Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Winter Happens, People

There is a Winter Storm Alert in effect for North Texas. We are expecting below-freezing temperatures and freezing rain/sleet over the next several days.

This was probably taken in, like, June.
People in these parts go freaking nutbags over the threat of winter weather. Granted, Texas doesn't get winters like the ones I experienced growing up in Wisconsin. I know that. On the other hand, this isn't exactly a tropical region. It gets relatively cold. Freezing precipitation falls. Most winters, we even get measurable snowfall at least once.

Dafuq is this?!
And every damn year, people act as if they fear anarchy and/or cannibalism in their own homes at the slightest chance of wintry conditions. And they respond by doing what Texans do best: Rushing out to buy shit.

I know this because I needed exactly three things to tide me over in case the weather actually does become too inclement to venture out: A full tank of gas, a gallon of milk, and a bottle of vodka. The gas and vodka were no problem. Then I went to Target to buy milk (OK, and a 12-pack of Coke Zero, because that happens to be a necessity in any type of weather).

I realize this has nothing to do with the foregoing, but I was
looking for an image to illustrate the concept of WTF?, and this
came up, and it was way too good to ignore.
So there were approximately 62,000 people at Target, all acting the way I imagine the Nazis acted when they realized the Allied forces had them surrounded.  Seriously, you would think we were expecting Mt. Vesuvius to erupt Hurricane Sandy all over us, instead of a couple of freezing rainfalls.

This inspired me to compose a few Tips for Texans Who Apparently Forget What Winter Is Every Single Year and So Are Forced to Believe It Literally Is Synonymous with the End Times.

I hope they are edifying.

Tips for Texans Who Apparently Forget What Winter Is Every Single Year
and So Are Forced to Believe It Literally Is Synonymous with the End Times
1. Was it not Thanksgiving less than a week ago? Do you not have so much goddamned food in your home that Pope Francis weeps thinking about how many poor people he could feed with the leftovers you've already thrown away?
2.  Please try to remember that the temperature has been close to eighty degrees the last few days. The odds that the roads are going to get cold enough to chill a beer, let alone accumulate deadly amounts of ice or snow, are roughly equivalent to the Cowboys making it past the first round of the playoffs.
3.  I understand that you want to make sure you have staples like milk, bread, etc. on the off chance that you can't leave the house for a day or two. But you people who decided that you just had to buy Elf on the Freaking Shelf and 16 rolls of wrapping paper the day before a major storm system rolls in? Do you understand what priorities are, or do you simply react to instinct like wolves every day of your life?
4.  Just because you feel you need to buy tortilla chips to tide you over during Texas Snowmageddon doesn't mean you get to roll 87 items into the express lane.
5.  There is no need to wear tights, boots, and three sweaters when it is still 68 degrees outside. Your body will not store the heat for when the cold front comes in tomorrow night.
6.  Similarly, no one admires your intestinal fortitude because you're wearing a wife-beater and flip-flops as if it were the middle of August. Also, you look like a complete douche.
7.  Get that goddamned worried look off your face. If you were stupid enough to buy 12 pairs of suede boots and not a single pair that might actually stand up to a little precipitation, that's your problem. Don't make the rest of us suffer through your buyers' remorse.
8.  Don't cut in line, or bellow like a wounded water buffalo when someone cuts in front of you. You don't even need to be here. The world is not ending.
9.  Why the hell are you buying 120 bottles of water and no firewood? Do you understand the elements and how they work?
10.  Texas is flat. You will never have to walk anywhere uphill in the snow, let alone uphill both ways, the way I had to when I was growing up, grumble grumble.
Get off my frozen lawn.
And keep your pets inside, Texans. They deserve to be warm, too.


  1. I live in Florida. It is exactly like that here too. But Ionly get about 3 days a year to really be able to wear a sweater, boots, and tights. So i'll wear them when it's 68 degreea out so they get se use. Plus, I have thin blood and 75 is cold to me. My husband makes fun of me for, but he is from Ohio.

  2. Living as I do in Tennessee I've had similar experiences with binge shoppers. My favorite, though, was when my regular grocery day fell the day before a predicted snowfall. People were running amok, but a gentleman with an English accent stopped me to ask where he could find cat litter. I told him but added that it was traditional in this area to also stock up on bread, eggs, milk, and toilet paper.

    He smiled and said, "I shall be sure to get those items as well. When in Rome one must do as the Nashvillians do."

    I never saw him again, and I suspect he was devoured alive by his neighbors. But he brightened up one winter's day for me.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.