Thursday, April 10, 2014


Here's what's been going on since I wrote some of my recent posts. Because you've probably been on tenterhooks wondering.

Tenterhooks. That's an amazing word.

This is not a tenterhook. But it should be.

On the subject of Ted Nugent: He remains holed up somewhere, cowering in fear of me. OF ME. His Twitter feed has been completely silent since I launched #TedNugentBeatdown. And get this: the last time his website was updated was the very day I first announced my intention to kick Teddy's ass in a violent and embarrassing public forum. Radio silence, even after the newest flap about some poor small town regretting the hell out of asking him to come sing for them.

Coincidence? No way, uh-uh. I've got the Motor City Moron on the run.

On the subject of my cat's personal ghost: On closer inspection, and as suggested by Drunkard
linaThumbe, it's just barely possible that what I thought was a photograph of a spectral manifestation was actually my bedroom's ceiling fan reflected in my laptop screen. I still maintain that the preponderance of evidence totally points to ghost. But I'm willing to entertain alternative theories.
As long as they include me seeing a ghost.
On the subject of sewing: Drunkards BekS and Smee are trying to pull me into a Stitch and Bitch party. Smee is posting more patterns on her Facebook page. Dear God, I started rummaging through my pattern stash last night. This is exactly how a recovering junkie feels when Lindsay Lohan sends him a friend request, isn't it? (And a personal aside to BekS and Smee: It's not reluctance to sew that keeps me from RSVPing. It's that you expect me to socialize. Can't I be alone with my addiction?)

All I need is a presser foot and some fusible interfacing.
I'm fine.

On the subject of my car: Still no word from the insurance company. More importantly, still no check. They can keep their damn words, I just want money. Unless anyone knows of a car dealership that will accept words as a down payment. In that case, I can afford a damn Mercedes.

If not...
Finally, on the subject of random facts: I loved the response I got to that post. If I promise to do another random facts post, do you guys promise to leave more really entertaining comments about spiders and the Banana Splits and whatnot? I hope my Drunkards know that every comment I get makes me feel like the first time I touched myself while listening to David Bowie. Um...that's a good feeling. Am I oversharing? But that's kind of my point, so...reader comments make me feel like getting off to an androgynous 70s rock star.

Honestly, it's a compliment.

OK, gotta go. If anyone has Teddy Nugget's phone number, pass it along. I'll give you a credit.


  1. Come sew. I expect no talking at all. We'll be in the same room, but that doesn't mean we have to talk. My god, what kind of introverted heathen do you think I am???

    I'll just FB you from the other side of the room :D

    And for the record, I'm seriously disappointed in the Nuge. I fully expected him to show up wearing underwear made of live badgers, all the while shooting snakes off his bow as if they were arrows. Instead, he's gone to Way of the Chick and is giving you the silent treatment. I think The Nuge needs to change his name to The Douche.

  2. Maybe you ought to take a page out of Archie Moore's book. When Moore wanted to get Rocky Marciano to fight him, but Rocky kept ignoring the challenge, Moore put up pictures of Marciano in convict garb saying something along the lines of "Sheriff Moore wants Rocky Marciano".

    Let's see if it works on Nugent.

  3. Thank you for finally resolving the troubling problem of "what the heck are tenterhooks?" I can sleep nights now.

  4. It's ironic that you would use the term "tenterhooks" while talking about sewing because according to the OED a tenterhook is a hook on a tenter. Oh, thanks a lot, OED. Like I couldn't figure that out. Wait, there's a link. A tenter is "A wooden framework on which cloth is stretched after being milled, so that it may set or dry evenly and without shrinking."

    It's also one of those words that I avoid using because I'm afraid of mispronouncing it and sounding stupid. I'm afraid of sounding like one of those people who says "libary" or "armandillo". Although seeing "tenterhooks" written I'm pretty confident about how it's pronounced, and if I hear one of those people say "tenderhooks" again I will probably vomit out my spine. Through my navel.

    Unless one of those people is Gertrude Stein, in which case I'll assume she's talking about a sequel to her earlier book, and that her "tenderhook" looks like a horse drawn by a Japanese artist.

  5. Oh, the OED is so clever! (Chuck B. will probably join me in putting money down on a bet that the OED definition of "abode" is "[you know,] where you abide.")

    Also, I'm a little ashamed to say that up until reading this post, I always thought the word was actually "tenderhooks." In my mind, it made sense. When I am anxiously awaiting something, I feel pretty tender and hooked by that feeling of unease. Sorry, Christopher, if I caused you unnecessary episodes of GI, spinal, and belly-button distress.



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