Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Random Post from the Road

Just a few observations as I get ready to fly home from my first business trip in five years.

1. About 90% of my trepidation about this trip was wondering how bad the security checkpoints had gotten in the last five years. Because, you know, I hate taking off my shoes in public (I suffer from Hideous Feet Syndrome). Also, I usually do something wrong when I put my stuff on the conveyor belt - do my shoes go in the tote or on the belt? cell phone stays in the purse or not? STOP JUDGING ME, TSA EMPLOYEES. And the last time I flew, they hadn't come up with the grand idea of x-raying me in case I had a shiv up my hooha. Can't I just sign a note promising that I won't take off my pants during the flight so I can access a hidden weapon of stabbery?

Ugh. Anyway, security turned out to be total non-issue. I put everything in the tote, the nice TSA lady groped my right ankle (wearing latex gloves, a smart move when in proximity of my feet), and away I went. And here at Logan, I didn't even have to take anything out of my bag! Take that, evildoers! You're not the boss of us! Boston Strong, motherfuckers!

2. Last weekend, Precocious Daughter and I watched the movie Flight. The timing on that was maybe not so great. On the one hand, I was totally confident that if we ran into unexpected turbulence, Denzel Washington would pull us through. On the other hand, if you're familiar with the movie, I have two words for you: minibar scene. I was much less worried about a plane crash than I was about what might happen if I were confronted with a fully-stocked minibar in my hotel room. Turns out my company is far too cheap to put me up in a hotel fancy enough to have in-room booze. Thus I was able to remain happily sober for the two days I was here. Which is a good thing, as I would have completely embarrassed myself in front of my colleagues. Because their ability to drink like goddamn Atlantic cod in the middle of the week put mine to shame. No way I was going to take on a bunch of seasoned Yankees in a game of Who Can Hold Their Liquor? These people are legendary.

3. I was not able to put my song about Mr. and Mrs. Edie Brickell and Their Adventures in Domestic Violence to music while I was here. I was just too tired after a night of pretending to be a lively and engaged professional person to do anything but fall asleep on the multitude of comfy pillows I was provided. Eight pillows, just for little old me? So sweet. But I do intend to record it for your listening horror bemusement at some point. As soon as I have some time to myself, uninterrupted, with no one listening. Say, 2018.

4. I had lunch at a place called Wahlburger's, which apparently is owned Mark, Donnie, Paul, Marlon, and Tito Wahlburg and has its own reality show. Everyone in my group had to sign a waiver because they were filming inside, although the only camera I saw disappeared about two minutes after we sat down, so I doubt I'll be making my TV debut on the show. I had a haddock sandwich, because when in Boston, you have to eat seafood. It was OK. I met some dude named Nacho, who I guess is a friend of Marky Mark's. Seems like a nice guy, although he accused one of my co-workers of touching his butt. 

5. People in Boston really do say "wicked" and "pahk the cah," so I will no longer feel bad about employing these stereotypes when impersonating people in Boston. Remember, behind every stereotype are a bunch of people who actually talk and act exactly the way you expected them to.  

In conclusion, I'm sorry there are no pictures in this post. But I hate the touchpad on my laptop and I don't have a mouse. So open another tab and Google "damn clever pictures about travel, minibars, feet, celebrities, and Marky Mark." Then look at the first five pictures you see. Boom, you're a blogger. 

OK, going to read the Nelson DeMille paperback I just bought (time-honored Baudelaire tradition when flying) and see if they push back my flight even further. Latah, Drunkahds.



  1. Going to Wahlburgers is the only reason I want to go to Boston. I'm going to marry that Donnie New Kid.

  2. Ok, now it's time to post a picture of your feet*. Stop talking about them and show them so we can judge for ourselves.


  3. I went to Boston U, so I have a great fondness for the town. Too bad everyone there is 18 years old (which was great when I was 18, but now, not so much).


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