Monday, August 31, 2015

A Year and...What?

One year ago today, I got drunk on tequila, slashed my right forearm with a scissors, and announced I was quitting this blog.

The very next day, I woke up suffering from shingles. It defined my life for the next five months. Here's my advice about shingles: Don't get it. Seriously.

Wouldn't wish shingles on my worst enemy,
honest to God.
One year later, I would say I'm 98% over shingles. I still have random, unexplained facial itching. I still experience random puffiness in my eyes and face. And I'm still terrified that it will return, full-blown and announced, at any time.

But here's what bothers me even more.

A year ago, I was drinking way too much. My marriage was over yet still in limbo. My job was frustrating. I was in love with someone but nowhere near being in a real relationship. 

I came down with, and ultimately overcame, shingles during this period. But today, exactly one year later, I am still drinking way too much. My marriage is still over yet in limbo. My job continues to frustrate me. And I'm still in love with someone but nowhere near being in a real relationship.

So my question is:

What's to keep me from slashing my arm again?

What's to keep me from waking up tomorrow in terrible pain?

Why should I believe that anything changes for the better, ever?

Fuck that, or am I wrong?
I don't plan to slash my arm open tonight, so there's that. But not much else is significantly improved. Some things are even worse. This past weekend, I finally decided to cut ties with my emotionally abusive father. I'm too goddamned old to put up with being screamed at. Fuck that. No more father in my life.

In the hottest real estate market in a decade, I'm having massive difficulties selling my house. I could blame it on my almost-ex spouse, who made it a point to never have enough money to maintain our home. But there's no point in that. Blame sucks.

I just want to be happy. And I want you to be happy. I don't want anyone to have shingles, or to be stuck in a relationship that means nothing and goes nowhere.

I do want to thank every single person who has stuck with me over the last year. You've made everything worthwhile, I swear to glob.

I hope to actually write something meaningful this year. It's all for you.

And I hope we are all well and happy. Because we all freaking deserve it.

Love you.

No blood.


  1. I love you, and I know there are plenty of people in here who will reiterate that sentiment. Life sucks ass, but you are way stronger than you give yourself credit.

    Cut out the toxicity. Cut your losses with the house. Move forward with that wonderful girl you have.

  2. There are other people who feel similarly.

    I won't mention any names. But I manage to tell people, "I wopn't hurt myself today or tomorrow, at least. No guarantees after that," and that generally prevents them from getting too worried, which is fine because it's true.

    If we can all promise to stick it out a couple more days, eventually we'll hit a good patch.

    I hope things keep moving in the right direction for you.

  3. You have been making a lot of positive changes, though. You can't control the outcomes, but if you feel good about the choices, you're on the right path.

  4. This is why I keep coming back: you're an inspiration. That sounds cheesy and stupid, but it's true. You manage to keep moving forward in spite of horrendous obstacles. It's not enough, but I hope it helps that there are complete strangers who care about seeing you continue to move forward.

  5. Again, everyone else has already said it and better. So, I'll reiterate - hang in there! We're all pulling for you!

  6. Ditto, and ditto. When are you moving into your *apartment*?? That's what we want to hear about. Moving on!


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