre chain.

I'm just saying that Cinemark will receive not a dime of my entertainment budget while it pursues blood money from the families of its customers.

Thanks for reading.

Confidential to Some of You: Fuck Off

To those of you who have asked me if I've finalized my divorce...

...who have hounded me to do so...

...who keep asking with all the concern of the detached...

...who are thinking it but not saying anything...

...who think maybe I don't want it after all...


This.

I'm sure you care. I'm equally sure you don't care.

Why the fuck you care I have no idea.

Very soon, the state will recognize that I am divorced.

Go State.

Until then...back off.

Back off, the rest of you motherfuckers.

I'm getting there, and I don't give a great goddamn if it agrees with your schedule.

Walk in my shoes, pay my bills, and raise my child if it really means that much to you.

Asshole.

Love you. Unless you're aforementioned asshole. In which case, you'e an asshole.

Right Click. Save Image. Share.

Is this on?

*taps microphone*

*feedback squeal*

Sorry about that.

OK. Ahem.

Attention, people who moan that letting individuals use the public restroom that corresponds to their gender self-identification will lead to an epidemic of sexual assaults by men "claiming they feel like a woman" as justification for ambushing females in the ladies' room:

Being a sex offender asshole is already illegal. And if you truly believe anybody would fall for the legal argument that "I woke up and suddenly felt like a woman so I went into the ladies' room and while I was there I raped a little girl," then you need to put your own repressed rape fantasies in check.

Thank you.

Please get this message out.

*gently sets mic down*

*kicks it across the stage*

Hello, Is It Christmas You're Looking For?

You guys, there's a War on Christmas.

A moment of silence, please, for the victims
of the Battle of Barbie Dream House.

But don't worry. America's prominent Republicans aren't just sitting around letting the godless enemy persecute Christians, tear down churches, and serve coffee in plain red cups. They're employing the most potent weapon in their arsenal to defend Christmas against certain annihilation: rhetoric.

Presidential front-runner Donald Trump...

...sorry, can't type that with a straight face...

Good one, though.

Anyway, The Donald announced at a rally, "If I become president, we're all going to be saying, 'Merry Christmas' again. That I can tell you."

Texas agriculture commissioner Sid Miller wrote on Facebook, "If one more person says Happy Holidays to me I just might slap them," adding graciously, "Either tell me Merry Christmas or just don't say anything." Which I think is advice his staff should take every time he asks them a question about budgets or policies or something. When does the new farm subsidy bill come up for a vote? "Merry Christmas." What time is the press conference? *silence* It might just make the agricultural commission run more smoothly, to be honest.

Leaving aside the issue of current and hopeful elected officials declaring a preferred religion in direct violation of the Constitution they've clearly never had anybody read to them, these people are idiots. By which I mean...no, I pretty much mean they're idiots.

It is distressing to Christian conservatives that America is no longer an overwhelmingly Christian nation but merely a mostly Christian nation (about 70% as of 2014). It's particularly distressing to them that other, non-Christian religions tend to be followed by a lot of damn black, brown, and yellow people. And in the multitude of those Americans freely practicing their religions and not really giving a shit about the story of Baby Jesus and the Three Wiseguys, the Christian right sees a vicious attack on their faith.

The battle cry of this sustained wave of anti-Christian violence is "Happy Holidays." Which clearly is Muslimese for "fuck your grandmother with an unsanitized dildo," judging by their offended reaction to the phrase. Every time someone says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," apparently an angel gets beaten to a pulp by a band of crazed Hindus. These are some evil words, for sure.

The thing is, I've lived in this embarrassingly and increasingly intolerant country for going on 48 years. And I remember that back in the day, there was a very common phrase used at Christmastime that didn't seem to freak anybody out. Its popularity has waned in recent years, but you used to see these words in advertising, on greeting cards, all the same places you now see "Happy Holidays," without Christians fearing that they were going to be stripped of all their sacred texts, like the Bible and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

Season's Greetings.

Hell, it doesn't even reference holidays at all. It's basically saying, "It's winter. Hello." Yet it used to be synonymous with "Merry Christmas" and was perfectly acceptable to everyone, even Republicans. I always thought it was a lovely sentiment, and I'm sorry it's not used more today. Especially since you can longer talk to some people about holidays without specifying the holy sacred Christian holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus with two months of sales on mattresses and luxury sedans.

So, to Donald and all of his Trump-minded supporters I say, You go right on saying Merry Christmas. Say it to Christians, to non-Christians, to pigeons if you want to make sure they're getting the message, too. Pander to your base. Celebrate your faith. Nobody is half as offended to hear it as you are to not hear it, I promise.

And I'll say Season's Greetings. Because it's winter. Hello.

Have a nice war.

God Bless Whatever

Let me explain succinctly yesterday's events in Garland, Texas.

Garland, by the way, is the Dallas suburb widely credited as being the inspiration for Arlen, the fictional suburb that was home to Hank Hill & Co. in Mike Judge's long-running series "King of the Hill."

Imagine four used-car lots and a pawn shop just out of shot,
and you've got Garland.

So yesterday a group calling itself the American Freedom Defense Initiative - which is considered a hate group by  organizations dedicated to identifying hate groups - held a "Draw a Mohammad Cartoon Because Muslims Consider That Offensive But Fuck That Because 'Murica" contest in Garland.

And of course their motives were totally pure and First Amendment and shit, because the venue where they held their event required them to spend $10,000 on private security in order to hold it. Because it's offensive to devout Muslims to portray Mohammad, but fuck that because we have tons of pictures of Jesus for the win.

Behold, my niggas. Me bless America. Fuck yea verily.

And then two radicalized Muslim assholes decided to shoot all the people because Muhammad is too fucking weak and stupid to stand up to some rednecks' attempt to mock him.

Muhammad is so much stronger than the assholes
who claim to worship him.

If you're keeping score, it's asshole conservative Christians who think the First Amendment gives them the right to be jackholes with impunity vs. asshole radicalized Muslims who think they  get to murder innocent people because their version of the Flying Spaghtetti Monster says it's OK.

Anyway, two assholes are dead, after attacking a bunch of assholes who deliberately set out to be offensive to a religious community that has been nothing but  peaceful and positive in the Dallas area.

I'm not really seeing a hero here.

But, like, god bless america for allowing people of differing faiths and cultures to act like fucking idiots, right?

Did I mention this whole story is about a bunch of assholes who claim to be on opposite sides but really are united by being assholes?

Whatever. I still think respecting people who are different from me is fine as long as they are respectful in their differences.

Which doesn't include trying to kill people, by the way.

I'm not from Texas.

Just putting that out there.