Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Are You Ready for Mooseageddon?

So I just read where two women in Colorado were attacked by a moose.

Unconfirmed reports suggest the moose
did not act alone.

They're both going to be OK, although they may never enjoy Moose Tracks ice cream the same way again. Once you've had literal moose tracks left on your body, that ribbon of fudge loses some of its sweet delight, I would assume.

In light of this incident, I'm sure many of you have wondered how you would personally react to a moose attack. You have, haven't you? I'm not the only one whose co-workers found her slack-jawed and glassy-eyed, contemplating the horrors of moose abuse over lunch, right?

At least, that's what they found me contemplating slack-jawed
and glassy-eyed this time. It's always something.

No? For Christ's sake, people, wake up. The moose uprising has begun, and you're worried about whether Kim Kardashian is rushing into marriage with Kanye too quickly, or whether the fragile government of Thailand can regroup and resist the imposition of martial law before a military dictatorship takes hold? This is important.

So...What would you do if you found yourself on the receiving end of a moose attack?

Do tell, puny human.

For example, would you yell, "Holy shit I'm being stomped by a giant fucking moose!"

As I would.

Or would you perhaps opt to take defensive action by yelling, "Get your big stompy feet off me, you goddamn antlered behemoth!" This approach has the advantage of being less passive and submissive toward the animal, offset by the possible disadvantage of further enraging the moose so that he drops you with the moose version of a pile driver.


Experts say that you should respond to aggressive behavior from a moose by avoiding eye contact and walking away. To which I say, "moose muffins!"

Mostly just because I wanted to use this picture.

That advice doesn't work when the hot cart wrangler at Target catches you looking at his butt, and it won't work with an angry moose, either. Because the moose, much like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, won't be ignored. This is Mooseageddon. It's on.

There's only one way to deal with a vengeful moose: Charge it head-on, leap over its flailing antlers, flip your body to an upright-forward facing position, clamp your legs firmly around its massive torso, wrap your arms around its neck, and ride it like a bucking bronco until finally it collapses, exhausted and ready to accept your dominance. At which point you can gently rub its furry moosejaw until it begins to purr softly, give it a kiss, and lead it home on a leash.

Where it will be your faithful companion and protector.
We must tame and domesticate these rampaging beasts before they enslave us all, or possibly stomp us to death. Follow my step-by-step instructions, and you could be a hero in the Moose Wars.

Scoff, and our post-Mooseageddon fate will be sealed.

It's up to you.


  1. If Moosegeddon can make Americans use the metric system, as in the last picture, then all hail the Invincible Moose! Power to Thy Avenging Hooves!

  2. A Møøse once bit my sister ...

    (someone had to say it)


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