Monday, July 29, 2013

Chuck Baudelaire's Top 10 Completely Biased Generalizations About Car Owners

I've been sitting here wondering what to write tonight, when suddenly it hit me:

This is not CNN.

I wonder if James Earl Jones would record that for me
so it would play every time someone visited this page.
It's not even HuffPost. I have no journalistic standards whatsoever to uphold on my crappy little blog. I can say whatever I want. Even if it's small-minded, unfounded, or just plain stupid. The worst thing that can happen is that someone will decide they don't like my blog and stop reading it, which is exactly what you should do if you don't like someone's blog.

It's a much better reason to stop reading my blog than some others I could share. And might in the future. Because hey, why not?

It might be fun, not having scruples.
Anyway, cars are a topic I've been meaning to write about for a while. Specifically, why some cars are inherently awful and you are awful if you drive them. Why? Because I believe it to be so. That's all. It's not scientific. It's not objective. And hey, you might be a perfectly nice person with whom I would enjoy watching "Sharknado" if you drive any car on this list. But really you're probably an asshole. That's my only point.

My shamelessly biased opinions are based partly on observation, partly on experience, and partly on the fact that I'm kind of a bitch. Also, I have a blog and I need to keep it fresh. So.

Remember those old Tupperware commercials about
"locking in freshness"? If you do, you're old like me and
 you understand that old people get cranky.

So here, to entertain myself and possibly offend some of you, is my Top Ten List of Completely Biased Generalizations About Cars and Their Owners:

10. If you drive a BMW, you're a douchebag.

The only exception: An old E30 coupe, which is
a member of the "so ugly it's awesome" club.
9.  If you drive a car with a spoiler, and you are not currently entered in a Formula One race, you must be some kind of jackass.

Unless you're expecting Michael J. Fox and his skateboard
to hitch a ride, this serves no purpose.
8.  If you drive any kind of car (that is not an antique) with a license plate that explains what kind of car it is, you're a tool.

Also, possibly a whore.
7.  It goes without saying that if you drive a vehicle with giant wheels, your penis is extremely small.

Equally true no matter what gender is driving.
6. On the other hand, if you choose to put abnormally tiny wheels on your car, I don't even know what your problem is.

Are you in some obscure way bragging?

5.  If you drive the largest model of any make of vehicle, for reasons that are not directly related to the needs of your job or your family, you're a waste of space.

4.  Unless you drive a Hummer. There is no excuse for owning a Hummer of any size, you insufferable prick.

Please borrow a smaller car to drive to the store and buy
a bottle of bleach. Then drink it.
3.  If you drive a Honda Accord, I despise you.

It's nothing personal. I knew a guy who drove one, and he was a pure dick.
That's all. On the other hand, don't you know that life is too short to
buy a car because of its resale value? Jesus Christ, grow a pair.
2.  If your car's paint job is white diamond pearl, you deserve to be slapped.

Yes, even if you're somebody's grandma. Sorry.
1.  Finally...if you drive this:

I don't care if you're an axe murderer, a mouth-breather, or a Taylor Swift fan; I want to hang with you.


  1. Totally agree (particularly re: BMW drivers), though I can't really fault someone for being concerned with resale value. I drove Toyotas for years, till they started accelerating for no reason -- not a good feature in a vehicle. Now I am one of those Subaru drivers who need AWD twice a year and what's it to ya?

  2. I drive a minivan and yeah ok, my pens is really tiny, Judge Judy. I have huge girl balls but no D.
    The white paint looks like nail polish. That's why it douchey me thinks.
    I like that this is not CNN.

    1. Supposed to say "my PENIS" not pens. My pens are huge.
      And so are my fat fingers!

  3. Since I drive "none of the above" I can agree with you. Good thing, too. Otherwise, you'd be a doo doo head.

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