Monday, March 17, 2014

Five Things Only I Know About Jesus published a story on its Belief Blog called "5 Things You Didn't Know About Jesus."

The article, while entertaining, is pretty anticlimactic. Jesus came from a shitty little town! He didn't want to die! He worked his butt off before he was famous!

Join the club, Jesus. That's the story of my life, and no one's claiming to see me in a tortilla.

If you see Jesus in this dog's butthole,
you are totally going to Hell.
I'll see you there.

If you want the real scoop on Jesus, you came to the right place. I can't divulge my sources, but I've dug up five things you really didn't know about the Son of God. Listen up.

1. Jesus' middle name doesn't begin with H. Actually, it's Clark. That's why people refer to him as J.C. Because his last name isn't Christ, duh.

Don't be fooled by amateurish forgeries.

2. Jesus really was a blue-eyed white guy. All of you historical purists who insist that Jesus wouldn't have looked like that because lived in the Middle East, he was a Semite, he would have looked like an ugly-ass camel jockey, you can all go pound sand. Of course Jesus was a tall, willowy, delicate-featured dude with pale skin and hair like Jared Leto's. It's a freaking miracle! Who would believe he was the Messiah if he looked like every other asshole hammering together cabinets in the desert?

Oh come all ye faithful, if you know what I mean.

3. Jesus invented pesto. He hated the taste of unleavened bread, so one day when he was fooling around in the kitchen (because he was a talented amateur chef), he mashed together some oil, spices, and pine nuts to make a dipping sauce. And lo, that shit was tasty. Then the Church ended up being headquartered in Rome, and the Italians claimed it as their own. Bastards.

Keep your friends close
and your recipes closer.

4. Jesus was allergic to incense. When he was just two weeks old he got a wicked case of hives from the frankincense King Balthasar brought him. For the rest of his life he couldn't stand to be around the stuff. Yet for 2,000 years we've been filling the air with incense in the very churches we built to worship him. Which is roughly equivalent to giving your alcoholic uncle a gift certificate for a distillery tour to celebrate his three-month sobriety chip. And Jesus really doesn't know how it got around that he liked it, although he suspects it was Peter making shit up to sound cool.

What in My name was I thinking when I let that guy
be an apostle?

5. Jesus never wore "Jesus sandals."

Because he is Lord and Savior,
not some hipster douchebag.

What's more, he's pretty pissed that we keep attaching his name to those nasty hippie things, and he's not coming back until we knock it off. So there.


  1. I totally saw you not on a tortilla, but in some vodka soaked pound cake.

    Swear to Jesus Clark.

  2. ¿Que? ¿Not Jesus Casales? ¡Caramba!


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