Advice for the Consciously Uncoupled

Dear Chris Martin of Coldplay:

I hear you and your wife, actor and blogger Gwyneth Paltrow, have separated.

You should have been more supportive.
By which I mean, buy her a bra already.

As it happens, I know exactly what you're going through, Chris Martin of Coldplay. I'm separated from my spouse, too. We're not rich, or famous, or photogenic, the way you and Gwynnie are. We don't have wildly successful careers to sustain us, or millions of fans, the way you do. Nobody is discussing the intimate details of our lives on the Internet, the way they are yours.

But we've both failed at marriage. It's like we're soulmates.

I mean, I'm not a pop-culture icon. But still.

Chris Martin of Coldplay, I feel so bad for you. Because it really, really sucks when the person you thought you would be with forever invents a pretentious phrase for dumping you and posts it online for the world to see. I assume. Seems that way to me from my obscure corner of the universe, anyway.

It's too late to point out that none of this would have happened if you and I had hooked up instead of you and her and me and him. So I won't. It's true, but...no regrets.

I love you for your inner beauty. Honest.

I want to make you feel better, Chris Martin of Coldplay. My preferred method would be to give you a hot-oil massage on my dining-room table. But I understand that you're busy and emotionally fragile and don't know where I live. So instead I will give you this. I will try to fix you.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

 

What's that? Those are lyrics to a song you wrote?

 

Oh, Chris Martin of Coldplay, you put on such a brave face.

 

I'll let us both believe that. Because you're hurting.

 

*Hugs*