Saturday, August 3, 2013

Bad, Bad Facebook Sidebar. Bad.

Don't read this if you don't like words like "crusty" and "chuckhole."

This was on my Facebook sidebar the other day, along with ads for cheap shoes and adorable kittens:

I gave it a glance. And then I took a closer look. And then I thought to myself: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THAT PICTURE?

Is that image SUPPOSED to look like some skanky chick's crusty party-hole? That's exactly what it looks like to me. I don't even know for sure what that would look like, except that it would look just like that. How disgusting. Why would I even think that? Why would anybody else think that, and then put it on a Facebook ad for a goddamn Paleo diet?

Why would someone want me to look at what is probably an extreme closeup of the bottom of a tomato or a red bell pepper, but then misconstrue it as resembling (probably) the nasty dirty lady bits of old Aunt Milly, whose hygiene really suffered when dementia kicked in? 

Why does Facebook think I have the slightest interest in learning more about a goddamn Paleo diet anyway?

Zuckerberg, your algorithms are fucked up. I like Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and burritos. I don't want to eat the way the cavemen did. Because they died when they were 30 and then the whole damn lot of them went extinct. And I don't want to think about what the cavewomen's primitive chuckhole must have looked like from squatting on the filthy ground without clean cotton panties to protect it.

I have enough problems without worrying that, unless I switch to a diet of organic grapes and corncobs, my loving cup is going to scab over and look like a diseased tomato. And also tummy fat. Always with the tummy fat. It makes me long for the good old days when all we had to worry about was The Bomb.

Not pictured: Giving a shit about love handles.
Listen up, Facebook. I don't want to play Candy Crush, I don't want to meet Christian singles, and I don't want to look at pictures that make my warped mind think it's looking at big dirty vajayjays.

Keep giving me more of that Grumpy Cat, though. She's awesome.

Grumpy Cat hates you.



  1. Looked to me like a close-up of a planarian flatworm, but then that's the kind of mind I have.

  2. I think this might be the first time I've ever thought about cavewomen's lady bits before.

  3. I've looked at that pic for a coupe minutes now and still can't figure out what it is. Possibly because I have cavewoman girly parts stuck in my head now.

    I hate those ads. Facebook seems to think I'm obsessed with aging, since they keep suggesting I like ads for botox alternatives and the secret for looking 30 when you're 55. Screw that...where are the cake and vodka ads??


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