Saturday, December 8, 2012

Blatant Discrimination

I have a very simple coffeemaker at home.

I'm not sure what that tiny little cup-like object is, though.
I use a mug the size of a gas tank.
It's literally the simplest coffeemaker you can buy. It has a carafe, a heating element, and an on/off switch. I could achieve the same level of technology by boiling coffee in a tin can on my stove.

And that's fine with me. It makes a damn good cup of Joe without fancy timers or multiple brew cycles or snotty little beeps that tell you when it's turning itself on and off.

But it has one feature that I must admit I took for granted until recently. It's ambidextrous. By which I mean the carafe has numbers printed on both sides, and the water reservoir shows the water level on both the left and right side of the machine.

Because - news flash - some people are right-handed, and some people use the correct hand.

Left on, Brother Ned.
So I started a new job recently, as many of you know. And just about the first thing I did was buy a coffeemaker for the office, since none of my co-workers were coffee drinkers. I love them, they're wonderful people, but who doesn't fucking drink coffee?

Anyway, I found a Black & Decker coffeemaker on sale.

It was a good deal. It probably cost what my do-nothing Mr. Coffee cost, but it has a clock and a timer and an auto shut-off. You know, businessy stuff. Because a businesswoman such as myself is judged by the professionalism of her coffee conveyance system.

I will not work for a company that thinks this
douchebag thing is a coffeemaker. Period.
The office coffeemaker makes a fine cup of joe, which I what I expect an office coffeemaker to do. But I can't give it a positive performance review. Because it's a bigot.

Did you know coffeemakers could be bigots? I didn't. I didn't know until I actually started using the thing to make my morning pot of go-juice. Oh, it looks like a nice, normal, cordial co-worker. But it hides a dark secret.

It's for right-handers only.

How ironic that "sinister" is Latin for "left."
The carafe is printed on one side only - the side that is visible if you pick it up with your right hand. And the reservoir is marked only on the left side - so that if you're pouring water in from the left, you can't see what you're doing.

Why is this even legal, people?

I thought we we had evolved as a nation.
It take me upwards of 30 seconds longer to make a pot of coffee in the morning because I'm handicapped by the blatant right-handedness of this coffeemaker. That hurts my productivity. And that hurts America.

Shame on you, Black & Decker.

I may have to buy a new coffeemaker for the office because of this. And I totally think my company should pay for it. Aren't there laws that require reasonable accommodations for workers? How reasonable is it to ask that my office coffeemaker be compatible with left-handed employees?  Extremely reasonable, I think.

This is totally going on the agenda for the next staff meeting. It's time to make a stand for equality, inclusiveness, and not having to twist my head around like a spaz to see how much water I've poured into the coffee-hole.

I'm going to sing "We Shall Overcome" now. And drink some left-handed coffee. Although possibly I've already had enough for one day.


  1. Didn't realize you were a fellow lefty - you just keep going up and up in my already high opinion.

  2. Left-handed, huh?
    I don't think we can be friends anymore...

    Just kidding. I still love you.

    Your workplace coffee pot is an insensitive bastard. You should take it back, and when they ask if there's anything wrong with it, say, "Yes. It's racist." and see how that plays out.
    I've never really given much thought to buying a coffee pot. Or any other device for that matter. They're all made to do my bidding, apparently.

  3. I think the K-cup system is über cool. I cannot stand weak, wimpy coffee that most people seem to prefer diluted with all their diluents. Nope dark, bold coffee for me. With the K-cup system everyone can get what they want and so easy to clean, just throw away the cute little cup and works equally well for any hand.


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