Sunday, September 8, 2013

Football: Now with More Blatant Disregard for Human Life

You may have heard that it's football season again.

Or, for my non-American readers, Handegg.
The object of American football is carry an oblong leather object euphemistically called a "ball" into the end zone of the opposing team. To do this, players must get past the defensive line of their opponents. In order to do their respective jobs, both teams must manage not to violate any of the game's approximately 350 million rules designed to prolong the game so the network can sell more commercials.

I'd like to take a moment to tell advertisers that I would buy
a watch promoted by Hitler before I would buy one
because Eli Manning is shilling for it. Seriously.
Yes, the rules are in place to preserve the integrity and sportsmanship and to protect players from serious injury.

On the other hand, the average player salary in the NFL as of 2012 was $1.9 million. I make considerably less than that, and I have to drive in Dallas traffic twice a day, which arguably puts me at much greater risk of bodily harm than playing football for a few hours a year. For two million bucks I would happily drive a Ford Pinto with a bullseye painted on the trunk. Yet if an NFL player gets touched in the wrong place, the world stops and we have to watch five minutes of a baby selling brokerage accounts while everyone makes sure little Bubba is OK.

"...and then he said rude things about my mom."
If it were up to me, the rules of the game would be very different. For example:

  • No fair catches. You just got the ball kicked to you, you run, bitch. You run until the big men on the other team knock you down. That's your job. Taking a knee will cost you 20 grand, to be donated to a local shelter for domestic violence.

  • No ineligible receivers. I don't understand this whole concept. There are 10 guys on the field beside the quarterback (10? is it 10? I'm way too lazy to look that up). Why do only a couple of them get to catch a pass? Throw that damn ball to anyone who looks as if he can catch it. Hell, throw it to someone on the other team, as long as you've previously bribed him to do your bidding.

  • In fact, bribery in general would make the game much more interesting. Every player should have a jersey for both teams. During the game, as money changes hands and loyalties are switched, the jersey reflects who is playing for whom at any given moment. Fans should be able to get in on the action, too. Who wouldn't chip in to have Tony Romo quarterback the Cowboys' opponents every week?

  • Get rid of the penalty for false starts. I don't even get this rule. You've got two opposing lines of large, heavily-padded men whose job is run into each other as hard as possible, and you're being a hard-ass about "ready, set, go"? The play starts when the bodies start moving. I wouldn't mind if a defender ran over to the other team's bench and took out the wide receivers before they even lined up on the field.

  • Any player with long hair hanging out must be taken down only by grabbing and pulling their locks. When you think about it, guys wear cups because they don't want to be hit in the junk, right? If football players don't want their dreads grabbed, they should keep 'em hidden or get a buzz cut.

  • Abolish field goals. If you ask me, giving a team three points for getting sort of close to the end zone is like those damn participation ribbons they give out to boost kids' self-esteem. You either get seven points or you don't get any. Pussies.

Man up, dudes.
  • Finally, let's stop with the silly penalties for end zone celebrations. Not only that, let's make them mandatory and have them determine the number of point-after points instead of kicks or conversions. Yes, the referees will need some special training so they can accurately judge the merits of the post-touchdown dance moves, but ultimately it will add a lot to the game. For the record, lamely jumping into the stands will earn you zero. I want to see precision footwork and/or ensemble choreography.

It could really broaden the draft base, as well.
I'll be waiting patiently for my suggestions to be considered by the NFL. Until then, let's play handegg.


  1. I don't even know what you're talking about - "end zone celebrations"? "Ineligible receivers"? - but I, personally, call American """""football""""" 'two herds of bison butting heads over a coconut'.

    I'd suggest they put horns on the headgear. That should spice things up no end.

  2. I love watching football, but despise Eli Manning. I appreciate that you inserted that ad of him along with your comment! On the other hand, I love Peyton. And this love and hatred go back to when they were each drafted. Yeah, I love football that much, I actually watch the draft. Now, I'm getting depressed again.

    Anywho, I do agree. Some of the penalties are just getting ridiculous... I mean, if the refs cannot call ALL of the fouls, then they shouldn't call any! And judging end zone celebrations? I love that idea... it can be a prequel to Dancing with the Stars (not that I watch that, but I hear football players are on it from time to time!)


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