Monday, June 23, 2014

Let's Talk About, Um, Er, S-E-X

Listen up, Drunkards. I'm going to share everything I know about sex.

This won't take long.

We'll do this in a Q&A format. Because why not. Here goes...

Q: What makes you an expert on sex?
A: I've been having the sex for 26 years, four months, and 21 days. Not continuously. In fact, less and less continuously as time has gone on. Almost never these days, really. But I've enjoyed having the sex for definitely some of those years. Hardly ever right now. But yeah. Next question.

Q: So are you just a bitter, lonely woman giving sex advice?
A: I don't think I'm bitter just yet. But I'm definitely lonely. Oh so lonely. We make the best experts.

Q: about some sex advice, then?
A:  Number one: Don't marry the first person you have sex with.

Q: Did you do that?
A: I did. And now my entire concept of sex is based on one person's proclivities. For example, I think I deserve to be punched in the stomach during sex.

Q: Wait, what?
A: The stomach, the breasts, the solar plexus. It's only fair. I mean, if I'd wanted to punch him during sex, he would have let me.

Q: Did you ever do that?
A: Punch my sexual partner during intercourse? No, of course not. What the fuck kind of nonsense is that?

Q: So what else?
A: Well, as Pat Benatar sang, stop using sex as a weapon. That's good advice. Of course, Pat also sang "love is a battlefield" and "hit me with your best shot." So Pat Benatar is a terrible role model for sexual attitudes, actually. And she wore too much blush. Forget about Pat Benatar.

Purple tiger stripes? So 1980.
Q:  How do you know if you're sexually compatible with someone?
A: Wow, great question. Someone should totally answer that.

Q: Aren't you the expert?
A: Right. Right. So...sexual compatibility. I think it has to do with finding someone who actually wants to have sex with you. Yes, I'm pretty sure that's key. Pro tip: If someone merely says they want to have sex with you, but makes no move to actually, you know, have sex with you, then it's possible you're not sexually compatible with that person. Even if you really, really, really, really like each other.

Q: Is there a name for this phenomenon?
A: The kids call it "friendzoning." I call it "fuck, I will never try to be close to anyone ever again." Because when your only two sexual experiences are being treated like a whore and being treated like a cardboard cutout, aversion is a pretty natural reaction.

Q: Do you believe there's someone for everyone?
A: Yes, as long as everyone is willing to be desperately unhappy.

Q: Should I hold out for the perfect sex partner, or should I take sex off the table as a criterion for a significant other?
A: First of all, sex on tables is uncomfortable, so yeah, take that shit somewhere else. But as far as a perfect sex partner...invest in a couple of good vibrators. They never say no.

Q: Any final thoughts?
A: Sex and love are completely different things. Decide which one you want, and pursue it without fail. Don't get depressed if you don't have both. Nobody has fucking both. Make your choice and stick with it.

Also, don't let anyone hit you or ignore you. You're way better than that. Yes, you are. Let me know if you need to be reminded, and I'll remind you. You deserve so much more.

Expert out.

1 comment:

  1. So. OK. My advice. Craigslist - Casual Encounters. I'm not saying it's good advice.


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