Sunday, August 25, 2013

Well, I'm Convinced

Stop the presses. It turns out I and millions of other people have been wrong about gay people.

I had no idea we were all lion.
I thought some people were born homosexual, just like I was born left-handed or Dan Aykroyd was born with webbed toes. I thought we were all just fine the way we were made, except that some people have funky toes or hold their pencils funny or are attracted to people with the same kind of plumbing as theirs.


In a thoughtful, well-written letter to the Dallas Morning News today, we were all schooled by one Renee Cox of Irving, Texas. Ms. Cox had this to say about "being gay":

"Being gay is an action. It is a behavior. It is so clearly a choice."

Ms. Cox - who must be an expert on sexuality, having so clearly chosen a name that means, literally, "many penises" - makes an important point. Of course being gay is an action. Just like being straight. I never realized that the reason I'm so tired at the end of every day is that I put so much effort into going around being straight all day. All that heterosexual behavior, like not staring at other womens' boobs and being turned on by the thought of Robert Downey Jr. naked and glistening in the moonlight, is exhausting.

She's so clearly right. Why did I never think of it before?

Don't judge me because this makes me tingle in the thingle.
Ms. Lotsodick is so clearly not a judgmental bigot. She goes on to say, "What two consenting adults wish to do behind closed doors is their choice." And that is so, so true. Some people choose to make wild, passionate love with the man or woman or waterfowl that makes their heart race. Others - and I assume Ms. Weinerweinerweiner is one of these, because I have the right to make any misinformed assumption I want - choose to lie in bed with their eyes closed while the opposite-sex partners they don't really love but stay with because they like credit cards and monotony do their disgusting, sticky, nasty but God-approved thing.

"If I view (being gay) as a sin," concludes Ms. Multiwang, "that is my business." Exactly! We all get to choose to be the person we want to be. Unless the person we're being is gay. The logic is impeccable, the wisdom is perfect. I feel so clearly corrected.

Thank you, Ms. Hundredsofthrustinghardons. It's not often a letter to the editor is so clearly right. Or so clearly illustrates that even God slips up and creates a deviant now and then.


  1. Also, being brown-skinned is a choice! So is having an appendix! Or pointy ears! Or being allergic to Tinidazole!

    I'm such a choice-y person.

    (Come to think of it, doesn't this make Mrs Cox pro-choice?)

  2. ms boxococks is breaking some new ground. While I'm busy choosing if I should continue to breathe I'm going to lie down. I'm getting a bit dizzy. Not sure if it's the lack of air or my exhaustion. Hard to tell.

    Is it cold in here?


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