Saturday, November 17, 2012

We Have a Snack Cake Emergency, People

When the news came yesterday that Hostess was shutting down its operations, a collective moan went up from the junk food junkies and stoners of the world.

Some people probably moaned twice.
I'm guessing people in Colorado and Washington are especially devastated. Such cruel irony, that pot should be legalized mere days before Sno Balls cease production.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways, man.
So people are hoarding Twinkies and such, because for the first time in my lifetime and probably yours, they aren't being made. Consider that. For decades, there was always a Twinkie being made somewhere. No matter what you were doing, where you were, even when you weren't thinking about Twinkies, they were rolling off the production line so that, if you needed one, it would be there for you.

I don't even want to think about the far-reaching implications.
But aren't we forgetting something much important here?

Hostess Brands owns Dolly Madison.

And Dolly Madison makes Zingers.

And when Hostess goes out of business, it stops making Zingers.

NOW do you get the magnitude of this tragedy??

Surely you remember when I wrote about Zingers in this very space. (And if you don't, click on that link and read about it, because it was a pretty good post and also I could use the pageviews.)

I love Zingers. I love peeling the layer of frosting off the tiny little cake and saving it for last. I love how they come in threes, as all good things do.

(I also would have accepted Robert Downey Jr.,
Johnny Depp and the Old Spice Guy. Gratefully.)
Most of all I love raspberry coconut Zingers, which don't even have frosting but manage to be the most awesomest of all Zingers nonetheless. Because it's a crazy flavor to decide to make a snack cake. Who said, "Let's put raspberry and coconut on a miniature Twinkie and see if people will eat it?" Whoever it was, that man/woman/alien was a twisted genius.

So all the news bites are about Twinkies, because they're all iconic and shit. But let's have a moment of silence for Zingers.

And Hostess Donettes! Oh my God, we're losing them, too! And freaking Wonder Bread! What will America make its sandwiches out of now, besides the other 52,412 brands of bread on the market, all of which are probably tastier and healthier than Wonder Bread, but not, you know, emblematic of an era?

Not so much HoHo's, though. I prefer Little Debbie Swiss Rolls, and HoHo's lost me when they stopped coming individually wrapped in foil.

Naked Ho-Ho's. Cue porn music.
But...Suzy-Q's! My mom ate them when she was pregnant with me! They're the reason I'm So. Goddamn. Sweet. And now they're gone.

I'm bereft. I...I need a minute here.

Do you think he knew this was coming?
OK, I'm good.

Now look, the odds are huge that other companies will snap up Hostess and its associated brands, and Zingers will once again roam the plains of this great nation. America without Hostess is like Gaza without bombs raining down on it - it can't go on for long.

But you know, we're healing from a long and brutal election cycle, and people in the Northeast are still reeling from the superstorm, and the CIA is directorless because of David Petraeus' wandering pecker, and the economy is still kind of in the dumps. We need a problem that exists on a level we can actually get our arms around and deal with. Like empty snack-cake shelves.

Twinkies are a metaphor for uncertain times and tumultuous change, is what I'm saying.

Also, no more Lemon Fruit Pies. I don't think I can go on.

Excuse me, but I have to go be the voice of change now. I'm going to occupy my local Target and see if they have any Hostess Cupcakes left.


  1. I was going to say how ironic is it that pot gets legalized and a week and a half later they announce that the stoner snacks are going off the market? Lol. I don't really care for snack cakes but I feel bad for all the workers getting laid off. However, this could have all been avoided if there was COMPROMISE, PEOPLE!

  2. I can't believe I've never tried a zinger, how is this possible? My poisons were snoballs and the cupcakes- They always looked so cheerful sitting there at the local 7-11, who knew they would meet an untimely demise?
    I'm sure they'll be back soon- all this press is a goldmine!

  3. My condolences on your cream filled and coconut encrusted loss.

  4. It's a sad sad day. But I have read that the factories are still producing Twinkies...until the day they officially shut down. So they're still mass producing those joyous twin-packs of fluff. :-)


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