Thursday, June 4, 2015

More Dick in 2016


Dick Perry is running for President of this hot-shit-awesome American nation! Again!

I haven't been this excited since the last time he ran for President!

It seems like only four years and a massive economic recovery ago.
As you may recall, former Governor Dick's last campaign did not result in his being elected to the White House. We re-elected the black guy instead. And it's a matter of opinion, of course, but mostly that seems to have worked out pretty well. I'm sure Dick Perry would have done an even better job, based on his plan to reduce the tax code to a postcard. And this speech.

But campaigning is hard. And apparently the American people are really touchy about their Presidential candidates summing up policy positions with the word "oops."

I just watched this again, and I actually cringed. That is powerful performance art right there, people. Maybe we simply didn't appreciate his nuanced message last time around. Or maybe he was a bumbling maladroit with great hair. That line is so, so fine.

But have no fear, Dick lovers! This Dick Perry is not the same bumbling, stumbling, quite possibly inebriated candidate who went from conservative poster boy to living sad-trombone-sound in near-record time during the 2012 election. Not by a long shot.

This time he has glasses.

And, uh, a great big pretty airplane. Which he rented for the occasion, because the current administration's bungled policies have made it nearly impossible for the average hard-working politician to realize the American dream of C-130 ownership. Thanks, Obama.

Also shown: Rented Dick Perry supporters.

And get this, people; Dick Perry has been studying up. He's been learning the hard stuff, like the branches of government and what cabinet departments are called and whether or not he can impose martial law while "Game of Thrones" is on so he doesn't have to pause it in the middle to deal with presidentin' shit.

He's learned that people like farms and veterans and puppies, and not so much poverty and injustice and blatant discrimination against racial, religious, and sexual minorities.

He hasn't figured out a legal alternative to gulags for those people, but it's early days. Even Ronald Reagan made some terrible movies before he got the hang of blaming the poor for their problems.

"This proves I like black people, right, Nancy?"
But gosh, there's so much to do now. I need to spruce up my Dick Perry for President page, and design new campaign buttons, and find pictures of Dick Perry making derp faces.

Fortunately, that last one is not so difficult.
I hope Dick Perry has a long, long campaign. Like, at least until Christmas. Maybe he'll even make it to 2016 in his bid for the 2016 nomination. I'm a crazy dreamer. But I've got Dick Perry's back.

Tell me... do you support Dick?

1 comment:

  1. How could I not support Dick when in the picture of him in front of his airplane there's a guy holding an American flag who's crying? Or laughing. Or about to sneeze. Or having a seizure. All of these things are possible when you're standing to the right of Dick. Dick is already so far to the right that if you move over any further anything's possible.


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