Saturday, March 15, 2014

I'm Pretty Sure I Can Levy Taxes and Baptize Babies, Too

Who has two thumbs and the power to administer oaths and take depositions in the State of Texas?

Sorry, Batman, that's only one thumb.

Better, but no.
(OK, now check out Thumbs and Ammo, a hilarious blog
of Photoshopped movie stills.)

Anyway, the answer is...this girl right'chere!

Check it out: I'm a Notary Public, bitch!

IRL name artfully blocked out.
They wouldn't let me use Chuck Baudelaire as my
notary name. Whatevs.
I'm all up in your documents, witnessing your signature and whatnot. Anything you say is a big fat lie until I put my stamp of approval on it. YOLO! 
Yo, Drake, you sorry you ever said that now?
Yeah, I'm basically a ninja now. I'm an official Officer of the State of Texas. Says who? Says no less than the man, the legend, the guy I didn't vote for: Governor Dick Perry!
Dick Perry: Proving once and for all that these
are not hipster glasses.
Hey, check this out. So Dick's signature graces my notary commission paper certificate thingy.
My first thought when I saw this was, Dude uses a signature font on state documents? WTF?
But you know what? That weird block-printed string of letters is his actual signature. Which, honestly, is no less WTF-worthy.
I can't describe it any better than activist Greg Newburn, who famously tweeted, "Rick Perry's signature looks like a Muppet wrote it."
And while he's got a point, there is a certain elegance to
Kermit's that is missing from Gov. Perry's careful
third-grade printing.
But hey, no matter. With that childish scrawl, I am a Note a Republic. Er, a Noter of Public. Wait, a No to Republicans.
I'm the bitch that is gonna stamp your documents what need stamping.
And I'm going to do it for free. Because the state says if I charge money I have to keep a whole set of books on that mess.
I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm the People's Notary. I don't do this for the money. I do it for the insane amounts of power. And the cool stamp.
Also, to be a notary, you have to be bonded. I don't even know what that means, but I'm hoping at some point it involves Matthew McConaughey and a lasso. I'll keep you posted.
So if you have any serious legal paperwork requiring the sober reflection and responsible witness of a Texas Notary can come to me instead. I love to use stamps.
Accepted by any court in the state. I'm pretty sure.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go practice my notarizing signature. I'm hoping it ends up Gonzo-esque.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.