Sunday, May 11, 2014

Couples Therapy with the Brickell-Simons

Things in New Canaan, Connecticut have calmed down since April 26th, when singer-songwriter-strange-bedfellows Paul Simon and Edie Brickell were arrested for disorderly conduct following a domestic incident.

Or, as I call them, Dorf and Eddie Van Halen.

Aside: If I were married to Paul Simon, I would never in a million years hit or shove him, no matter how annoying he got. Because he's Paul Simon. I would hug him and love him and squeeze him and call him Al. Geez, Edie.

Anyway, Paul has accepted an award from New York University, and Edie has gone back to her concert tour with Steve Martin (apparently the guys in New Bohemians are shit out of luck with regard to a reunion, so long as there are old guys Edie can explore her daddy issues with. With whom Edie can explore her daddy issues. Whatever.) It's all good, apparently.

I happen to know that Mr. and Mrs. Brickell-Simon invested in some marital counseling to help them resolve the issues behind their spat. And I have exclusive details of just how that went down. Really. No, really.


Therapist: All right, why don't we begin with you, Mrs. Simon?

Edie: Do I look like his mother? I'm Ms. Brickell.

Therapist: My apologies, Ms. Brickell. I -

Edie: I mean, I'm still a vibrant woman! It just happens that my husband is much older than I am. I'm nowhere near his age, got it?

Paul: Zzzzz.

Edie: Wake up, Paul! We're in counseling. (shakes him gently by the shoulder)

Paul: Zzz - what?! Don't shove me any more! I'm sorry about the bedsheets! Koo-koo-ca-choo!

Therapist: All right, well. Ms. Brickell, why don't you explain what happened on the day of the...incident?

Edie: I just lost my cool, you know? I mean, I love my husband. And I have no problem with the fact that he's sold millions more records than I have, or that he still sells out concerts, or that he's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or that he's been on "Saturday Night Live" five times and I've only been on once, or...What was I saying?

Therapist: You love your husband.

Edie: Right! And I do. But it's not easy being married to Paul Simon, you know.

Paul: I'm not the kind of man who tends to socialize.

Edie: That! That right there is what I'm talking about!

Therapist: I don't understand. He merely said...

Paul: I seem to lean on old familiar ways.

Edie: Goddamn it, Paul, you know I hate when you do that!

Therapist: Now, wait just a minute. Mr. Simon, do you want to expand on this thought?

Paul: I ain't no fool for love songs that whisper in my ears.

Edie: Don't encourage him, doctor. He does this all the time, it drives me crazy.

Paul: Still crazy after all these years.

Edie: Aauugh!!

Therapist: Mr. Simon, let's explore your feelings for your wife, shall we? What would you like to say to her?

Paul: First thing I remember when you came into my life, I said I'm gonna get that girl no matter what I do.

Therapist: That's a lovely sentiment.

Edie: It's not a sentiment! It's a goddamn lyric from 30 years ago! He hardly ever speaks to me, he just quotes lyrics from his old songs!

Therapist: Mr. Simon, how do you react to your wife's feelings about this?

Paul: All my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity, like emptiness and harmony. I need someone to comfort me.

Edie: I never even liked that fucking song.

Therapist: Ms. Brickell, your husband says he feels mediocre and empty. He needs comforting. Do you think you provide that for him?

Edie: Provide? I provide him with love and companionship and a bottle of Ensure every morning. I gave him three beautiful children and someone to share his golden years with. And he can't even come up with a way to say "Good morning" that he didn't think of before I was born!

Paul: Hear my words that I might teach you. Take my arm that I might reach you.

Edie: I give up.

Therapist: Now, wait. I think there is a very loving relationship here. You can get past your problems if you just communicate.

Edie: Do you really think so?

Therapist: Yes, of course. Besides, think of the children.

Paul: Think of the boy in the bubble and the baby with the baboon heart.

Edie: That's it. I'm going back on tour with Steve Martin.


OK, clearly they have some work to do. But it's a start. Maybe Paul should make Edie a nice dinner sometime. You know, something with parsely, sage, rosemary, and maybe some other herb.


  1. Or he could, I don't know, give her diamonds to stick on the soles of her shoes.

    But they'd scratch the floor something awful, and/or wear through the shoes and get to work on her feet.

  2. He does it for her love. Seriously.

  3. Based on the picture above it would appear that Edie Brickell is still incapable of standing up straight. That was the main thing I noticed about her back when she and The New Bohemians were a big thing. She was either crouching or leaning sideways.

    Thank you for pointing out Simon's resemblance to Dorf, though. Now I look at her and all I can think is, yeah, she does look kind of like Vincent Schiavelli...


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