Saturday, April 13, 2013

An Open Letter to the President: Taxation Without Intoxication Is Tyranny. Or Something.

Dear Mr. President:
First of all, congratulations on finally proposing a budget. I know some of your critics have faulted you for taking almost five years to do it. But I get it – I’ve got more than four decades of operating without a budget under my belt. There’s just too much to do to worry about where every single penny is going, am I right?

Like hanging a medal on what remains of Bob Dylan.
And maybe all those haters who bitch and moan about wanting Big Government off their backs should suck it up about how their precious tax dollars are being spent anyway. Go live free or die, why don’t you?

Or jail. Jail would be good. You got five days
to stop the Hypocrisy Clock.
Now, I admit I haven’t read the entire 246-page document outlining your proposed changes to the tax code. OK, I haven’t read any of it.  Frankly, it sounds duller than Mitch McConnell’s sex life. But I have been alerted that one particular proposal has a direct bearing on me. Therefore, I felt it was my civic duty to Google it and read what someone else spent time and effort to research and summarize on the Internet.
That's the American way.

If you read this blog, Mr. President, you already know where I’m going with this. You do read my blog, don’t you? I’m pretty sure Joe Biden does. I’ve received anonymous comments that really sound as if they could only come from the Vice President of the United States when he’s drunk-browsing at 3 a.m. after yet another long day of not being asked his opinion on anything.
Joe Biden, smiling through his pain.
But I digress. Mr. President, it has come to my attention that one of the means by which you plan to raise $1.8 trillion in new revenues is by closing a loophole that until now has resulted in lower taxes on flavored vodka. Assuming that vodka producers would pass along the increased tax to me, their primary consumer, this means that I might soon be paying upwards of 2% more for my beverage of choice.

That should knock out most of the revenue generation right there.
I must say, I find this disappointing.  Mr. President, what do you have against flavored vodka? Why must you punish those of us who choose to drink Stoli Vanil, or Absolut Citron, or Smirnoff Whipped Crème, or UV Blue Raspberry, or 360 Double Chocolate, or Van Gogh PB&J, or Three Olives Grape, or Skinnygirl Tangerine, or Pinnacle Cookie Dough? 

I could go on.
Frankly, Mr. President – and I hate to say this – but it sounds as if you’ve caved in to conservative pressure on this issue. If there were ever a right-wing conspiracy to tax the lifestyle choices of the left, this is it. You know damn well that Republicans on Capitol Hill overwhelmingly take their vodka neat, straight, and unflavored.  I’m sure Paul Ryan would rather kiss an unwed teenage mother than enjoy a cocktail made with Grey Goose Cherry Noir. And Ted Cruz is no more likely to sip SKYY Ginger than he is to keep his damn fool mouth shut about things he doesn’t know anything about for once.

This policy is designed to hurt people. Me. This policy is designed to hurt me. And people like me.

People like Joe Biden.

On the other hand, this may an excellent opportunity for Intoxicated-Americans to stand up for the country they love. In that case, thank you, Mr. President. Thank you for challenging me to dig a little deeper in order to support a balanced budget. Thank you for letting me cast a vote for deficit reduction every time I get my drink on. God Bless America for allowing incipient alcoholics to make a vital contribution to democracy and free enterprise simply by visiting their local liquor store on a monthly weekly daily no let’s make that weekly basis.

Who's counting?
I will do my patriotic duty. I will pay higher taxes on flavored vodka. If you really want see the economy get a boost, Mr. President, you should fund research into creating Snickers Peanut Butter Squared-flavored vodka. I’d pay whatever it took to get my hands on that shit. This country would be running a surplus in six months, no lie.

Thank you for your time and consideration, Mr. President. You da man, if I may say so. I shall toast your health with a variety of tasty distilled beverages. And your family’s health. And Congress’.  Yes, even John Boehner, if it’s a double. Because this American stands up for America, for as long as I can stand at all.



Chuck Baudelaire


P.S. Have Joe call me. Tell him it’s his turn to buy.

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