The Scariest Halloween Ever - A True Story

(Settle in, you guys. This shit is scary.)

Once there was a blogger.

She was adorable.

She blogged about drinking, and not drinking, and politics, and monkeys wearing clothes. And CANDY. Oh, she loved to write about candy, because she loved to eat candy. Also cake, pie, cookies, ice cream, donuts...if it was loaded with sugar and calories, the cute li'l blogger nommed it.

And you could tell. By the fat.

Huh?

Then one day, about a month before Halloween, she woke up and her love of sugary foods was gone.

Just like that. She didn't want to eat sweets any more. When she got hungry, she craved things that were savory, salty, or starchy. She didn't want to taste anything sweet.

Noooooo!

She tried. She tried and tried to get worked up about eating sugar. She thought about the creamy filling of Twinkies, about the chocolatey goodness of candy bars. She thought about Snickers Peanut Butter Squared, which was just about her favorite thing in the world behind vodka and the White Album.

But it was no use. Intellectually, she appreciated the remembered flavor of her favorite sweet treats. But her taste buds politely declined to sample them. No matter what she did, the sugar center of her brain remained stubbornly switched off.

No, Pinky.

And then it was Halloween. The stores were full of candy - acres and acres of fun-size candy bars and candy corn, not to mention 300 different pumpkin spice-flavored things. The blogger's co-workers brought treats to the office. A huge bowl of candy stood by the front door of her house, ready to be distributed to the costumed little shits tykes in the neighborhood. Her own Precocious Daughter would be bringing home a huge sack of bounty from trick-or-treating.

And she wouldn't - couldn't - didn't want to eat any of it.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

And now the blogger roams the land with no sugar in her veins. Maybe one day her sweet tooth will return. Until then, she snacks upon cheese and nuts and crackers. And she doesn't miss the taste of chocolate...AT ALL.

I told you it was scary.