Monday, December 30, 2013

2013, in the Nuttiest of Shells

Any year in which your marriage falls apart cannot be called a good year. I just now made that rule up.

In keeping with this, 2013 was not a good year.

But it had its moments.

Like, remember when Anthony Weiner burst back onto the political scene by running for mayor of New York City, and then it turned out he was still taking pictures of his dong and talking dirty to random chicks on the Internet and calling himself Carlos Danger?

That was cool.

Then there was the lady who stabbed her roommate for the totally defensible reason that he wouldn't stop playing awful, terrible music by the Eagles. She is my hero.

Texas Governor Dick Perry announced that he would end the state's long, long nightmare by not seeking another term as Head Froot Loop. If only all the other Froot Loops would follow him out of the bowl. Offically, he's planning another hilarious run at the Presidency for 2016. Unofficially, as hard as it seems to believe, he just may have run out of ridiculous douchey shit to do. Or maybe it's just awfully hard to stand out in a state where such a large proportion of government officials are doing douchey shit every day.

Some terrible things happened, like when Olympic runner Oscar "Blade Runner" Pistorius maybe-maybe not shot his girlfriend to death while she was sitting on the toilet because he thought she was a burglar who had decided to stop and take a pee in the middle of a home invasion. But since I wasn't much in a romantic mood at the time, it made a pretty good Valentine.

President Obama did everything wrong, according to the fair and balanced reporters on Fox News. But by far the worst thing he did all year was to put his foot on his desk in the Oval Office. His godless socialist Muslim foot. I can't believe I voted for this guy twice.

The MTV Music Video Awards happened. And that nice girl who played Hannah Montana and that nice boy whose dad was on "Growing Pains" got together and sang a duet. Full disclosure: I was actually walking the dog while the Twerk Heard Round the World was going on. But I did see the *NSYNC reunion. And so did a few other people.

Things also happened right here on the ol' blog. In May, I participated in the A to Z Swearing Challenge. You know, to show solidarity with my fellow bloggers who came under fire for sullying the noble art of oversharing online by using CURSE WORDS sometimes. Also because it gave me a chance to learn and/or make up a bunch of new swears. Mostly because I like to fucking swear.

My page admin/alter ego Tabitha began writing guest posts. She doesn't like to use the shift key, and she doesn't like me. But she likes to take on various topics in the most offensive way possible, and on some level I've got to admire her for that. Besides, it gives her something to do, which is a good thing, because when she gets bored she hacks into my Facebook account and sends very rude messages to my friends.

I was paid to host sponsored content from an online fantasty football company! They haven't asked again. Which is totally their loss, because I absolutely would have delivered faux-macho jock/geek hybrid eyeballs in droves. You all are into that stuff, right?

I gave you poems. Some of them I actually tried to make good. Others, not so much. Those probably turned out better.

And after spending the whole year churning out thousands of words about religion and politics and current events and alcohol and love and my various, endlessly amusing personal failures, it turns out that the single most-read post of 2013 was the one that consisted entirely of pictures of turtles.

I think I finally understand the Internet.


  1. It was a not so good year, but there were some good times thrown in there! You sure helped make my year good!


  2. Piss off 2013! Here's to a happier and healthier 2014!! *I figure the more I say it, the better chance I have at actually believing it for myself!!


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