Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Context is Everything, Facebook Edition

So I guess it's a thing now that Facebook puts "suggested posts" on your page. I'm not talking about the ads that run down the side that supposedly are based on your likes and profile information. Those can be pretty accurate sometimes; this one is my real-me FB page right now:

Liquor stores and Nutella.
These are a few of my favorite things.

Sometimes those ads are annoying. This one has been popping up for several weeks.

I'm not sure which is worse - the intimation about my size
or my cheapness.
While it's true that I have put on some weight - enough, in fact, to go up one clothing size - I am not plus-size. No biggie if I were, but I'm not. But how does Facebook know I've packed on the pounds recently?

Oh, wait. Liquor and Nutella. That's...actually not too far from the truth.

That's really annoying. And borderline stalker-creepy. Get out of my head, Facebook. And my pantry.

Anyway, I'm not talking about those sidebar ads. I'm talking about something called "suggested posts," which show right up in your damn news feed. Lately I can't get my friends' posts to consistently show up in my feed without performing a series of complicated clicking-liking-and-sacrificing-chickens maneuvers, yet today, without any prompting, this shows up:

Concerned Fucking Patriots? This is one of these dickbags who speaks ominously about "the coming disaster" in America. You know, the kind of disaster that strikes when a black negro is elected President of the United States and teh gays are allowed to make their evil sex in the marital bed. Decent God-fearing Americans had better stockpile pork rinds and beer if they want to survive the black gay zombie apocalypse. That is totally coming. They say.

Here's the thing: the video, which I watched for a couple of minutes, is actually really well done and entertaining. Check it out. If nothing else, you'll get a laugh. Or learn valuable information on how to make sure your friends and neighbors don't have access to precious supplies that are rightfully yours in case the Kenyan Mafia strikes.

OMG, they're going to take out our skyscrapers
with their giant mutant giraffes!
So...Facebook? How exactly did you conclude that this was the type of post I might welcome into my news feed? On what did you base the intelligence that my real-life personage has a deep and abiding interest in the leftist menace and how to combat it through hoarding?

In plain English, WTF made you think I was a conservative nutjob?

You can't make this stuff up. This is - no lie - how the Concerned Patriots post appeared in my feed:

Right between posts from those two bastions of American conservatism, George Takei and Tim Gunn. Either of whom I'd much rather hang with in the event of catastrophe than Wacko McRedstate there. They're much funnier, definitely more stylish, and almost certainly more intelligent.

So, Facebook. You get points for irony and general humorousness. But if your "Suggested Post" dealie is part of your push for world dominance through demographics, I'm gonna say I'm not too worried about it.

Also, stop asking me for my phone number. That's really creepy.


  1. Ugh, what a bunch of creeps! I'm sure these "concerned patriots" are the same people pushing for Texas secession

  2. "Stop what you're doing and close all your tabs. You don't want to miss a minute of this because you were on Facebook."
    Whoever this is sounds like the guy from all the action movie commercials. I really want him to say something about stolen jewels.
    Why is there a giant chunk missing out of Washington state on his map? Is there something my local news isn't telling me?!?
    I'm "live-writing" my comment as I listen to/watch the video. I wish I could draw like that.
    6 minutes in and he's still saying "These Critical 37 Food Items" instead of just getting on with it. I'm waiting for him to stop trying to scare the dizzying headaches, diarrhea, spine crushing seizures, and hallucinations from Hell out of me and show me a link to buy his book.
    Aaaaaaaannnnnd there it is.
    I'm just going to take his advice literally and go buy 37 things, put them in TupperWare, and store them in my sex chamber - uh, I mean attic.

    I need that guy to follow me around and narrate everything I do. That would be amazing! Do you think that's the guy that wrote the "guides", or do you think he hired someone? Either way, I want to be friends with that voice.
    Also - I'm glad I'm not a man. That might have made me feel like a bad father for not hoarding "these 37 food items".

    AND NOW the Facebooks are going to bombard you with posts like that because you clicked on it. Because you have a morbid curiosity about all things idiotic. Way to go, moron. Don't ask me for any of my 37 food items when the violent mobs come and knock down your door.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.