Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Julio Cesar Badass Commands You to Read This

Remember the good old days of 2011? The economy was still in the shitter, Amanda Bynes was nominally sane, and former Rep. Anthony Weiner was texting his junk to random women to whom he didn't happen to be married. Good times.

Imagine this picture of Weiner's schnitzel
awash in sepia tones.
Well, times change. The economy is, like, kinda sorta better now. Amanda Bynes just set some old lady's driveway on fire because crazy. We can't live in the past forever.

Unless we're talking about Anthony Weiner making gross sexytime on the Internets!

Which we absolutely are.

How awesome is this man? First he resigns in disgrace from Congress after admitting that he blew up Twitter with a picture of his democratically elected tubesnake. Then he turns right around and keeps trolling for Teh Nasty online as if nothing had happened! Even after his wife publicly forgave him and stayed by his side and bore his child, he was telling women he wanted to bend them over a chair and promising them blogging jobs in exchange for deleting their chat histories.

Aside #1: Huma Abedin is either the most selfless, forgiving woman on the planet, or - far more likely - she once decapitated a nun and Tony helped her mop up the blood and spilled holy water and then buried the evidence in the Everglades for her. Why else would she stay with him? We've all seen his schlong; we know that's not it.

Aside #2: Unnamed 22-year-old woman who was Weiner's sexytalk partner: Honey. Let's talk. You're young and impressionable. And naïve. And so I have nothing but kindness and good intentions in my heart when I say that if a man offers you a job at a blog in exchange for anything, run. As a legitimate opportunity, a job at a blog ranks up there with buying commemorative coins from a late-night TV commercials. As an inducement to engage in covering up a politician's horndog behavior at the cost of your own integrity, it's roughly equivalent to putting your boyfriend through med school and getting a pair of socks as a thank-you gift. OK? Are we good here? You're sweet. Go grow up now.

OK, so the best part of Weinergate 2.0 is that Tony reportedly used the chat handle "Carlos Danger," which if it doesn't already have a strain of marijuana named after it totally needs to ASAP. I'm looking at you, completely legal dispensaries of weed in other states. Hop on that.

Frankly, I don't know how a tool like Anthony Weiner managed to come up with an awesome nom de boner like that all by himself. But fortunately for the rest of us, whose creative talents only allow us to run blogs and not make them actually sound like viable employment opportunities, has come to our aid. Check out their widget (which is not a sexual innuendo, unless your name actually is Carlos Danger), the Carlos Danger Name Generator. All you have to do is enter your first and last name to get a sweet down 'n dirty alias of your very own. Go check it out.

Of course, I immediately tried it out. Unfortunately, when I entered "Chuck Baudelaire," the CDNG came back with the relatively lame result "Emilio Threat." So I entered my IRL name and struck pay-freaking-dirt.  My Carlos Danger name is:

Julio Cesar Badass


So Carlos Danger may have ruined Anthony Weiner's political career - again - but he's raised my self-esteem by about 1200 percent. I'm going to sign everything with this name from now on. Because I have a blog, bitches, and that's how bloggers roll.

Let me know in the comments or my Facebook page what your name is, K? Julio Cesar Badass will be most displeased if you do not.


  1. Ariel Clandestine. I kinda like it.

  2. Esteban Calamity

  3. Osvaldo Death

    (Is that more badass than either Bill the Butcher or Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist?)

  4. Carlos Dynamite... I feel like that is fairly lame, considering.


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