Tabitha Takes on the Twelve Steps

Editor's note: It's been 14 days without a drink. I feel great. But my page admin, Tabitha, doesn't like me when I'm sober. She's been trying to undermine me, like the passive-aggressive little bitch she is. Her anti-temperance lectures are getting on my nerves, so I'm letting her write a post about her problems with the 12 Steps. I'm not following them myself, because a) I'm not an alcoholic and b) that shit is way too hard for me to do. But if it will make Tabby feel better, then I'm willing to let her rant. Also, if you don't like what she writes, don't complain to me. The bitch is out of my control.

i'm going to throw your ass down the twelve steps

Page admin Tabitha

by Tabitha


alcohol is tasty. it makes you feel good, and if you do anything crazy while you're drunk you don't remember it. also, it keeps you from forming loving bonds with others and gives you the strength to be mean to people who totally deserve it. it's nature's perfect food.

if you want to stop drinking, go ahead. be a loser. but don't stop because other people decide you have a problem. other people suck balls. when they want you to stop drinking, they call you an alcoholic. they say there's no shame in being one, because it's a disease, and there's no shame in having a disease, although i don't see football players wearing pretty pink shoes to support a cure for alcoholism. probably if you asked tom brady if he prefers boobs or drunk chicks, he would say "drunk chicks with boobs." so that doesn't prove anything except that tom brady is a douche.

anyway, unlike victims (sorry, air quotes survivors air quotes) of other diseases who get drugs and telethons and shit, alcoholics are supposed to cure themselves by talking about being alcoholics to other alcoholics. i mean, can you see a bunch of guys with limp dicks sitting around and talking about having limp dicks, hoping it gives them a boner? no, those dudes go straight for the cialis, because prescription medication is how you take care of a fucking medical condition. nobody thinks you should do a 12-step program to stop having cancer or keep from having a relapse. yet if someone pulls the a-card on you - yeah, alcoholism is the only disease in the world that can be diagnosed by your sanctimonious in-laws instead of a licensed medical professional - they expect you to go to some crappy meeting room at the rec center and blab and listen to others blab until your "disease" is cured. which it never is, because even if you never take a drink again, according to them, you're still an alcoholic. it's just like being a felon.

and they say i'm the one with the problem because i black out a few nights a week.

the 12 steps themselves seem pretty awful to me. let me sum them up in my own words: i drink because i'm a horrible person. i'm a horrible person because i drink. i will pretend that all my problems are due to drinking and not look for any underlying emotional or biological causes. i will tape a "kick me" sign on my genitals and beg other people to validate my existence. i will take personal responsibility for my actions by doing whatever someone tells me god wants me to do. i will become that person who brings everyone down at parties.

if i wanted my life to be a total buzzkill, i never would have started drinking in the first place.

there's a lot of god in the 12 steps. and i'm ok with god. except i don't think my god is the same one that other people talk about, especially in the 12 steps. my god would never call me insane, defective, or wrong. i know a lot of people who would; that's why i keep god around, because god has my himdamn back. also, why is it that when christian scientists try to pray away disease they get injunctions slapped on them, yet alcoholics are expected to do that very thing? is it that god's strong enough to get all up in an individual's free will to drink but too weak to deal with ailments that he himself created when he made us? my god isn't a bully, and he's nobody's fool, and i don't appreciate the 12 steps making him look like one. i will cut a bitch who disses my god.

one more thing. i have an issue with the 12th step, where it's not enough to put down the fucking bottle, but i have to tell other people to do it, too.  i don't give a shit if other people drink. i don't want them to be assholes about it, but being an asshole is far less a drinking problem than it is a being an asshole problem. i'd be happy to go around telling other people not to be assholes. you want to take a moral inventory, go count the ways you can be less of a jerk. if one of the ways is to stop drinking, then go for it. but i'm not going to assume that alcohol makes you a prick. maybe alcohol is the only thing that makes you marginally palatable as a human being. in that case, it would be wrong of me to tell you to stop doing what you do.

Noted killjoy Chuck Baudelaire

in conclusion, the person who writes this blog needs to chill out and have a damn drink already. she's no fun when she's sober. and she doesn't listen to me or let me do stuff. that's ok. i'll wait her out. i always do.

ciao,
tabby