What You Didn't See During the 2013 Video Music Awards

I'd like to think that last night, Jay Z was home with Mrs. Z and little Blue Ivy, kicking backing and watching the Video Music Awards in their rec room.



It's modest, but comfortable.

And then Justin Timberlake came out began his epic six-hour performance.

Fourteen backup dancers ended up in the hospital from exhaustion
and dislocated hair.

And Jay Z is digging it, you know. JT is his boy. They threw it the hell down on "Suit and Tie." That mofo can sing like a blue-eyed Luther Vandross. They're tight.

Goddamn Ebony and Ivory is what they are.
Someone should write a song about that shit.

And Jay says to Bey, "That n---a there, he's aight."

(I have no idea how Jay Z talks. For all I know he has a broad Glaswegian accent and speaks entirely in couplets. So I've copped to the most ridiculous hip-hop stereotypes, mostly because it's the only chance I have to use the word "aight.")

And Beyoncé says, "Mmmm-hmmm" and a giant fan drops out of the ceiling to blow her hair around, as it's programmed to do at regular intervals.

Blue Ivy doesn't need a mobile above her crib; she's got
Mommy's extensions to amuse and delight.

And then the *NSYNC reunion happened.

Believe it or not, these guys were even more popular than 1Direction.
And more talented. Bizarre but true.

And Jay Z almost drops the baby.

Did Mommy see that? No? We're good.

And he shouts, "Damn, did you see that? Do you mean tell me my man Justin Timberlake is that freaky-ass curly-headed white boy from *NSYNC?"

It was quite an accomplishment to be the dorky-looking one in this crew.

"Did you know this?" Jay Z demands of his wife, his baby, and his 30-person entourage, who all are suddenly very interested in the French onion dip on the coffee table.

"Did any of you know that I was singing with that blonde-jheri-curl-baby-face-singing-Mousketeer-ass-boy-band-dancer fool from muthaf---ing *SYNC?"

They kept it from him as long as they could.

His rage dissipates as quickly as it flared up. His shoulders slump, and he gently hands off Blue Ivy to Beyoncé, who coos the baby to sleep with a gentle lullaby requiring three costume changes. Jay Z's face is a mask of confusion and doubt.

"How did I not see it?" he mutters to himself. "Jimmy Fallon knew it. Taylor Swift knew it. I'll bet Kanye knew it, too. They all knew I was rapping with the curly-headed freak from *NSYNC, and no one told me."

Then he wanders out of the room, as if in a daze. No one dares snicker. Until he's gone, at which point his entire entourage bursts into laughter, high-fiving and congratulating each other on the best punking ever.

That's what I'd like to think.

P.S. You're not alone, Jay Z. I can't believe JT used to be that curly-headed freak either.