Saturday, November 23, 2013

The Future

So if you live in any time zone east of me, it's already Precocious Daughter's 14th birthday.

Tell me...does it go well? Does she like the new clarinet I just spent my life's savings to buy her?

Do the Giants beat the Cowboys?

Are the three members of Willie Nelson's band who were injured in a bus crash just hours after I saw them give a great show doing OK?

Do I get over having my heart broken?

I know I'll find out all of these things for myself tomorrow...if I bother to get out of bed.

I just thought maybe someone out there could tell me and save me the trouble.



  2. Yes, though there will be times she doesn't want to continue because it will seem difficult, but make her finish out the year. It'll be fine then.

    Only if they all get on the right page.

    Yes- minor injuries only. They'll be rocking again very, very soon.

    Abso-freaking-lutely, and you'll not only be stronger, but you'll use this as a life lesson. Just know that for a while, it's going to suck donkey balls, but never ever forget that just because one dick can't see how awesome you are doesn't mean no one else will. It just means he's a blind d-bag.

  3. In the future we've developed a mode of instantaneous travel, like the transporters in Star Trek, but without the cool noises and flashing lights. People just disappear with kind of a popping sound, and I'm sorry to say we all leave little brown stains that smell like you always imagined the zombies in a George Romero film would smell. Also everyone's really fat because no one even has to walk to their car anymore.

    The upside of all this is if you're having a really good day you can extend it by traveling backward through time zones, until you hit the International Date Line. And if you're having a lousy day you can make it shorter by going forward through time zones.

    You can also see the future. Your daughter's doing OK, and the three members of Willie Nelson's band are fine and have formed a band of their own called I'll Get The Waiter. They do covers of Pet Shop Boys songs.


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