Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Chapter 12: In Which I Do Something Stupid Because It Might Make a Good Blog Post

9:00 p.m.: What's this? Oh yeah, it's that box of laxatives you bought last week when you were backed up, but then that passed (so to speak), so you didn't take any. Here they are. I wonder what happens if you take a laxative when you don't actually need one? I mean, you know what happens, from your brief, long-ago laxatives-abusing phase. Hmmm.  Well, it's cheaper than a colonic. Maybe I can get rid of some of that five pounds of waste they say we're all carrying around in our intestines.

Everyone's got intestines, even ol' Sparky here.
10:30 p.m.: Awww, Simon Pegg is on Conan, but I'm really tired. Night-night.

6:15 a.m.: Turn off the alarm, get out of bed, grab a towel, head to the bathroom. Hey, I took a laxative last night, didn't I? It's been...about nine hours. The box says it works in 8-12 hours. So, something should happen...soon? I don't feel anything. OK, well, hop in the shower, put on makeup, get dressed, feed the pets. Ho-hum.

7:00 a.m.: Oh, shit.

See what I did there?

7:15 a.m.: At least I get to use that new air freshener Precocious Daughter and I bought at Bath & Body Works. By the time we found one we liked we had sprayed so much sweet-smelling goop on ourselves that I really couldn't tell exactly what this Sandalwood Citrus smelled like. Here goes...OMG, it smells exactly like Calvin Klein Eternity for Men!

Which smells nothing like duckface, in case you're wondering.
8:00 a.m.: Get to the office, turn on computer, make coffee.  You know, coffee usually has a stimulant effect on me. That is to say, it makes me go. I wonder what will happen after I have my first cup of coffee?

8:10 a.m.: Uh-oh, looks like I'm stimulated without the coffee. Yikes. Sorry, very important e-mails, you'll have to wait.

10:30 a.m.: OK, the morning has been...uneventful since 8:10. The laxative has done its thing and moved on.

11:45 a.m.:  Time for lunch.

12:15 p.m.: Ooooooh boy. Lunch was a...moving experience. On the upside, that is one effective product. Maybe I should write a letter to the company. I could be their new spokescolon.

Sharp as a thistle, clean as a whistle!

5:30 p.m.: Wow, what a day. Lots of fires to put out. Glad it's over. And glad that stuff finally worked its way through my system. Now to go home and have dinner.

6:30 p.m.: Dinner was good, and no sign of internal distress. Yay!

7:15 p.m.: All systems functioning normally, Captain. Let's walk the dog.

7:45 p.m.: Captain's Log: Exercise appears to have a...stimulating effect. Fascinating.

7:55 p.m.: Really, insides? Really? Good thing we've got this air freshener. Mmmm...Eternity for Men. :)

Don't abuse laxatives, children. They are not a toy. But I do feel surprisingly light and clean. Remember, I'm a professional blogger. Don't try this at home.

Unless you have some really, really nice air freshener.


  1. O.K., so you got my complete and undivided attention with the phrase "brief, long-ago laxatives-abusing phase. "

    Forget the "brief" or "long ago". Why in the name of all the cannibal headhunters in Syria would anyone want to abuse laxatives?!??

  2. Yeah, I overdid on some of that Dieter's Tea a few years back. It was... intense.

    It did divest me of some excess... but...

    Never again have I gone in for recreational crapping.

  3. Hahaha...I don't DO things for good blog posts....but I don't necessarily PREVENT things from happening..

    This is hysterical.

  4. Ha! I did the same thing last week while I was on a business trip... Luckily, most of my "stimulating" effects took place EARLY in the morning, but there were still a couple of mad dashes to the ladies room inside of a very fancy downtown hotel in Portland... oh well. Lesson learned, and I do feel a couple of pounds lighter, still!


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