Chapter 12: In Which I Do Something Stupid Because It Might Make a Good Blog Post

9:00 p.m.: What's this? Oh yeah, it's that box of laxatives you bought last week when you were backed up, but then that passed (so to speak), so you didn't take any. Here they are. I wonder what happens if you take a laxative when you don't actually need one? I mean, you know what happens, from your brief, long-ago laxatives-abusing phase. Hmmm.  Well, it's cheaper than a colonic. Maybe I can get rid of some of that five pounds of waste they say we're all carrying around in our intestines.

Everyone's got intestines, even ol' Sparky here.

10:30 p.m.: Awww, Simon Pegg is on Conan, but I'm really tired. Night-night.

6:15 a.m.: Turn off the alarm, get out of bed, grab a towel, head to the bathroom. Hey, I took a laxative last night, didn't I? It's been...about nine hours. The box says it works in 8-12 hours. So, something should happen...soon? I don't feel anything. OK, well, hop in the shower, put on makeup, get dressed, feed the pets. Ho-hum.

7:00 a.m.: Oh, shit.

See what I did there?



7:15 a.m.: At least I get to use that new air freshener Precocious Daughter and I bought at Bath & Body Works. By the time we found one we liked we had sprayed so much sweet-smelling goop on ourselves that I really couldn't tell exactly what this Sandalwood Citrus smelled like. Here goes...OMG, it smells exactly like Calvin Klein Eternity for Men!

Which smells nothing like duckface, in case you're wondering.

8:00 a.m.: Get to the office, turn on computer, make coffee.  You know, coffee usually has a stimulant effect on me. That is to say, it makes me go. I wonder what will happen after I have my first cup of coffee?

8:10 a.m.: Uh-oh, looks like I'm stimulated without the coffee. Yikes. Sorry, very important e-mails, you'll have to wait.

10:30 a.m.: OK, the morning has been...uneventful since 8:10. The laxative has done its thing and moved on.

11:45 a.m.:  Time for lunch.

12:15 p.m.: Ooooooh boy. Lunch was a...moving experience. On the upside, that is one effective product. Maybe I should write a letter to the company. I could be their new spokescolon.

Sharp as a thistle, clean as a whistle!

5:30 p.m.: Wow, what a day. Lots of fires to put out. Glad it's over. And glad that stuff finally worked its way through my system. Now to go home and have dinner.

6:30 p.m.: Dinner was good, and no sign of internal distress. Yay!

7:15 p.m.: All systems functioning normally, Captain. Let's walk the dog.

7:45 p.m.: Captain's Log: Exercise appears to have a...stimulating effect. Fascinating.

7:55 p.m.: Really, insides? Really? Good thing we've got this air freshener. Mmmm...Eternity for Men. :)

Don't abuse laxatives, children. They are not a toy. But I do feel surprisingly light and clean. Still...no. Remember, I'm a professional blogger. Don't try this at home.

Unless you have some really, really nice air freshener.