The Worst Hangover I Ever Had

Not long ago, I talked to my physician about my drinking. We discussed various health risks and strategies for managing it, etc. The thing that sticks in my head is when she told me, "The last thing we want to do with someone who drinks as much as you do is to have you go cold turkey."

Medical-bitch, please. I'm the queen of cold turkey.

Completely unsolicited endorsement:
Worth1000.com is one of my favorite websites.

Not to belittle anyone who has gone through alcohol withdrawal symptoms - because as you'll understand in a minute, I know from withdrawal symptoms - but, as the old joke goes, I'm an expert at quitting drinking. I've done it a million times.

My withdrawal symptoms when I stop drinking run the gamut from not sleeping well for a night or two to...no, that's about it. Forty-eight hours of restless nights and weird dreams, and then I feel great. I actually enjoy not drinking at all. And I enjoy drinking a lot. It's drinking a little bit that sucks.

An oldie but a goodie.

But that's not what I'm talking about tonight. Right now I'm suffering from terrible withdrawal symptoms related to an entirely different addictive substance.

I haven't been drinking coffee lately.

Liquid crack, in its bean state.

It wasn't really a conscious decision. It's just that I really like coffee, so I tend to drink it by the potful, and as I get older, it's starting to tear my stomach up. In a nutshell, the thing I drink when I'm hungover has started to make me feel worse than the hangover. So most mornings for the last week or so, when I ask myself, "Hey...coffee?" the answer has been, "Nah, I'll just drain this five-gallon water cooler, thanks."

A charming stock photo of a little girl drinking
water from a...pilsner glass. What.

And then this morning, after several days without coffee - and even though I typically have a caffeinated Coke Zero in the evening - I got hit with the Monster Headache of Achingskullsylvania.

All damn day this beast sat on my brain and squeezed my tender think-bits. It was horrible.

Vodka never did this to me - not when I drank it, not when I stopped drinking it.

Vodka doesn't get all up in my business.

Tomorrow I'm totally caving into the beast. I'm going to straight to the coffeemaker in the morning and brewing myself some anti-headache potion.

I'm an addict. I'm weak.

How come there's not a 12-step program for java?*

*Because the coffee lobby has a stranglehold on Congress and is forcing its caffeinist agenda down the throat of true Americans and...oh, sorry, I've been reading a lot of crap about the Hobby Lobby decision today. Last thing I want to do is place my coffee addiction in the hands of the same "higher power" that thinks women should stay at home and wait for their man's company-funded Viagra to take hold.**

**hehehehehe